• Lindsay Lohan will officially celebrate her birthday tomorrow. But it looks like she'll have some extra spending money in her pocket if she decides to buy herself a present. Lohan collected $70,000 to appear at an all-day birthday party in her honor at the MGM Grand last Saturday. [P6]
• A semi-private funeral was held yesterday for Farrah Fawcett. The public wasn't permitted to attend, but a gaggle of photographers was more than welcome. [Us]
• Day 6 of the Michael Jackson mess: No one seems to know who really gave birth to Jackson's kids, no one is totally sure about the final funeral arrangements, and it still isn't clear what drugs he was taking exactly, or who gave them to him. And so on it goes. [Mirror, Sun, TMZ, Us, TMZ]
• On a more positive note, David Gest says Jackson was just another "manly man" who loved women, chowing down at McDonalds, and pursuing his "passion for classic literature." That's nice to hear, isn't it? [Sun]

Certainly you're sitting at home tonight thinking, "I wonder where Michael Jackson's corpse is right now?" Well, luckily for you, CNN is on it baby!

Larry King was the guest on the Daily Show last night promoting his book, My Remarkable Journey. The entire segment consisted mainly of King and Jon Stewart jostling back and forth over whether or not King is truly a degenerate or not. It was great.

Baby-making lothario Larry King was on The View today discussing, among other things, the sacred act of doing it. The gals asked him if he still does it, and he said, basically, "No." But don't assume that he needs Viagra! It's just his "get up and go" that's broken..

You hear about people finding out years after a one-night fling that they have a kid they never met, and you think, "Wild, but I can see how it happened." Then you hear about Larry King's "long lost" son, Larry King Jr., and you think, "Larry King is insane."

The Robert F. Kennedy Center for Justice & Human Rights is holding a celebrity auction to raise money for the non-profit organization. And they've lined up an impressive collection of items. Any interest in paying a visit to the set of Larry King's show in LA? Not only will you get a chance to make small talk with the 114-year-old host, he'll also take off his suspenders, sign them, and let you take them home with you. Act fast, though. The bidding is up to $1,500. If that doesn't tickle your fancy, perhaps you'd like to "enjoy" (their words, not ours) a 20-minute phone chat with Suze Orman? Do note, though, that you'll need to bid a minimum of $1,000.

At least the Twitterati's woes were entertaining today: The mayor of San Francisco talked about butts; Paul Carr named Julia Allison's new scandal and a newspaper editor swore oddly at the difficulty of blogging.

Shia LaBeouf codifies a Jewish stereotype, Broadway still hates Jeremy Piven, Larry King lives on despite being 132 and not having Carrie Prejean on his show, and Alicia Keys is dating some rapper guy.

What happened on Larry King Live last night? Why was Larry panting over and fondling Levi Johnston's tattoo? What was with the creepy "sheep sex in the woods" undertones?

All the cable news networks seek pundits willing to act like absurd political caricatures. This keeps Comedy Central in business. But it turns out Fox News is especially dumb and obvious about the practice.

Larry King eating lunch at Michael's ... Heidi Klum returning to her hotel in Soho with an armful of kids' clothes and toys ... Michelle Williams and Spike Jonze going to breakfast with Matilda in Brooklyn ... Denzel Washington sitting in an SUV outside his hotel in Midtown ... Chace Crawford carrying a cup of coffee in the West Village ... Katy Perry leaving her hotel in Midtown ... Iman shopping in Soho ... Whitney Houston arriving at LaGuardia ... Matthew Broderick leaving his West Village townhouse ... Rachel Zoe walking by herself ... Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr leaving dinner at One Lucky Duck on East 19th Street ... and Martin Scorsese standing on the sidewalk with wife Helen and daughters Domenica and Francesca following Easter dinner in Midtown.

