Compared to its Tina Fey-scripted, Debbie Matenopolous-spoofing skits of yore, Saturday Night Live's parody of The View this week felt awfully underpopulated. On today's actual episode of the daytime chat show, the ladies speculated as to why SNL left out two-fifths of the show's hosts, leading Sherri Shepherd to conclude, "I think they ran out of blacks!"Of course, Shepherd's theory is only bolstered by the fact that SNL can't cover Michelle Obama unless Maya Rudolph's got a free weekend, but later in the show, head writer Seth Meyers came out to do some damage control. "Next time we do it...Sherri, you can come and play yourself," he offered. Is there no end to SNL's 30 Rock poaching? Somewhere, we imagine that an exhausted Tina Fey just muttered "Blergh" and collapsed into her Sabor de Soledad.

♦ A "crazed" Madonna fan stormed the set of Guy Ritchie's new movie this weekend and threatened to kill him with a 12-inch knife before the 16-year-old was arrested. [Mirror, Daily Star]
♦ Is Ashley Olsen planning to marry boyfriend Justin Bartha in a secret wedding on the French Riviera? That's what the National Enquirer claims! Also: She supposedly wants Karl Lagerfeld to design her dress. [Daily Express]
♦ Joaquin Phoenix was acting "odd" and wobbly at an event in San Francisco last week, and now his friends are worried he's back to drinking and doing drugs. [P6]
♦ Beth Ostrosky and Ryan Reynolds both finished the NYC Marathon yesterday, along with about 35,000 other people. [NYDN]

We told you to steel yourselves, and now here it is: following Whoopi Goldberg's sartorial lead, the other co-hosts of The View dressed up as men today for Halloween. Presidents, in fact! They even introduced themselves in character, which was a little bit awkward when Barbara Walters-as-George Washington babbled on about freeing her slaves in a manner so leading that she practically demanded Goldberg and Sherri Shepherd fall at her feet in exultant praise. Then, it was Elisabeth Hasselbeck's turn.Dressed up as Ronald Reagan, she offered a hearty, beyond-the-grave endorsement of John McCain (O RLY?) before Grandma Barbara led her into the weeds with a tortured Sarah Palin analogy and an appreciative Werther's Original. Then, as Hasselbeck is wont to do, she gave Joy Behar (as Teddy Roosevelt) a Cold War-worthy slam. Happy Halloween, ladies: who knew we could be frightened so early in the day?

The Horror! Here is what you have to look forward to tomorrow, America: The View has pretaped its Halloween episode, in which the ladies are dressed, ridiculously, as presidents. From left to right, we have Whoopi Goldberg as the wheelchair-bound Franklin D. Roosevelt, Joy Behar as Teddy Roosevelt, Sherri Shepherd as Abraham Lincoln on the penny, Elisabeth Hasselbeck as a drag king version of Ronald Reagan, and Barbara Walters as George Washington (with whom she once had a fabulous conversation as they snacked on crudités at a Dominick Dunne-hosted dinner party). Click through for full-size. [The View]

The internecine drama between Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar receives the lion's share of our attention at Defamer, but as we watched today's show we thought to ourselves, what of the silent war that Hasselbeck's stylists are clearly waging on her? We're generous enough to admit that the conservative co-host usually looks on-point (in a chilly, blond, Fox News kind of a way), but on today's show, her hair was fashioned into a prim "Texas polygamist bride" coiffure that was only outdone by the latest in what has become a Hasselbeck trademark: the pirate shirt.

Our breathless coverage of the backstage bitchfights befalling The View in these tense days leading up to the election have elicited what will surely go down as the Golden Age of View-Issued Denials. From Whoopi on Regis and GMA, to a very special "We All Love Each Other!" Hot Topic, to a show rep chuckling off our McCain T-shirt ban story, to Sherri Shepherd telling CNN the tales are as flat-out wrong as the Earth itself is flat, never before have the ladies doth protested so much. And yet, further reports of animus come. The Chicago Sun-Times ran a story yesterday claiming that things had "gotten so ugly, they only speak on air or when a camera is anywhere in their vicinity." Accurate? Yes, says a Defamer source who's managed to penetrate their inner kaffeeklatsch sanctum:

♦ Amy Poehler and husband Will Arnett became parents for the first time on Saturday when Amy gave birth to a son, Archie. [Us]
♦ Madonna is in "meltdown mode," and asked her assistant to gather all the items she received from Guy Ritchie so she can "bury them." Guy, meanwhile, has reportedly said the couple's marriage began to disintegrate when she started planning their sex life around her workout schedule. [MSNBC, Daily Mail]
♦ Jennifer Hudson is offering a $100,000 reward for the return of her nephew, who went missing on Friday when her mother and brother were fatally shot. [People, Access Hollywood]
♦ Lindsay Lohan doesn't want people thinking she's a lesbian just because she's dating a girl. [NYDN]

