Jada Pinkett Smith says she and Will like to bang in other people's homes, Victoria Beckham has her third boob job, Nicole Ritchie breaks up Lohan and Ronson, Owen Wilson still loves Kate Hudson, and Judd Apatow sucks in bed.

Natalie Portman turns 28 today. Johnny Depp turns 46. Michael J. Fox is 48. Embattled restaurateur Giuseppe Cipriani is 44. Writer/producer Aaron Sorkin (A Few Good Men, The West Wing) turns 48. Comedian Jackie Mason is 73. Crime writer Patricia Cornwell is turning 53. Former Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara turns 93. Screenwriter/director David Koepp (Jurassic Park, Mission Impossible) is turning 46. Guitar legend Les Paul is 94. And longtime basketball broadcaster Dick Vitale is celebrating his 70th today.

Just kidding. Today we have more news from the TV upfronts, plus movie word from sunny, splashy, ridiculous Cannes.

[Johnny Depp drives a teeny tiny car while filming "The Rum Diary" in Puerto Rico; image via Splash]

The return of Sex and the City, the not-return of Matthew Perry. Strange movies and people win strange festival awards, and Slovenia finally gets some sunshine.

Megan Fox and her fiance, David from 90210, have broken up. Sad news—especially since Fox has her now-ex's name permanently tattooed on her body. Which other celebrities have made the same mistake?

Well, hold on to your what-whats, because according to this "What's New with Samwell?" YouTube interview, What What (In the Butt): The Movie could soon fill the urban-comedy hole left in cineplexes between Madea adventures. (Indeed, we think Tyler Perry's What What (in the Butt) makes a far more logical casting scenario than the interviewer's suggestion of Leo DiCaprio.) Of course, lifelong "Butt" fan Johnny Depp—who, as Samwell tells it, loves the song so much co-star Marion Cotillard lured the artist to the set for a command performance—could probably spin the material into further career gold, with Tim Burton's help turning the reluctant bottom into another classic fairytale outsider. Like Edward Scissorhand, except with stuff going up his butt. [YouTube]

After the controversy that ended production on Public Enemies beneath a pall of suspicion and busted craft-services morale, we are relived to hear today that Michael Mann's gangster epic survived — and maybe even flourished.

The Farrelly brothers' adaptation of The Three Stooges has been hit with about as many casting rumors as the upcoming, unwritten Batman sequel. Now, though, there may be proof that Sean Penn is suiting up.

• Giuseppe Cipriani hasn't been seen in New York for months, but he says that has nothing to do with the handful of investigations now underway, or because he's banned from the US. He's just "busy" and says he'll return to New York "soon." His son Ignazio has been busy, too. The 20-year-old has been charged with third-degree assault for beating up a limo driver outside 1OAK back in December. [NYP, R&M]
• The latest man to fall into Paris Hilton's clutches: She was was spotted at Sundance making out with MySpace CEO Chris DeWolfe. [P6, NYDN]
• Prince William's girlfriend, Kate Middleton, may be planning to move to New York to take a job in fashion, thanks to advice she received from Tom Ford and Anna Wintour. [Daily Express]
• Maureen Dowd threw a big party on Sunday eve to honor of David Geffen. In attendance: Tom Hanks, Jeff Zucker, David Katzenberg, Ron Howard, and George Stephanopoulos, who knocked over a tray of martinis and left the party red-faced. [P6]

• Is Jennifer Lopez getting ready to say goodbye to Marc Anthony? She neglected to wear her wedding ring to a premiere last week, which obviously means her marriage is now "at a breaking point." [Us, The Sun]
• Jeremy Piven is heading home. Just two months after arriving on Broadway (and after showing up late to performances and skipping matinees), he says he now plans to return to LA because he's suffering from some sort of "mysterious mercury ailment." [NYP]
• Good news for anyone going to the inauguration: Alec Baldwin says he plans to stay home and watch it on TV. [MSNBC]

· Johnny Depp has bought the film rights to novel In the Hand of Dante, in which he'll play a Dante expert charged with authenticating what might be the original Divine Comedy manuscript. Hopefully along the way he breaks a couple of codes and finds out the Virgin Mary was the town slut or something—otherwise, SNOOZERS. [Variety]
· SAG was struck a mighty blow from within their own ranks when its former VP Mike Farrell lambasted current leadership for its negotiation tactics. Go Klinger! It's about time someone took a man in a dress seriously. What's that? He didn't play Klinger? Never mind. [Variety]
· The End of Ideas: Hey, Does Anyone Remember Captain Blood with Errol Flynn? No? Great—Let's Remake It! Edition. [Variety]

Small Wonder: Though this picture appears to show Johnny's Deppy's Willy Wonka after an intense meth bender (and affixed with a Top Model weave), it's actually a photo of Depp as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton's upcoming Alice in Wonderland. Since the actor's role is rumored to be entirely motion-captured, we're assuming the look is just a test shot. No word yet on whether the mushrooms consumed by Depp's makeup artist made her grow bigger, get smaller, or simply made her totally fucking high. Click through for full-size. [ICYDK]

