Joe Jonas' relationship is a charade. Suri Cruise plays with penis candies. Jodie Foster is desperately in love with Mel Gibson. Thursday gossip is living a lie.

Last night on Kourtney and Kim Take New York, Kim Kardashian recorded a song with The Dream. You've already heard the auto-tuned masterpiece, now go behind the music to see the trials and tribulations of a reality star gone pop.

Kim Kardashian debuted her first foray into music—a feat of autotuning called "Jam"—on Ryan Seacrest's radio show today. "Turn me up, Turn me up, Turn me, Turn me, Turn me up," she bleats thinly. Kim is either trapped at a club with very quiet DJ (The same club where Ke$ha and J.Lo are always begging, "Turn it up." Maybe the deejays are quiet because they only have access to shitty songs?) or she is asking us to turn up the faucet from which all things Kim Kardashian pour, because this song is a celebration of the art of earning your keep with half-hearted product endorsements and paid appearances:

The lady network has had success with the Holloway story before, so they're going again. Great. Also today: a show gets canceled, Paul Rudd is the king of Ireland, and Kim Kardashian takes a stab at legitimacy.

Last night on Kourtney and Kim Take New York, Kim spent the episode moping around because she was turning the "dirty 30." She continued to be completely boring until her sister peer-pressured her into doing a surprisingly good keg stand.

Kim Kardashian celebrates her 30th birthday by making a video of herself getting frothed in the face. Nicki Minaj "doesn't do" escalators. Charlie Sheen throws a party. A vengeful flight attendant plays a "wire hangers" prank on Faye Dunaway. Monday gossip's cup overfloweth.

"Sometimes just raw energy and intelligence wins out." This man, an entertainment executive, is talking about Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates. But he is also specifically talking about the Kardashians. [Jezebel]

"My fantasy is to have Keeping Up With Kardashians, Season 26. Who knew it would be this profitable? I should have had more kids." —Kris Jenner to The Hollywood Reporter, on her family's $65M income and fear of "overexposure."

Paris Hilton's birthday gift cost more than your house. Charlie Sheen lectures Lindsay Lohan on "impulse control." Jessica Alba is pregnant again. Thursday gossip likes the cars that go boom.

Kim Kardashian deploys a team of tailors to sew her butt into her dress. Eva Longoria's new boyfriend has an "Eva" tattoo. Charlie Sheen passes two drug tests. Prince Harry will be Prince William's best man. Monday gossip busts out.

To prepare for court, Lindsay Lohan gets her hair did. Jude Law and Sienna Miller break up. Kim Kardashian gains 10 lbs. on "street meat." Kevin Smith loses 65 lbs. on a diet of shame. Wednesday gossip sits in judgment.

Last night, Prince performed a concert at Madison Square Garden. During the show, he invited Kim Kardashian on stage to dance with him. But she just stood there awkwardly! So, he kicked her ass off the stage like a boss.

Monday was the last night of musician/god Prince's run of concerts at Madison Square Garden, and because he is Prince, and does what he wants, he invited large-busted socialite Kim Kardashian to dance with him onstage (around 1:00 in the video). But she didn't dance! Instead, she stood there and pulled that awkward-pretend-laugh-oh-God-I'm-so-uncomfortable move that is a favorite of people who can't dance, or don't want to embarrass themselves trying.

Halle Berry's custody battle gets ugly. Jennifer Aniston could have been an SNL cast member. Whoopi Goldberg on shitting the bed. Lindsay Lohan didn't steal that necklace, she "borrowed" it. Thursday gossip has feminine wiles.

Singing Furby Justin Bieber has enlisted the help of Jersey Shore's The Situation and DJ Paulie D to make promos for his new 3D concert extravaganza Never Say Never. The results are terrifying.

Today at Gawker.TV, Kim Kardashian reacts to her nude photos in W Magazine, The Bachelor's Brad Womack and Adam Carolla appear on The Soup, Portlandia puts a bird on it, and Nicki Minaj's butt wins Saturday Night Live.

Kim thought she'd be "fully covered with artwork" even though she posed completely nude for her spread in W magazine. As you might have expected, when she learned it was going out to newsstands, she cried hysterically.

Britney Spears overshadows the bride at a wedding. Claire Danes flies coach, and won't stop bragging about it. Charlie Sheen's rehab will take three months. David Arquette is done with rehab. Monday gossip is momentous.

Kim tithes to a church her mother founded with a wayward Rick Warren disciple. Countess LuAnn gets a job. Jennifer Aniston isn't adopting a baby. Jenna Jameson calls Chelsea Handler a "whore." Thursday gossip sends mixed messages.

At the Nets-Mavericks game, Kim Kardashian met Snooki. What did they talk about? By bribing an imaginary eavesdropper with a wizard hat of doubloons, we acquired an exclusive fictional transcript of the conversation.