Sienna and Jude's balls: Barbados-bound. Together they'll make domestic reconciliation layer cake. Lady Gagadong's moneyballs will drop on New Years. William Hurt is your new existential bicycle. Gene Simmons is still trying to rock. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• Brittany Murphy's funeral has been scheduled for tomorrow, Christmas Eve. In other Brittany news, her super-sketchy husband Simon Monjack, who indicated initially that he didn't want an autopsy to be performed on Murphy, now says he wants to know exactly what caused her death, although he also says he's sure it didn't have anything to do with her having a drug problem or eating disorder of any kind; the coroner in LA is completely baffled how information about Murphy's giant cache of prescription drugs made its way to TMZ and says he's planning a full investigation; and in what may be the most twisted development of the day, it seems Murphy's LA home has already been added to a "Haunted Hollywood" tour.
• Poor Mischa Barton. She showed up at the Whole Foods in Soho with her Shih-Pom, Ziggy, and was then informed that the store doesn't permit dogs inside, even those that happen to belong to semi-famous people. [NYDN]
• Steven Tyler of Aerosmith says he's been addicted to painkillers for years and is now heading to rehab. [People]

• Jake Gyllenhaal just split up with Reese Witherspoon. Has he already moved on with Anne Hathaway? That's what the National Enquirer is suggesting. So it could be true, but it could also be totally made up. [ShowbizSpy]
• In other Anne Hathaway news, it turns out the guy who crashed his bike into the car she was sitting in earlier this week was a paparazzo. [AP]
• Demi Moore posted a pic of herself to Twitter—it was an outtake from a recent Harper's Bazaar photo shoot—and fellow Twitter users unleashed their wrath, suggesting the photos had been Photoshopped and telling her she looked old. "I'm 47. How am I supposed to look?" she responded. This actually makes us feel a bit bad for Demi, which isn't something that happens very often. [Us]
• "Snooki" (Nicole Polizzi) from MTV's Jersey Shore has been fired from her receptionist job for taking time off to go to LA to promote the show. (She's not too broken up about it. She got to hang out with Kristin Cavallari while she was there, so it was totally worth it.) In other Snooki news, the guy who punched her in the face on the show, a scene MTV censored, says he's sorry. [NYDN, Us]

Lady Gaga's Bad Romance music video garnered 40 million YouTube views in under a month. So, remakes are expected. First, we saw Carlo's home remake. Then, Rachel Sklar's Bad Shiska. Now, Gaga gets the Sims treatment—and it's brilliant.

• Closures: Design magazine I.D. is shutting down. And while Editor & Publisher revealed last week it's folding, there's now a small chance it'll survive. [E&P]
• More bad news: The New Republic laid off some staff today. [Politico]
• Diane Sawyer's farewell to GMA last week and George Stephanopoulos's debut on Monday both did okay, but neither one topped Today. [NYO, NYT]
• More TV news: CNN's ratings continue to suck; Oprah's Obama special scored big ratings; and Oprah pal Nate Berkus is getting his own show, as rumored.
• Golf Digest says it has no regrets about its new Tiger Woods cover. Which is a tad convenient since it went to press before the scandal broke. [Us]
• Men's Health editor Dave Zinczenko got snubbed by his bosses today. [DF]
• Paramount plans to start selling movie clips on the Web next week. [NYT]
• As for plans to create the "Hulu of magazines," it isn't going to be easy. [PC]
• The guy who stalked ESPN's Erin Andrews pleaded guilty today. [AP]
• Advertisers are totally loving Lady Gaga right now. Her "Bad Romance" video managed to squeeze in ten product placements in under five minutes. [LAT]
• Golden Globe noms were announced today. Just in case you missed it. [NYM]

