Prince of England Prince William and Princess of Snails Taylor Swift joined Jon Bon Jovi on stage for a quick sing-along at a charity gala Tuesday night and, if you expected the resulting performance of "Livin' on a Prayer" to be the most awkward thing that has ever transpired between three humans, what occurred was even more awkward than what you were expecting, as several different artistic styles battling for dominance.

Jon Bon Jovi's 19-year-old daughter Stephanie Rose Bongiovi (interesting) had a very bad Wednesday morning. TMZ reports that she kicked things off with an alleged heroin overdose, followed by, in a stunning coincidence, an arrest for drug possession.

All of us working stiffs who have to report to the office on this slowest week of the year hate those people who are on vacation this week, right? And who could we hate more than celebrities, who are on vacation every damn day of the year? Well, here they are rubbing our noses in their beach vacations and lives of luxury. What assholes. Let's make fun of them, shall we?

President Obama Jon Bon Jovi to the White House Council for Community Solutions. What will Jon do? Just shake his mane and talk about how great charity work is. Still, it's good to be wanted—dead or alive.

There is something uniquely awkward about juxtaposing soft, naked bodies with big, brittle '80s hair. How did '80s people get it on without giggling? Never has this incongruity been more apparent than in newly-released photos of staged Bon Jovi orgies.

Jon Bon Jovi gets in a fame fight with Bono. Lindsay Lohan "made some friends" in jail. Paris Hilton humiliates her ex-boyfriend. Pooping pigeons ruin a Kings of Leon show. Monday gossip takes sides.

Tila Tequila is too crazy for Gary Busey's safe haven. Michael Jackson hired mad scientists to teach pet chimp Bubbles to speak. Lindsay Lohan dodges "snake charmer" lawyer. Monday gossip is full of peril.

John Travolta arriving at the Palm steakhouse in Midtown yesterday only to find it closed ... Courtney Love heading into the Mercer Hotel in SoHo ... Alessandra Ambrosio walking with husband Jamie Mazur in the West Village ... Jon Bon Jovi shopping with wife Dorothea in SoHo ... Kelly Preston leaving the Plaza Hotel with her daughter and a friend ... Sarah Jessica Parker walking with son James in the Village ... Bruce Jenner making his way through JFK dressed in his finest track suit ... Chace Crawford on the set of Gossip Girl ... and Josh Hartnett hailing a cab on Hudson Street.

• It's still unclear what caused Brittany Murphy's death in Los Angeles yesterday morning. While the coroner has indicated the 32-year-old actress appears to have died from "natural causes," it's been reported that lots of prescription drug bottles were uncovered by cops at the scene, and some friends say they'd grown increasingly concerned that she was abusing painkillers. An autopsy is planned for today or tomorrow, but an official cause of death may take a couple of weeks, pending the results of toxicology tests. [NYP, TMZ, People, Sun]
• Murphy's death has put the spotlight on her husband, sketchy 39-year-old screenwriter Simon Monjack, who married Murphy in 2007. [NYDN]
• Tiger Woods set sail on his 155-foot yacht Privacy on Saturday accompanied by a bunch of friends. Where he's going is anybody's guess, although considering the boat has a range of 4,000 miles, it could be anywhere. As for his estranged wife, Elin Nordegren, now that she's retained a divorce lawyer, she's reportedly gearing up to ask for full custody of their two kids and half of his fortune, which has been estimated at $600 million. [NYP, People]

Jon Bon Jovi has a fancy new title to add to his illustrious resume. And NBC has an "artist-in-residence," along with a bottomless pit of crappy programming. Just when you begin to worry that Jeff Zucker's creative mojo has started to wane, the NBC chief amazes the world once again:

• Robert Pattinson has been in NYC shooting his new movie, Remember Me, but he's been so overwhelmed by the out-of-control teenage fans who track his every move, he'd really like to return home to the U.K. [NYDN]
• Chris Brown's run-in with Rihanna isn't putting a damper on his social life: He was spotted "locking lips" with Amber Rose, Kanye West's ex, at Diddy's annual White Party this past weekend. Rose's career is picking up too: She's been signed by Ford Models. [NYDN, P6]
• Courtney Love supposedly trashed her room at the Inn on Irving Place when she stayed there a couple of weeks ago, leaving behind dirty needles, used feminine hygiene products, and a flooded floor. [P6]
• Today in Michael Jackson-related news: His memorial is scheduled for tomorrow and a gazillion fans are expected to show up; a battle over his will appears to be brewing; and Debbie Rowe flipped out when the paparazzi caught up with her outside a Chinese restaurant yesterday. [CBS, ABC, TMZ, TMZ]
• You may be hearing more from Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin's baby daddy. He's shopping a book and is in talks to appear in a "docudrama." [NYM]
• Jon Bon Jovi serenaded diners at the Blue Parrot, the Mexican spot in East Hampton that he co-owns. [P6, HuffPo]

Everybody already knows that the Hamptons is the universe's vortex of suck, but here's another reason why: Restaurant/club owners who, as a method of crowd control, roll up the awning sheltering the crowd outside waiting for tables during a downpour.

