This morning, Lindsay Lohan borrowed a private jet to fly to L.A. for court. She's now 30 minutes late and counting.

The perpetual motion machine of Lindsay Lohan's legal saga groaned on this week as Lohan's new judge decried Lohan's new lawyer as "incompetent," and unfit to practice law in California. We also found out that Lindsay wants to become a motivational speaker.

Goldschläger incarnate Lindsay Lohan has allegedly learned the hard way that, like dolls' hair and a child's limbs, expensive beaded frippery doesn't just grow back once you cut it off. She reportedly returned a borrowed floor length designer gown in "tatters," its bottom half roughly hacked off with scissors.

Not satisfied with their first try, the film industry has decided to give it another go at a Liz Taylor biopic.

Over the course of her twenty-six years on Earth (version C), Lindsay Lohan has learned that she is bad at many things. She is bad at not breaking the law. She is bad at managing her temper. She is bad at Liz Taylor.

Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan's mom, Dina launched a grassroots campaign to jimmy her way onto the next season of ABC's Dancing with the Stars.

God is great, God is good, and Lindsay Lohan miraculously recovered from her grave upper respiratory infection in time to make it to court in L.A. today.

America's SweeTart Lindsay Lohan is poised to miss her first court date of 2013 in California tomorrow due to a life-threatening case of the blahs.

Report: SXSW has rejected the Lohan vehicle/Sundance-reject The Canyons. Now I really want to see it.

James Deen diplomatically discusses working with Lindsay Lohan in The Canyons. He's so affable. People's porno champ.

Do you long to experience the carnal pleasures of central Long Island, but find yourself unable to make the trip due to scheduling commitments or fear?

TMZ has just unearthed another artifact that will work nicely in your upcoming exhibition "Lindsay Lohan: A Life Hard Lived." It's audio of Lindsay Lohan sniping at her co-star and director on the set of The Canyons.

If the upcoming Lindsay Lohan/James Deen vehicle The Canyons is half as entertaining as Stephen Rodrick's New York Times Magazine piece about it, it's going to be fantastic. The 8,000-word article reads like an exhaustive documentary on the Paul Schrader-directed, Bret Easton Ellis-written film (that has since been rejected by Sundance). It is what those on Twitter would refer to as a "great read."

Like everyone in America, Dina Lohan has a theory about why Lindsay Lohan, the human female whose transformation from adorable frecklebean to bloated shriekmonster she oversaw, is "so screwed up." Dina's guess: It's because Lindsay saw her father beat up her mother. (Lindsay's father's guess: It's because Dina "is the devil.")

The trailer for future Academy Award winner Scary Movie 5 is finally here and it features the scene we've all been waiting for. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen's "love scene." From the early looks of it, it doesn't look that romantic. Allegedly, Lilo was afraid of catching a disease from Sheen's mouth.

Happy Tuesday. How are you doing? Lindsay Lohan's fabulous, having a cool time and making a lot of neat decisions. Classic Lindsay stuff.

Her world may be caving in around her, but Lindsay Lohan rewarded herself with a jaunt to Philly—"America's Paris"—last night, to lust, to dance, and to Want.

Lindsay Lohan is truly having a terrible year or, anyway, life. The latest drama upsetting her qi has arrived in the form of taxes. Specifically: unpaid back taxes. Totaling over $233,904.

Feeling overwhelmed with the rash of Lohan coverage that has broken out all over the media since yesterday? That's how Lindsay Lohan feels all the time, she's so overwhelmed, can everyone just stop talking, she's feeling really overwhelmed right now, she needs a cigarette, will everyone just SHUT UP?

Danielle Fishel of Boy Meets World's Topanga Lawrence fame is a well-adjusted child star, so having her play Lindsay Lohan playing Elizabeth Taylor on last night's episode of E!'s pop culture recap The Soup shouldn't have worked.