• Courtney Love has lost control of her daughter. Frances Bean Cobain is almost an adult—she's 17—but a LA judge has granted guardianship to Kurt Cobain's mother and younger sister yesterday. Don't think it's because Courtney is on drugs or completely crazy (although she is). It's just that Frances is a "strong-willed child" and prefers to "live with her grandmother at this time." [People, TMZ]
• Alex Rodriguez and Kate Hudson have yet to confirm reports they've broken up, but it's looking like A-Rod has already moved on. He was seen in Miami this past weekend in the company of a "leggy blonde," and reportedly told another bunch of girls he was chatting up that he's "definitely single." [P6, NYDN]
• Tara Reid's redemption is underway! Not only is she hanging out with classy characters like Giuseppe Cipriani, she's announced that she'll be appearing topless in the January-February issue of Playboy. Welcome back! [P6, Us]

• Remember last week when Lindsay Lohan announced that she'd "saved" a bunch of kids in India from becoming victims of child trafficking? Yea, well, it seems she wasn't even in the country yet when that happened, at least according to according to a leading social activist in New Delhi, who has since filed a complaint with the BBC, which was filming Lohan's efforts for a documentary. In any event, LiLo must be totally, like, spent from saving the world: She returned to the U.S over the weekend after spending less than a week there. [Telegraph, People]
• In other LiLo news, the Lohan family website is now selling some of her secondhand clothes. If you'd like to buy Lindsay's hideous wardrobe from back in her Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen days, you're in luck. [P6]
• The New York Post has added an esteemed new columnist to its roster! Ashley Dupre is the paper's new love, sex, and relationship columnist. In her first column, Dupre answers questions about a rebellious teen, how to tell if one's husband is unhappy, whether or not to share your "number," and also offers up some Christmas gift ideas. There's even a video to go with it in which Dupre is dressed up like a naughty schoolgirl. [NYP]

• Lindsay Lohan landed in India yesterday where she's taking part in a BBC documentary on child sex trafficking. And she's already making a difference! Just hours after landing, she hopped on Twitter to proclaim that "over 40 children" have been "saved so far." What she did to save these kids isn't clear (especially when she could use some saving herself), but why quibble over details? [Us]
• In other (and more dubious) LiLo news, the Daily News reports that Lohan has a new man: "Lindsay Lohan is covering all her bases before she ships off to India—and that includes kissing several boys goodbye." Given she's already left the country, you may want to ignore what follows from there, but the guy she's supposedly seeing is Adam Senn, the model and bad boy from first season of The City, who met LiLo during Fashion Week and is someone Senn is hoping to "get to know even better." [NYDN]
• Have Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broken up? Who knows, but he was supposedly seen flirting with a bunch of women the other night. [P6]
• Today in Tiger: The number of women Woods has been cheating with hit 13 yesterday afternoon, just as racy text messages that Tiger sent Jaimee Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel surfaced. In other Tiger mistress news, a video featuring porn star Holly Sampson bragging about having sex with Tiger Woods also turned up yesterday. And Uchitel is supposedly planning to get tested for STDs now that she's found out how many women Tiger has been hooking up with.

Lady Gaga leaving Nobu last night after having dinner ... Cate Blanchett crossing the street in NoHo ... Sienna Miller leaving Jude Law's apartment with Jonny Lee Miller ... Kim Kardashian arriving at JFK, and later leaving the Wendy Williams Show ... Jason Bateman and Beth Ditto arriving at MTV in Times Square ... Taylor Lautner getting off a flight at JFK ... Taylor Swift walking in Midtown with a couple of bodyguards ... Rihanna arriving at JFK to catch a flight ... Taylor Momsen walking to the set of Gossip Girl ... and Rachel Uchitel going into an Equinox gym and later walking downtown with a friend.