Ron Perelman already has a hand in the restaurant business: He's an investor in Graydon Carter's Monkey Bar and he also happens to own the building that houses Carter's Waverly Inn. But he has a new venture in the works! He's reopening the Blue Parrot, the margarita bar/restaurant in East Hampton that's been closed since 2006. Ralph Lauren had originally planned to take over the space; when his plans fell through, Perelman swooped in. And he's assembled quite the team to give the venue another lease on life.

Chris Martin, the husband of Gwyneth Paltrow and lead singer of Coldplay, turns 32 today. Author Tom Wolfe is 79. Lou Reed is turning 67. Restaurateur Jeffrey Chodorow is turning 59. Jon Bon Jovi is 47. Daniel Craig is 41. Hockey player Henrik Lundqvist is 27. Writer John Irving turns 67. Mikhail Gorbachev is 78. Elizabeth Jagger, daughter of Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall, turns 25. Film producer/exec Peter Guber is 67. Cosmetic dentist to the stars Marc Lowenberg is 63. And Reggie Bush, the football player and boyfriend of Kim Kardashian, turns 24 today.

• Times publisher Arthur Sulzberger Jr. has a girlfriend. Except it's not Caroline Kennedy as some have suggested. Sulzberger, who separated from his wife in March, is dating a "vivacious" lady named Helen Ward, who he met in Peru a year ago and who is separated from her husband, too. [P6]
• Jeremy Piven brought his cocktail waitress girlfriend to the SAG Awards on Sunday night, but the poor thing didn't even get to sit with him during the ceremony. [NYDN]
• Michael Lohan is asking fans of his daughter to help him free Lindsay of Samantha Ronson's "bondage." [NYDN]

• More trouble for the Ciprianis: The family's Rainbow Room lease has been terminated by Tishman Speyer for failing to pay millions in back rent. [NYT]
• The latest recessionary byproduct: restaurants are getting robbed. [Eater]
• Noah Tepperberg has won approval to open a new lounge in Chelsea. [NYP]
• Adam Platt gives John Dory two stars in this week's New York, subtracting points for a "slightly uneven" menu and "overamped" atmosphere. [NYM]
• Ron Perelman, Jon Bon Jovi and Larry Gagosian purchased the lease for the Blue Parrot in East Hampton and now plan to re-open it in May. [Page Six]
• Tom Colicchio and Craft executive chef Damon Wise are launching a new Friday night menu consisting of dishes and drinks under $10. [GS]
• Want to sample some deadly blowfish? You're in luck! [GS]

• Us Weekly issued a formal retraction saying Guy Ritchie is not sleeping with actress Kelly Reilly. Was apologizing to Reilly "for any potential embarrassment" the gossip may have a caused a big passive-aggressive dig at Ritchie? Just asking! [Us]

Naomi Watts riding on the back of a Vespa with Liev Schreiber ... Angelina Jolie inside the Today show studio ... Jon Bon Jovi and his wife Dorothea walking in SoHo ... Katie Holmes leaving her apartment building on East 13th ... Sarah Silverman outside her hotel ... Sandra Bullock leaving a pet store with her puppy ... Sarah Jessica Parker leaving a deli in the West Village ... Uma Thurman getting ice cream with her son Levon ... and Michelle Williams and Spike Jonze munching on popcorn before a screening of his new film at the Loews 19th Street theater.

♦ Not only did Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony renew their vows at 3:15 a.m. in Las Vegas on Sunday, they did it in a joint ceremony with Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran and his wife Jessica. [E!, People]
♦ Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson tell friends they're planning on dressing up as Todd and Sarah Palin for Halloween. [NYDN]
♦ Jay-Z couldn't get any London clubs to pay his $50,000 appearance fee this weekend. [This London Blog via E!]
♦ Is Suri Cruise lonely and sad because has no friends her own age? [P6]

Sienna Miller walking through SoHo with a cigarette in her mouth ... Kelly Ripa running on a treadmill for a segment on Regis & Kelly ... Sofia Coppola pushing her daughter in a stroller ... Joey Fatone and a friend walking back to their hotel ... Kate Winslet giving her son a piggyback ride ... Jon Bon Jovi and his wife on a street corner in SoHo ... Matthew Broderick riding a scooter with his son ... Katie Holmes walking to a waiting car ... Kirsten Dunst posing for photos with fans at Yankee Stadium ... Sandra Bernhard hailing a cab ... Parker Posey sipping iced coffee and walking her dog ... Dylan Lauren and Mickey Boardman posing with a giant Swedish Fish at a party at Dylan's Candy Bar ... and John Mayer making his way into Butter.