There's a blissful, View-free weekend coming up (well, except for Floridians), but until then, we leave you with this clip of an undaunted Elisabeth Hasselbeck locking horns with Whoopi Goldberg on today's show. The conservative co-host challenged Goldberg about the folly of negotiating with terrorists (a position we're sure she came to after the unilateral talks between her and Joy Behar collapsed spectacularly backstage). Instead, Hasselbeck embraced a brand of conflict resolution no doubt passed on by benevolent dictator Barbara Walters: no negotiations (or hugs), just a simple cold shoulder, a passive-aggressive remark, and a threatening, late-night phone call from someone who sounds a whole lot like Henry Kissinger.

We figured the growing on-air hostility between Republican whistle-siren Elisabeth Hasselbeck and the more moderate panelists on The View would eventually erupt into something appropriately spectacular—and it did, with multiple accounts sent to us of a Joy Behar/Elisabeth Hasselbeck backstage Catfight of the Century. Word of the smackdown, full of detonated F-bombs and wishes of co-host conflagration, quickly made the media rounds, such as the clip above from last night's ExtraIn it, quadruple threat host Mario Lopez—he acts, dances, crunches, and reads showbiz news copy!—capably sums up not just our report, but The View's ensuing damage control campaign. Not only did Whoopi hit the Regis high-chair, but she also reassured GMA's Diane Sawyer that no one's life is in immediate danger—in fact, they all love each other! Yes, yes, we're sure that's all true, ladies, but can we suggest bringing back that effective split-screen technique that hastened Rosie O'Donnell's departure? You're really losing half the fun if the camera misses Joy silently mouthing, "IwillburnyoudownIwillburnyoudown" while Elisabeth defends her theories that a 19-year-old Barack Obama was the one who gave John Hinckley, Jr. his Reagan-shooting marching orders. [Extra] Previously:

When Elisabeth Hasselbeck wore a John McCain-boosting T-shirt on Tuesday's installment of The View, little did she know it would set off a 24-hour, Defamer-consuming chain reaction that would lead to booing, a now-notorious backstage conflict, and a through-the-looking-glass emergence of this humble blogspot as one of the show's Hot Topics (also, it introduced us to Sheetzucacapoopoo — thanks, Elisabeth!). Now, as Hasselbeck prepares to introduce vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin at two Florida rallies this weekend, one of our agents at The View informs us that the problematic T-shirt was the subject of a contentious ABC conference call today:

After Regis confronted Whoopi Goldberg today about the inter-host fighting on The View, we had a feeling that our exclusive report about backstage tensions between Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck might be addressed on today's installment, and that both Behar and Hasselbeck would summarily dismiss the conflict as a load of Sheetzucacapoopoo. What we didn't expect was the weird, elusive way the hosts attempted to talk around the issue.Sure, Hasselbeck denied the story, but Goldberg then assured folks that the View co-hosts would never have personal fights in front of the audience, neatly skipping the fact that the blowup in question was said to happen backstage. Also less than forthcoming? A major Behar/Hasselbeck reconciliation. The closest the two came was when Behar tactfully said, "If she doesn't say the crazy things she says, how can I say the crazy things I say?" Then, after deriding the gossip about their feuding, Goldberg launched into gossip about other celebrities feuding. Nice segue, Sister Act!

To your left, witness Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar in happier times at the 2006 launch party for Behar's book, which was for some reason entitled Sheetzucacapoopoo: My Kind of Dog. Sadly, peaceful scenes like that may be few and far between now, thanks to constant on-screen warring and, most especially, backstage battle royales. Yesterday, we brought you word from a Defamer operative about a behind-the-scenes fight between Behar and Hasselbeck that went down after cameras for The View stopped rolling. Now, another tipster has written in to corroborate the account, as well as add new details:

You can take the Whoopi out of the girlfight at The View, but you can't necessarily take the girlfight out of Whoopi. That seems to be the lesson learned this morning on Live with Regis and Kelly, where Ms. Goldberg — who was out sick for Wednesday's particularly violent drama — played dumb, then defensive, then philosophical about the onscreen battles (not to mention the fantastic backstage bloodbaths) plaguing her show's panel. "What is the problem with those women?" asks Regis, his furrowed brow projecting the sincere concern of a man who knows a thing or two about handling high-strung co-hosts. If there is peace to be found in this literal no-man's-land, surely Reeg will mediate it — assuming, that is, no one burns Elisabeth Hasselbeck down before then. [Live with Regis and Kelly]

♦ Guy Ritchie supposedly cried after seeing son Rocco wearing a Yankees t-shirt this week. So sensitive! Or maybe not so much: Ritchie also reportedly described Madonna as "old, fat, ugly and wrinkled," and said she couldn't sing. [Us, NYDN]
♦ Not only did Lindsay Lohan's stint on Ugly Betty get cut short because she didn't get along with America Ferrera, LiLo clashed with everyone else on set, too. Also, she enjoys snipping out photos of herself from the tabloids. [P6]
♦ Jennifer Aniston's publicist is denying she's pregnant. [ET]
♦ Gossip Girl's Taylor Momsen spent four days in the hospital with a "potentially life-threatening throat-infection." But she was miraculously cured and released yesterday afternoon. [Us]

A lot of fighting happened in front of the cameras on today's heated installment of The View, but according to a tip we just received from a Defamer operative, it was nothing compared to what went on after the show was over. Our tipster says that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was upset that Joy Behar has been using The View to tout Behar's upcoming stand-up performance, and the conservative co-host demanded equal time in a confrontation that got ugly:

We must admit that when we turned on the television this morning and heard the words, "Today on The View: Bill O'Reilly," we knew it would take more than a loofah to scrub the ensuing political confrontations out of our brains. Still, despite the fact that O'Reilly straight-up called Barack Obama a Communist, the real fireworks came before his arrival, as Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck hashed things out sans the careful moderation of Whoopi Goldberg (who was sick at home today).After Elisabeth claimed that she entertained the thought of voting for Obama following his DNC speech, Joy demurred with a sarcastic "Oh, come on." The resulting "Call me a liar then, Joy!" instantly kicked things into the high-pitched crosstalk zone we know and love from The View, with Elisabeth eventually serving Joy with a mug full of "Barack Obama Kool-Aid" (producing a vocal audience revolt against Elisabeth for the second day in a row). There may be less than two weeks until the election, but how long until Elisabeth finally uses that mug she keeps brandishing on the audience?

Sure, we can usually count on Elisabeth Hasselbeck to make fashion statements that are almost as loud as her constant shouts of "But what about William Ayers...!" Still, even we were impressed by her chutzpah when she showed up to today's edition of The View wearing a salmon-colored t-shirt emblazoned with the words "Great AmeriMcCain Hero." The audience, however, was in a less forgiving mood toward the conservative co-host today.During a discussion about Barack Obama's Titanic-beating money haul, Joy Behar asked Hasselbeck if she thought John McCain would have abstained from the public financing system if he could have made similar money. Her indignant response, "John McCain is a man of his word and a man of honor," drew laughs, groans, and only a smattering of applause. Perhaps chastened by the reaction (as well as a later interruption from Whoopi Goldberg), Hasselbeck announced she was simply going to imagine the rest of her thoughts and not even bother talking. We're imagining that her imagination has something to do with a keffiyeh-clad Obama and four bloody, feminine scalps.

The inter-host squabbling has become so heated on The View that there's little a celebrity guest can do to keep up (short of revealing dramatic, semi-incestuous childhood memories), so it's no surprise that producers have been scheduling more and more all-"Hot Topic" editions, as they did this morning. Also no surprise? Things got absolutely bananas today, as Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar reached heretofore-unglimpsed levels of annoyance with Elisabeth Hasselbeck while arguing about a weekend full of juicy political news.

Republican hearts raced this morning as conservative pin-up girl Elisabeth Hasselbeck told the audience of The View that she'd be showing off what she wears to bed every night. Would it be an oversized McCain/Palin '08 tee? A frilly nightgown from the Fox News gift shop? Or maybe even a fetching blue two-piece?None of the above! Instead, Hasselbeck settles in for a nice late-night viewing of On the Record with Greta Van Susteren wearing a clashing mix of baggy, patterned separates. Now, sadly, she must burn them, as her husband's recent laser eye surgery has rendered him suddenly aware of Elisabeth's retina-scorching ensemble. Worse than his reaction, though, is the disapproval from a scandalized Barbara Walters, who drops a few hints about what naughty things she might wear to bed. Barbara, that Victoria's Secret chantilly lace slip was meant for Ellen's eyes only!

Lone View conservative Elisabeth Hasselbeck is typically out on a limb when her cohosts start talking politics; to expect someone else at the table to take up her pro-Palin, anti-Obama mantle is as fruitless as expecting a hug from Barbara Walters. That's what made it all the more novel today when Whoopi Goldberg agreed with Hasselbeck that Sarah Palin has been the victim of sexist attacks, then attempted to shut down additional critiques of the candidate from Joy Behar.Sure, Goldberg is The View's moderator and thus tasked with keeping the peace, but can Hasselbeck expect this unlikely ally to come to her defense in the future? At least Behar will still have some company — take a second look at her slams on Palin, and it's clear that she's picked up finger-wagging techniques from Sherri Shepherd.