Lindsay Lohan meant to give an interview before today's court appearance, but freaked out and locked herself in her bedroom instead. Hugh Hefner's wedding special is back on. Tobey Maguire and Matt Damon get caught up in a illegal poker scandal. Thursday gossip makes demands.

Crystal Harris has perfect timing—it's too late for Hugh Hefner to cancel her issue of Playboy. Aniston moves in with her boyfriend. Emma Watson dates a co-star. Cee-Lo is tired of being famous. Thursday gossip is moving on.

Jen pulls an Angelina and lands a man. Selena Gomez pulls a Lohan and pleads "exhaustion." Pregnant Tori Spelling's paparazzi car crash. Liza Minnelli's fabulous yard sale. Tuesday gossip keeps its eye on the prize.

This Hollywood lady's shaman told her to drink animal blood every day. This TV actor likes to frequent Thai brothels. And this royal couldn't stop staring at Jennifer Aniston's boobs. Looks like the shaman's spell is finally working!

Reese Witherspoon gives an ad hoc seminar on safe sexting. Jennifer Aniston launches a PDA offensive with yet another male co-star. Kim Kardashian has wedding dress drama. Pippa Middleton never sweats. Monday gossip has sex tape remorse.

Natalie Portman runs into the lady she stole her fiance from, while avoiding the lady who called her a fraud. Lady Gaga says her critics are bullies. Kim Kardashian could make millions from her wedding. Thursday gossip was born this sensitive.

That's what the movies would have us believe, anyway. Also today: HBO goes on a comedy-ordering bonanza, Terra Nova is not on terra firma, neither is Law & Order, and a new reality show actually sounds... good?

Today at Gawker.TV, everyone swoons over Justin Theroux on Parks & Rec, Stephen Colbert claims the Taliban's channeling Mad Men, 30 Rock makes veiled suggestions for NBC, The Office's clip show let-down, and Archer is brilliance in sexed-up cartoon form.

After last week's dismal setup, Leslie Knope was due for real romance. Justin Theroux guested on Thursday's Parks and Recreation as Leslie's love interest, whose adventure-filled life and unintentional superiority starkly contrasts Pawnee's municipal sphere and its denizens' Indiana dreaming.

Fashion survivor Betsey Johnson turns 67 today. Real estate developer Harry Macklowe is turning 72. Actress Angie Harmon is 37. Author, political commentator and blogger Andrew Sullivan is turning 46. Model/actress Devon Aoki is turning 27. Rosanna Arquette is 50. Times art critic Roberta Smith is turning 62. Legendary federal judge Jack Weinstein is 88. Harriet Miers, who served as White House counsel under George W. Bush, is 64. Actor Justin Theroux turns 38. And Antonio Banderas celebrates his 49th birthday today.

1) At the New York premiere of spy thriller Traitor at the Regal Union Square last night, the film's stars Don Cheadle, Guy Pearce, Said Taghmaoui, and Mozhan Marno walked the red carpet along with director Jeffrey Nachmanoff, Busta Rhymes, Jesse Williams, Estelle, Aubrey O'Day, and Nicole Miller. [NYO/Wireimage]

Take a good look at that Tropic Thunder poster. Go past the glossy, airbrushed photos of the film's many stars, past the lush jungle setting, past the fiery explosions, and you might notice something. See there? Down at the bottom? It says "Screenplay by Ben Stiller & Justin Theroux, and Etan Cohen." Sure, other more "legitimate" media outlets may give all the ink to those first two dudes, but here at Defamer we like to dig a little deeper. Just who is this Etan Cohen fellow and how did he get roped in to working on the biggest comedy of the summer? Stick around after the jump to hear one of Hollywood's newest writing stars dish the dirt about meeting Tom Cruise for the first time, what it feels like to suddenly have people kissing your ass, and why you shouldn't be offended by all that Simple Jack stuff.

Hints abound today that the wheels may be coming off the souped-up Dark Knight bandwagon — and not just at the box office, where some estimates have Tropic Thunder usurping the top spot this weekend. TDK's sweeping cultural influence may be in jeopardy as well, with its Greatest! Movie! Ever! status now reduced to a nonsensical three-way tie at IMDB and a pair of formidable opponents shaping up across town at Camp Iron Man. In case you missed it, Robert Downey Jr. has already resorted to dramatic efforts of Batsabotage ("Didn't get it, still can't tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. ... You know what? F-ck DC comics"), and now jealousy-inspiring actor/screenwriter Justin Theroux has enlisted exactly the kind of metaphorical bitchslap we'd expect from his soaring geekcake talent:

Despite all traces of Simple Jack—veteran fake-action-star Tugg Speedman's brazen Oscar-shot playing a stuttering, simpleton farmhand—having been literally whitewashed from the web, activists remain outraged over Tropic Thunder's depiction-within-a-depiction of the developmentally disabled as bucktoothed "retards" incapable of expressing affection without the use of the phrase, "You mm-mm-m-ake my p-p-pee-peemaker t-t-t-tingle." (Sheesh—so touchy.) As threatened, dozens of placard-wielding protesters outfitted in 'Retard'busters T-shirts marched outside last night's premiere in Westwood, giving the proceedings the strangely familiar air of an RGA West strike line. From the AP report:

It turns out we may have attributed the day's Screenwriter Dream Come True to Justin Theroux too soon — we hadn't yet browsed the news that Steven Spielberg anointed Diablo Cody to adapt another one of his stories as a comedy for DreamWorks, and we hadn't heard Seth Rogen's indirect riposte to the idea that he and his colleagues should deign to working with... well, he just tells the story better:

Like most celebrants of cinema's smoldering, dangerous geek-stud archetype, we've been following actor Justin Theroux's career arc for a while — mostly in front of the camera, obviously, where his roles in Mullholland Drive, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, Six Feet Under and elsewhere yielded a batch of performances we presumed would catapult him to the A-list sooner or later. But now it's just getting ridiculous, as we're learning that Theroux just nabbed one of the most desirable writing gigs in Hollywood: Iron Man 2.

Those adorably violent animal lovers over at PETA have temporarily ceased from attacking fur-toting starlets with tomatoes to round up their nominees for this year’s Sexiest Vegetarian award. And judging by the list of potential winners, it seems that granola-loving male celebrities are seriously lacking in the “sexy” department as compared to their female counterparts. Herbivores like Naomi Watts and Natalie Portman are listed among the ladies, whereas guyliner fans, racist talk show hosts and '80s heartthrob-turned-has-beens make up the majority of the male contenders. We take a closer look at the uneven distribution after the jump.

• Foxy Brown found out that her boyfriend was a pimp. Then she was attacked by a hooker who pulled out chunks of her weave and stole her hearing aid. What is next for Foxy? Can it please involve 'Flavor of Love: Charm School' please please please? [NYDN]