A very futuristic-looking Matthew Broderick climbing on his scooter outside his West Village townhouse ... Larry King walking on the Upper West Side ... Minnie Driver carrying a cup of coffee in the Village ... Angelina Jolie filming scenes for her new movie on Staten Island ... Jennifer Aniston covering up her face on the way out of her hotel ... Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon leaving their apartment en route to the airport ... Miley Cyrus walking on Madison Avenue with her sister ... Early Show weatherman Dave Price arriving at JFK ... Juliette Lewis walking by herself ... Joel Osteen and his wife Victoria leaving their hotel ... David Duchovny taking his daughter to the dentist ... and Naomi Watts sitting on a bench on the set of her new movie in Brooklyn.

It's been a rough few weeks for CNN. Ratings have falling fast, especially for primetime programs hosted by Anderson Cooper and Campbell Brown, news that came to light the same day Brown rather bizarrely confessed her apartment had been invaded by "toxic mold" in recent months. To make matters worse, this past weekend the Daily News revealed that Jeffrey Toobin, CNN's very-much-married legal analyst, has been having an affair with the daughter of former colleague Jeff Greenfield, and may have even gotten her pregnant, too. So how is CNN CEO Jon Klein responding to the bad news?

Some surprising finds from the massive list of Madoff victims released last night: John Malkovich, Hall of Fame pitcher Sandy Koufax, the estate of John Denver, CNN's Larry King, former public advocate Mark Green, real estate developer Larry Silverstein, and Madoff's own lawyer, Ira Lee Sorkin. (Not everyone listed is necessarily a victim—it includes anyone who responded to advertisements placed by the trustee overseeing the bankruptcy of the firm.) But there's one name that is curiously missing from the list. Zsa Zsa Gabor! The 91-year-old actress and her publicity-loving ninth husband, "Prince" Frederic von Anhalt, made a big production a couple weeks ago about how they lost $10 million to Madoff's scheme. Neither Gabor nor von Anhalt, however, are listed in the 163-page document.

Tom Cruise is trying to get inside the female mind; Joe Francis slipped into women's underwear and Mike Tyson is, once again, overwhelmed with lady attention.

• Lizzie Grubman gave birth to another son yesterday. Little Jack arrived ahead of schedule, though, which must be wreaking havoc on Lizzie's weekend plans. [P6]
• Larry King lost "more than $1 million" to Bernie Madoff. And some sources say Madoff is now contending with some "serious" health issues. [P6]
• Tom Cruise is undergoing an image makeover so he can win back female fans. This will reportedly prohibit him from wearing sunglasses on the red carpet, getting grabby with Katie Holmes, or lecturing TV hosts on psychiatric medications. [Star]

Trend alert: Did you know it's very "hot" to be black or lesbian right now? We know it's true because CNN coolhunter Larry King, 112, said so. Everyone laughed nervously.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner mixed well with the gay former mayor of New Jersey, while a Variety movie reviewer had a much harder time stomaching interaction with the real-life "Dude" from The Big Lebowski.

♦ Michael Wolff's biography of Rupert Murdoch goes on sale tomorrow, as you probably know thanks to the torrent of coverage over the past couple of days. Among the juiciest bits: Murdoch despises Bill O'Reilly, his wife Wendi Deng occasionally reads his email, and he's fond of sleeping pills. [NYT, Gawker, Politico, NYO, Portfolio]
♦ The third quarter of 2008 was a punishing one for newspapers. Ad revenue plunged 18.11 percent, the steepest decline in four decades. [E&P]
♦ Tina Brown's pick for host of Meet the Press: Rachel Maddow. [TDB]
♦ Four Christmases was No. 1 at the box office over the weekend, racking up an estimated $31.7 million in ticket sales. [THR]

Calvin Klein turns 66 years old today. Chef (and axed Dancing with the Stars contestant) Rocco DiSpirito is celebrating his 42nd. The Today show's Ann Curry is 52. Larry King may look 100, but he's (only) turning 75. Former GE CEO Jack Welch is 73. Ted Turner is 70. WNYC president Laura Walker is turning 51. Book publisher Julie Grau is 45. Jodie Foster is 46. Model Daria Werbowy is turning 25. Meg Ryan is turning 47. Sportcaster Ahmad Rashad turns 59. Actress Allison Janney is 49. Former Olympic gymnast Kerri Strug is turning 31. And TV legend Dick Cavett is 72 years old today.