Tila Tequila is too crazy for Gary Busey's safe haven. Michael Jackson hired mad scientists to teach pet chimp Bubbles to speak. Lindsay Lohan dodges "snake charmer" lawyer. Monday gossip is full of peril.

  • Celebrity Rehab has dumped fameball extraordinaire and "disgusting little girl" Tila Tequila, who was supposed to be the highest-profile cast member of the upcoming season. However, after Tila blamed long-time alter ego "Jane" for cutting and burning her arms, Dr. Drew apparently realized that being the person responsible for Tila Tequila's well-being is just too risky. (Last time we saw Jane, the "SASA FIERCE" of Tila's Dissociative Identity Disorder she put a gun in Tila's mouth on livestreaming web TV.) Tila Tequila: Defying public horror and Dr. Drew's slipshod ratings-to-risk pay-off ratios every day. Also: Forcing us to invent the word "unrehabilitatable." Rehabilitatable is a word, but the un- version is new. Prior to Tila Tequila, nobody knew it was possible. [Radar, image via Bauer-Griffin]
  • Michael Jackson wanted his pet chimp Bubbles to talk, and frittered away thousands of dollars on mad scientists and throat specialists, to see if they could implant vocal chords and teach his beloved ape to speak, in the manner of nightmare movies like Planet of the Apes. This is so creepy, I'm inclined to believe it. [NOTW]
  • Why did Lindsay Lohan get cold feet about hiring supertan lawyer nutjob Stuart Goldberg? Because he's a supertan lawyer nutjob, apparently: Though Goldberg's camp says LiLo couldn't afford his services, LiLo's people are apparently leaking to the press that it was Goldberg's "Snake Charmer" vanity license plate that turned her off. How does this man not have a reality TV show on the TruCrime network, yet? Anyway, LiLo's apparently considering O.J. Simpson lawyer Robert Shapiro. Lindsay's old lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley (who has been impounded and forced to represent Lindsay until she can hire a new lawyer) also represented O.J., which is either a meaningful commonality, or evidence that O.J. has employed every single high-end lawyer in all of Los Angeles at one point or another. [TMZ]
  • A concertgoer screamed at Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine, "I love you! Take off your shirt!" The rumored former lover of Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan responded, "Take off your shirt. Let's all just get naked." Page Six helpfully accompanies this story with Adam looking like a creepy perv. [P6]
  • Jon Bon Jovi tore a calf muscle on stage. Limping, he rocked on. Here's video of it. [People]

  • Details from Mel Gibson's baby-related legal contract with baby mama Oksana Grigorieva (you know, the lady he said looked like a "fucking pig/bitch in heat"?) are emerging: She signed away her rights to most everything in Mad Mel's treasure chest of infinite wealth. Of course. [Radar]
  • Kelsey Grammer and Camille Donatacci-Grammer (Do you think she'll go back to her maiden name once the divorce goes through?) were already estranged during the Tony's, but Kelsey apparently forced Camille fly out to New York, stay in a hotel, and pretend all was well for the award show red carpet. "Forcing" a future reality star (of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the rumored reality show that is perpetually "in the works") to walk a red carpet sounds pretty easy. [P6]
  • Something has gone terribly wrong with New York's social pecking order: Celebrities keep turning up at members only club and hormonal i-banker barnyard the Soho House. Cristiano Ronaldo swam in their pool last week, and then Kelis showed up with her baby son and "a large entourage," and was refused entry. After some hullabaloo she eventually got in, and swam in the pool, too. [P6]
  • Star Jones (who had heart surgery in March) went out dancing and "it was like she was auditioning for Dancing with the Stars." Reality is just one long audition for reality TV. [P6]
  • The televised menace of Tinsley Mortimer vehicle High Society is over. Page Six claims Tinsley's family was "horrified" to be portrayed in a negative light (Did they not know what "reality television" was when they signed on?) so, despite rumors about producers booking a cast of fameball all-stars for season two (Courtenay Semel, Brittny Gastineau, and Lady Victoria Hervey in the house!) the whole shebang is getting canned. Surely the CW will replace it with a thoughtful documentary series about the plight of the working poor, or some other humanitarian issue. [P6]