• It looks like Tiger Woods' wife has had enough. Elin Nordegren moved out of the couple's Florida home yesterday and is staying at another home nearby. It doesn't look like she's planning to come back. Swedish news outlets are reporting that she paid $2.3 million to buy a house in in Sweden last week. [Radar, NYDN, NYP]
• Another 911 call was received from Tiger Woods' house last night. It's still unclear what happened, but an ambulance transported a middle-aged woman to the hospital and a "blonde woman" reportedly followed behind in an Escalade. One possibility is that it was Elin Nordegren's mom, who flew to the U.S. last week to be with her daughter. [TMZ, Radar]
• Yet another Woods mistress may be getting ready to come forward. And this one's claiming she has cell phone photos of Tiger's nether regions. Playgirl says it's is in the process of "authenticating" the pics to make sure it's him. How it plans to do that is unclear, although there are nine women (and counting) who should be able to help, presumably. [Us]
• Uma Thurman and fiancé Arki Busson have called it quits. And Bernie Madoff may be partly to blame. The Swiss financier reportedly lost a bundle investing with Madoff, and that may have put a strain on the relationship. [NYP]

Angelina's secret second family: seven Muslim children, and a wife. Lady Gaga spawns jokes about old queens, Suri Cruise goes glam like never before, Tiger Woods' wife buys a mansion in Sweden. Tuesday gossip keeps coming back for more.

• Tiger Woods' mistress tally is quickly approaching the double digits. Jamie Jungers, a Las Vegas model, says she had a two-year affair with Woods; then there's Cori Rist, an aspiring model, who says she started seeing Woods after meeting him at Butter. To top it all off, porn star Holly Sampson has also been mentioned as a woman Woods was involved with, although she's yet to confirm or deny the report. Meanwhile, Queen Oprah thoughtfully reached out to Tiger over the weekend and offered him the opportunity to tell his side of the story, and that may be his best chance yet of somehow saving his rep at this point. [NYDN, E! NYDN]
• Alexa Joel, the daughter of Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, is recovering at home after what seems to have been a suicide attempt on Saturday. Joel took a bunch of homeopathic sleeping pills—possibly because she was upset over a break-up—and then called 911 herself. [NYP, NYDN, NYP]

Who hasn't slept with Tiger Woods? An actress who debuted in The Wonder Years, then went on to OMG Stop Tickling Me joins Tiger's stable; Lohan looks surprisingly hot in a faux-threesome; reality stars eat rats. Monday gossip ahoy!

Hollywood gays: Stay in the closet! That's what Rupert Everett ("Another Country," "My Best Friend's Wedding") told the UK's Guardian. Even though you may be happier in the end, your career will suck, which is the most important thing.

Lady Gaga is looking very lady-like on the January cover of Elle. She can't fool us! We know there is a penis hiding in there somewhere. Please help us search for it.

• Rupert Murdoch is hoping to give the Times a run for its money. The mogul plans to put $15 million into the NYC edition of the Wall Street Journal. [NYO]
• ABC still hasn't said who's replacing Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America, which has led to some "puzzlement and frustration" among staffers. [LAT]
• Why is Comcast planning to keep Jeff Zucker on as NBC Universal's CEO after it takes control of the company? There are no easy explanations, alas. [NYT]
• The Times may "prune" its collection of 70 blogs to cut expenses. [NYO]
• Sam Zell has stepped down as CEO of Tribune; he'll remain chairman. [NYT]
• The lineup for Sundance 2010 was announced today. [Vulture, NYT]
• Tiger Woods' spicy extracurricular activities would have come out two years ago if the National Enquirer hadn't cut a deal with the golfer. Allegedly. [NYP]

What do Lady Gaga, Dan Abrams, Lady Gaga's Penis, and Rachel Sklar have in common with JFK? They're all out to shut down my Macarthur Grant-level work on the Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy. Sklar claims to have done it.

In honor of wacky Lady Gaga's Monster Ball Tour, starting today: a homemade version of the insane, fashion-heavy, exquisite Bad Romance video. It might not have flaming beds and polar bear dresses, but there's spirit in that kid's shake.

He loves her so much he cast her in his next movie. Rosie O'Donnel's weird date, Courtney Love in a strip club, and Zac Efron thinks stars are famous. This is the 11:26 Gossip train to New Haven. All aboard!

That's because it's now got 100% more of phone hacking PR girl Ali Wise. Also Emma Watson gets around, Lady Gaga marries Papa John, and J.Lo meant to fall down. It's Tuesday and that's all the gossip you get.