We certainly don't expect much from the grunts writing headlines for CBS's celebrity coverage, but this one would look bad even on E!'s relentlessly punning website. In fact, the "Pretty Mother" thing is so offputting that we're momentarily distracted from her new twins' inevitably semiretarded names, Phinnaeus and Hazel (a mere 3 on the Retarded Celebrity Baby Names Scale, where 1=James Broderick and 5=Apple Paltrow), which we think she may have stolen from Madonna's Kabbalah children's book. We wish Roberts and her toothy infants all the best, and hope their pre-arranged paparazzi photo shoots go as smoothly as possible.

Yesterday, in a gilded Los Angeles hospital room, Oscar-winning actress Julia Roberts pooped out a set of babies. The twins were born a month early (which is funny, because we could've sworn Roberts has been pregnant for at least two years) and so it's time for another retarded celebrity baby-naming party! Hazel Patricia and Phinnaeus Walter Roberts-Moder (we're guessing on the hyphenation) will now join Apple Paltrow-Martin and MaKena'lei Gordon Carnahan-Hunt at the losers' lunch table. When you name your kids after domestic servants, it practically guarantees a lifetime of misery and ridicule.
Actress Julia Roberts Gives Birth To Twins [Reuters]

Oh dear, Harvey Weinstein will be really insufferable now. Last night at the Golden Globes, Miramax won best director for Gangs of New York, best drama for The Hours, and three awards for Chicago. Cue a chorus for the great leader that wouldn't have been out of place at a Ba'athist party conference.