This video is cute—well, it's cute in a "Did that little girl just get possessed by Satan?" way. Anyway! This is Penny. Because Penny's parents are horrible, they decided to feed her grapefruit juice and film the results.

A local newscaster reporting sports from a viewer's house got a little too into the game when playing hoops with a child. Watch him pull a slam dunk then start talking trash right in front of the boy's parents.

This weekend, I came across "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" by Amy Chua. Since I have a Chinese mother, I assembled my face into a self-righteous smirk and began to read. But—woe is me!—my Chinese mother's a fraud.

Soccer player David Beckham and his android wife Victoria are expecting a child sometime this summer! The creepily good-looking couple already have three kids named "Brooklyn," "Cruz" and "Romeo." What hilarious name will they give this poor child?

Babies usually have an odd sense of humor, so you never really know what will make them laugh. This baby looses it over the phrase "chicken noodle", cuteness ahead.

Six tweenage girls from Nevada, the moral wasteland that bore demon Sharron Angle from its sandy loins, were arrested after police discovered a Facebook event they'd created that was dedicated to threatening certain teachers with violence.

Certainly not a contender for parent of the year, this woman apparently mistakes "shaken baby syndrome" for holistic exercise. In what universe is this deemed safe or acceptable?

Meet Charlotte. She and her presidential placemat are acing US History before she hits kindergarten. The best part? Her Richard Nixon impression.

King apparently asks this difficult adult question to students K-12, just in case any of those five-year-olds are considering baby murder anytime soon. And if one of them responds with the typical psychobabble about "trimesters," he compares abortion to the similarly sunny issue of school shootings:

While your kids got a Nintendo Wii, this boy got flags. Yes, flags. He has the presence of mind to pronounce them with the same ceremonious vigor. Obscure flags, all correct. Just wait for "Central African Republic."

Like the cutest suspect under interrogation, this baby says no to everything mom and dad suggest. That's the best defense in the book: deny, deny, deny.

Hundreds of flights have been canceled, none more important than the one 8 year old Alexander Wright was boarding. Watch him complain to the local news about how he's supposed to be in Florida, tanning.

The sound of the window breaking and the sight of his alarmed face is priceless; what did he think was going to happen?

"Because he sings horrible." Would you take a look at that, America? We have a non-conformist on our hands. It's the best present she can give her family: not liking Justin Bieber.

This will melt your heart. Even as the kids get older, they pay heed to tradition, scooting down step by step to greet their father on Christmas morning. From 1985-2009. Video put together by the kid (grownup).

Kids at the Jirasartwitthaya elementary school in Ayutthaya, Thailand, are paid a visit by an elephant dressed as Santa Claus earlier today. [Image via AP]

As stated in his brief local news interview, this little boy has been waiting for Christmas for too long. He's a sweet kid, but none too bright when it comes to running into strollers.

In this video, a tiny asshole who's just gotten a Wii and a bunch of other toys for Christmas freaks out when his parents dare to give him a book, a book, as well. This is why we're dumb, folks.

Well, one thing is for certain: in the American Food Culture War, Michelle Obama's side isn't the only one indoctrinating kids young.

So many questions... Who thinks "Trololo" is a Christmas song? And why are these children wearing such creepy masks? This is like something out of David Lynch's dreams. Keep an eye out for 9-year-old Guy Fawkes in row three!