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9:05 On this weepy morning of mornings, we've had plenty of colon cancer coverage — but now it's time for the real deal, the softly lit interview with Couric talking about her late husband, Jay Monahan, who died in 1998. Be careful, everyone: now that Katie's leaving her Today show platform, there's a good chance we'll all eventually need chemo.

9:16 After no less than 5 musical montages of Katie doing whatfuckingever, we're finally treated to a montage of her various hair styles over the past 15 years. Celebrity "experts" Joan Rivers and Jonathan Antin provide color commentary. Antin gives Rivers a run for her money on the freak factor.

9:21 Montage finally ends. Full body shot of Katie — bright skirt, well-oiled legs, and some sky-high peep-toe pumps. You know, a little something to remember her by.

9:22 Joan Rivers notes that Katie's worn "exactly" 3,421 different outfits. We don't care enough to do the math, but doesn't that seem kind of low for 15 years? Sounds like someone would rather bust out the Febreeze than do a seasonal update at Barneys.

9:30 Only 30 minutes left! Gene Shalit comes out with Willard Scott. With Willard on performing some sort of sing-songy farewell, suddenly 30 minutes seems interminably long.

9:36 A little something for the Gays: the cast of Jersey Boys is now performing, and they've changed the lyrics from Bye Bye Baby to "Bye bye, Katie." Why, why do you have to leave-o? You're the one girl in town that we TiVo... A camera quicly cuts to Couric. She's beaming; a crew member gazes at her adoringly. If we were Matt Lauer, we'd have killed ourselves 20 minutes ago.

9:40 Another fucking performance from the cast of Jersey Boys. Couric's clearly lusting after the guys, even when they sing about her colonoscopy.

9:42 Harvey Fierstein makes a brief appearance and sings a lullabye. Gayest farewell ever?

9:44 Party streamers go a-flyin! Katie thinks it's "so cute." They're holding a giant, poster-sized picture of her; Matt Lauer says he's going to snuggle with Harvey as soon as things are over. We knew this would be hard for him.

9:47 A message to Katie from the staff of the Today show. "Memories matter," they tell us. Producers speak over heartfelt piano music. Did you know that Katie once kicked off her shoes and ran through the mud to get an exclusive interview with John Kerry and John Edwards? It's true! She did! She's a real newswoman!

9:48 We learn that Katie likes to "share." If she likes a scarf you're wearing, she'll wear it outside. That is to say, she'll go into your closet and steal all your shit. Like a real sister, y'know?

9:49 Everyone is standing on the steps of Rockefeller Center. Her voice is cracking, but her flute of champagne is easing the pain.

9:50 For the "girl who has everything," someone from the art department has made Katie a collage. And there's a melting cake. It's only marginally more painful than your last office birthday party.

9:51 Lauer says that she's been a "great colleague and a terrific friend." He says that she'll go on to "great heights" — but really, like Jordan, won't she be back in 2 years anyhow? Katie thanks everyone, says she'll kiss them and get makeup on them all. Appropriately, it has to end with her leaving her smeary mark on everyone.

9:52 Oh yes, yet ANOTHER montage. With credits. And uplifting pop music. Is this it? Did we just get cheated out of our fair due of 8 more minutes?

9:54 Thank God, just one last moment with Katie, but only for maybe 3 seconds. She thanks everyone again but gets cut off by NBC promos. How fitting. The queen is dead! Long live the network!