Oh, look, a picture of Bill O'Reilly's Valentine to Obama. Look at that hilarious multiculti group of kids he is with! Is this a college admissions brochure? FreeRepublic commenters are making loofah jokes! (Adorable, guys, but it's "falafel.") [Mediaite]

Question: How can the children be the future of America when they, the children, yearn to be naked, and their liberal, Obama-loving parents allow them to run around with their little wee-wees and va-jay-jays hanging out all over the place?

What is today, America? Lo, it's the day when Jon and Kate Gosselin make their big announcement on the reality show they have, with their kids, on the TV. This could save gossip magazines! We rank the possibilities, below.

Not that it's news, but jesus, O'Reilly, you're a dick. It's Friday night, everyone's about to enjoy their weekend, and what do you do? You bring on the parent of some cute YouTube sensation kid, and skewer him.

You hear about people finding out years after a one-night fling that they have a kid they never met, and you think, "Wild, but I can see how it happened." Then you hear about Larry King's "long lost" son, Larry King Jr., and you think, "Larry King is insane."

The "Crisis Response Team" of a tiny little Minnesota town put together a book to help children deal with disasters. Let's learn and grow together.

Men who were problem-solving machines in finance have been laid off, and are now forced to do "family" activities. Silver lining: finally some dudes with real smarts to clean up these "PTA meetings" and shit!

The father of nine-year-old Slumdog Millionaire star Rubina Ali has been arrested for allegedly trying to sell her to an undercover reporter—but he says he's innocent, and it's all a setup. What's going on?

The US vs. Pirate war drums are beating. So what if the latest crop of pirates were ragged teenagers who died in qat withdrawal? The anti-piracy brigade of highly trained dolphins will destroy them!

Some crazy fourth grade teacher in Texas (*Texas joke*) allowed her young charges to write sympathy notes to AIG, of all places, which made AIG execs absolutely weepy. Public education fails again:

Edwina Pearce, a spokeswoman for the Cancer Council Victoria, which produced the ad in Australia, said the boy, whom she identified only as Alexander, shed real tears.

Good work, liberal media, in helping make Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and a little kid the standard-bearers of the conservative movement. The little kid was on Today today!

Conservative wunderkind Jonathan Krohn was interviewed by CBS's Bob Schieffer today, in case you want to feel sad.

Lost in all this controversy over NY Post cartoonist Sean Delonas' ham-handed monkey bigot hackery is this: will this national uproar hurt the sales of Delonas' kiddie book? That would be the real tragedy.

To head off child-stalking paparazzi, the Obamas released three photos of their All-American kids getting ready for school today! They need a better photographer—but they still won't stop the PAPS. Click to go "AW."

That crazy Duggar family from the reality show 17 and Counting was on the Today this morning. Because mom just gave birth to baby number 18. Why are we encouraging these people?

Ads: they're everywhere! How many times must we repeat that pithy, insightful line? But it's true! Ads are on set-top box menus and the outsides of subway cars and inside your computer and strapped onto girls who are following you around. And every month or so ads appear in some new place and we think, "This, I fear, is the absolute pinnacle of psycho ad creep into every inappropriate nook of our lives." Well that was before teachers started selling advertising on their tests:

This past summer, the Evil Food Conglomerates of America agreed to "limit" advertising that "targeted children," though their definition of that is loose enough to keep selling a lot of Pop-Tarts to 13-year-olds. They did this to try to preclude some kind of rule that would outlaw their advertising to children altogether. Unfortunately for the Hamburglar, a new study is out that has people actually talking about banning youth-targeted fast food ads, which would really be an incredible thing. "No fatties," the study proclaims: