State Senator Hiram Monserrate, who allegedly slashed his girlfriend with a glass when he found either drugs or another man's business card in her purse (then he tried to take her to a hospital outside city limits), would like his charges dismissed, please.

Recognize these spotlight-loving criminal defense attorneys? Their identities (and some of their more notable clients) after the jump.

♦ Amy Poehler and husband Will Arnett became parents for the first time on Saturday when Amy gave birth to a son, Archie. [Us]
♦ Madonna is in "meltdown mode," and asked her assistant to gather all the items she received from Guy Ritchie so she can "bury them." Guy, meanwhile, has reportedly said the couple's marriage began to disintegrate when she started planning their sex life around her workout schedule. [MSNBC, Daily Mail]
♦ Jennifer Hudson is offering a $100,000 reward for the return of her nephew, who went missing on Friday when her mother and brother were fatally shot. [People, Access Hollywood]
♦ Lindsay Lohan doesn't want people thinking she's a lesbian just because she's dating a girl. [NYDN]

• Reps for Madonna and Alex Rodriguez claim the two are "just friends." They just happen to be the kind of friends who have secret rendezvouses at their apartments until midnight. The day after having a baby. [NYP]

Joseph Tacopina

"There are only two kinds of cases I won't take. I won't take a pedophile I believe to be guilty and I won't take a terrorist."