Click to viewBoomp3.com At the premiere for Pride & Glory, star Lake Bell was momentarily star struck when she thought she saw mega movie star Johnny Depp. Bell cautiously approached the quirky Depp only discover it was her Pride & Glory co-star Colin Farrell. Bell tried to play it cool and explained that her co-star looked Johnny Depp from way far away. Farrell explained that she wasn’t the first person to get the two mixed up. Farrell added, “These things happen when you steal some body’s else mystique.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Mega delicious movie star Johnny Depp was pushed to the limits on the streets of Hollywood by a group of photographers. Depp warned that he could go solar if the snappers don’t cool off, but they persisted. The eccentric actor looked up to the sun to gain power and unleashed an orangey glow that ruined many digital cameras. The snappers ran away with their tails between their legs and Depp continued on with his travels. [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

♦ Not only did Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony renew their vows at 3:15 a.m. in Las Vegas on Sunday, they did it in a joint ceremony with Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran and his wife Jessica. [E!, People]
♦ Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson tell friends they're planning on dressing up as Todd and Sarah Palin for Halloween. [NYDN]
♦ Jay-Z couldn't get any London clubs to pay his $50,000 appearance fee this weekend. [This London Blog via E!]
♦ Is Suri Cruise lonely and sad because has no friends her own age? [P6]

Cosmopolitan (I'm assuming the British version because Gordon fucking Ramsey made the list too) says that 21 Jump Street star Johnny Depp—who's also in movies—is the hottest male on earth. Usual suspect George Clooney is runner up. And (what?!) Jake Gyllenhaal comes in third place. Gyllenhaal? Like, from Bubble Boy? The rest of the list after the jump. Spoiler alert: Manshark Michael Phelps didn't make the cut. 1 Johnny Depp, 45 2 George Clooney, 47 3 Jake Gyllenhaal, 27 4 Daniel Craig, 40 5 Brad Pitt, 44 6 James McAvoy, 29 7 JustinTimberlake, 27 8 Will Smith, 40 9 David Beckham, 33 10 Wentworth Miller, 36 11 Christian Bale, 34 12 Jonathan Rhys Meyers, 31 13 Take That: Gary Barlow, 37, Mark Owen, 36, Howard Donald, 40 and Jason Orange, 38 14 Ashton Kutcher, 30 15 Dermot O''Leary, 35 16 David Tennant, 37 17 Patrick Dempsey, 42 18 Clive Owen, 44 19 Pierce Brosnan, 55 20 Mark Ronson, 33 21 Gordon Ramsay, 41 22 Russell Brand, 33 23 Pharrell Williams, 35 24 Ryan Reynolds, 31 25 Olivier Martinez, 42 (ANI) [TopNews via OhNoTheyDidn't]

In Johnny Depp, Disney found an unlikely Mickey messiah. His once-dicey-seeming turn as a scenery-chewing eyeliner junkie was a risk worth taking, it turned out, and it wasn't long before Pirates of the Caribbean's staggering grosses had execs' eyeballs rolling back into their heads, replaced by spinning gold bullion. Resisting the urge to stuff their single biggest revenue generator into a chest and throw away the key until Depp had completed filming on Pirates 4 through 18, the company instead lay out a buffet of properties and encouraged the actor to help himself—and he did, committing to parts like the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland; The Lone Ranger's sidekick Tonto; and, in his biggest stretch to date, the titular transportation device of Jerry Bruckheimer's thrilling Monorail: The Motion Picture. Still, we haven't yet seen the last of Captain Jack Sparrow, a role Depp is reportedly revisiting for a $56 million paycheck. From the Daily Mail:

No one's asking Johnny Depp to pursue a boring, traditional Hollywood acting career, but this is just getting ridiculous. The Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas star has been cast in three new movies, all of which are silly, "quirky" character parts that will further obscure the man's innate talent behind a curious mask of ticks and inflections, jaunty gaits and syncopated eye blinks. He'll once again Keith Richards it up in another, the fourth, Pirates of the Caribbean movie (to be titled Pirates of the Caribbean: We're All Pulling For This Orlando Bloom Kid, For Some Inexplicable Reason) and then he'll go on to play the Mad Hatter in an Alice In Wonderland movie and Tonto in the Lone Ranger film. He's also been cast as the wicked, brooding, vampiric Barnabas Collins in a movie version of the 1960's Gothic horror campfest TV show Dark Shadows. He's got one film slated, Shantaram, in which he'll actually play, y'know, a real person, but director Mira Nair has had years of trouble trying to get the India-set behemoth off the ground. In the meantime he'll continue disappearing further and further down the proverbial rabbit hole, increasingly becoming the Al Pacino or Robert DeNiro of faux-outre mainstream cinema. They play cops and crooks, he plays fops and kooks. We know this is sacrilege to some, but anyone who thought that Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Depp's Willy Wonka were "warped" or "twisted" or "subversive" should take off their Vans and put on some grownup shoes. Pirates was fun for a while, but the third one played like a drunken Wagner dream ballet and Depp just seemed so tired. He must be! We'd love to see him put on a pair of normal pants and say interesting lines to other adults saying lines about adult things. Just once? Please? Because he's so talented. And this just seems like a silly waste.

With infidel Mickey Mouse still in hiding after last week's death-sentence fatwa, Disney appears to be rolling the dice on a bold rebranding of sorts. Behold — Disney Depp (née Johnny), whose anchoring of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise yielded yesterday's news of not only Pirates 4, but also the star's attachment as Tim Burton's Mad Hatter in a live-action Alice in Wonderland and as Tonto in a revival of The Lone Ranger. The announcement was made Wednesday in Disney's marathon State of the Mouse Biennial, putting its jittery investors at ease, its fans in an uproar and the press into some kind of overwhelmed coma. Johhny Depp? As Tonto? In Josh Groban's incredulous words, "Really?!"Yes, really: