Here comes the McCain campaign reboot! It soft-launched on Friday, with the candidate angrily rebuking the wackos who go to his rallies these days. Attached: Matt Drudge's front page. Drudge has been broadcasting live from a bizarro world these last few weeks. In this world, people still like Sarah Palin and McCain is ever-so-close in the national tracking polls. (Also everyone finds it funny that Obama said "pie" a bunch of times in a recent appearance. That is one of those links, to a YouTube of Barack Obama saying "pie" a bunch of times.) Now, simply because it is decreed, it must happen: it's comeback time! What does that entail? Let's take a sneak peek at this week's new McCain narrative. First, the Bill Kristol column! Kristol is always a great barometer for the mood of McCain's political team. And, according to Bill, McCain is going to fire that political team, maverick style!

Now that everything else has failed for him, John McCain is crawling back to David Letterman to appear on the Late Show this Thursday, after weaseling out of an earlier appearance under the lie that he was needed in Washington to work on the Wall Street bailout. McCain's people are, well, stupid. If he'd appeared when he was supposed to, Letterman would have treated him to a gentle ribbing while the candidate tried to get his talking points out. Now that McCain has lied to the famously testy talk show host—and now that there are tons of new gaffes and missteps that simply didn't exist when he was originally supposed to appear—what can he expect? Slaughter. Letterman isn't some lovable funnyman. He practically invented the contemporary asshole while Seinfeld and Larry David were first working out their club routines. And when a guest pisses him off, he can turn serious and downright mean. Just last week, he was discussing the possibility of having McCain back on the program when he said, ""In an attempt to save his campaign, they're talking about coming back. So we said, sure, we'd love you to come back ... but they're being squirrely. Politicians can be squirrely. ... I just don't know if we can trust him." Previously, Letterman remarked, "This just in…a backwoods hiker has found the wreckage of John McCain's campaign." So if McCain actually does show up on Thursday (though there's no reason to believe he will; Joe Six-Pack Americans watch Leno, his staff may conclude) it's not likely to be a slightly awkward goof-down like we've seen McCain engage in on The Daily Show after he'd given up his last few beliefs to win the GOP nomination. With any luck, Letterman will simply demand over and over again that McCain explain himself, show him evidence of the fact that he totally lied, and belittle his non-role in that bailout plan that didn't work anyway. Hopefully, McCain will lose it in the face of repeated questioning by some mere celebrity that he publicly snubbed, unable to believe that Letterman won't just drop it and make with the funny already. And, hopefully, next Friday's news channels and papers will be full of John McCain—bitter, rigid, elitist, crybaby. [Washington Post]

As we watched David Letterman tear into John McCain with renewed vigor during last night's Late Show monologue, we couldn't help but think that this might make the rumored negotiations for McCain's reappearance a little awkward. Turns out, scheduling stipulations between the two camps had already turned contentious, as Letterman revealed when he sat down at his desk. Still, McCain's loss is Letterman's gain, because the talk show host gleefully continued to demolish McCain using some of his slyest, most cutting language yet.At this point, should McCain cut his losses and abandon renegotiations with Letterman, knowing full well he's likely to be slammed to his face if he finally put in his guest appearance? Or does he have no choice but to stop the Late Night bleeding by any means necessary? Ladies and gentlemen, the McCain/Letterman War of '08 has officially resumed after collapsed talks. Stock up on your munitions now.

[Yay! It's an olde-timey Kreepie Kats Komic Strip! Today, Jim Behrle's Kartoon Kats konsole Senator McCain on his being a mean old prick]

Are we sick of Sarah Palin jokes yet? Yes—yes we do believe we are, yet not since Brokeback Mountain has a single cultural phenomenon offered comedy writers (and ankle-shackled galley bloggers) such a bounty of low-hanging fruit.And—much like the gay-cowboy motif into its third month of YouTube mashups—just when you think you've snorted out your last nose-chuckle at the congenial flautist's antics, along comes one more to tickle your funny places. We offer as evidence the recent (OK, fine, it ran a week ago, but we're having trouble staying up past 9 p.m. lately) appearance of Betty White on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, in which she affected the guise of a speech writer for superannuated candidate John McCain. The money shot, of course, is her succinct assessment of his running mate—"That is one crazy bitch!"—before segueing into a lip-smacking meditation on the Democratic challenger that almost makes us wonder if the former Golden Girl hasn't been lingering in the far corners of Craigslist lately.

The McCain campaign is stirring up something dark and vicious in the national psyche. The economic meltdown that's killing their campaign is also aiding it's rageful death rattle—people are scared, uneasy, and increasingly pissed off. McCain rallies sound this close to turning violent. (Pictured: McCain winces slightly after an audience member calls Obama "a terrorist.") "Responsible" Republicans are weirded out. Irresponsible ones think they can stir the folks up just enough to win this sucker and then we'll all go back to being polite. Fat fucking chance. Ta-Nehisi Coates reminds us of the anger of Jerry Falwell and "legitimate" right-wing attacks on activists like Dr. King:

After weeks of massive ratings and huge buzz derived from its Tina Fey-as-Sarah Palin guest appearances, Saturday Night Live extended its political satire into special Thursday episodes beginning last night. So how did the Not Ready for Primetime Players weather the transition to the only NBC timeslot not currently bought up by Barack Obama?Answer: Awkwardly! Without Tina Fey on board or even the much-rumored Sarah Palin-as-Fey meta explosion, SNL's attempt at a presidential debate skit underwhelmed almost as much as the actual debate. Even guest appearances by Bill Murray and Chris Parnell couldn't quite mask the fact that after weeks of mining rich, varied material, SNL returned to its "beat one single joke into the ground over nine minutes" roots. In this case, it was the premise that Tom Brokaw didn't allow the debaters enough time to make interesting points. Laughing yet? Then the entire sketch awaits you below!

Democrats laugh when John McCain calls himself a "maverick." But you know who is especially annoyed by the reference? People with the last name Maverick! Video after the jump.

♦ Michael Phelps is telling people he's single even though he's actually dating Miss California runner-up Nicole Johnson. [R&M]
♦ Peter Cook's interview with Barbara Walters airs on Friday, but Christie Brinkley's lawyers now say he violated a confidentiality agreement by speaking with the network. [OK!, ABC News]
♦ Hugh Hefner says his relationship with Holly Madison began to crumble six months ago when they found out his sperm count was too low to father any kids. Also, he's already auditioning new girlfriends. [E!]
♦ Anna Wintour's latest celebrity obsession? Gerard Butler. [P6]

So how the hell does John McCain pull this one out of the bag? Even the conservative commentators think the national economic crash has doomed him. Bill O'Reilly said Tuesday the Republican presidential nominee needed to do well at the debate or "say goodbye," and he didn't do well at all. Now comes Joe Scarborough on last night's Colbert Report saying "it's too late" for McCain because he can't win on tax cuts or a sexy VP or terrorist fearmongering or just general demagoguery when voters are scared of starving in the streets.

Though last night's presidential debate was mostly received as lackluster (and still couldn't outdraw the Palin/Biden vice presidential matchup), there was one bit that caught the eye of many pundits, and it's when John McCain dismissively referred to Barack Obama as "that one." Did McCain forget his opponent's name in a "senior moment," or was he letting his irritable temperament and condescension break through at an inopportune time? Whatever the reason may be, the newly energized Diddy took to his Diddy Blog to rewind the gaffe, and suffice it to say, the Bad Boy impresario is far from pleased. David Letterman, you may have a new foot soldier. [Diddy Blog]

John McCain, speaking today to a crowd of supporters: "Across this country, this is the agenda i have set before my fellow prisoners and the same standards of clarity and candor must now be applied to my opponent." It's, uh... it's a weird, weird slip. At least it's better than "my friends." Does this mean we all get kinky gay bondage now? [TPM, Cajun Boy]

Pierre Omidyar, the one-and-only founder of eBay, didn't much appreciate John McCain's tip of the hat in last night's debate to Meg Whitman, eBay's former CEO. "Meg Whitman was CEO of a company which started with 12 people," McCain said, which rather riled Omidyar. Omidyar started the company by himself in September 1995; Whitman joined in March 1998, when the company already had 30 employees.

You have seen the "my friends" roundup, incessant repeats of the "that one" clip, perhaps watched the "Tom Brokaw complains about time" montage, reveled in examples of McCain's ill-advised joking and smiling and doing that lizard tongue thing, and of course you're familiar with the weird non-handshake thing at the end. But here and only here will you find the best debate video edit of all: the "McCain kinda shuffles around the room like an old guy" collection! Watch as he sorta wobbles to and fro! Thrill as he attempts a natural, casual gait despite the rebellion of every aged joint his body! Feel sorry for him despite yourself as he acts tired, oh so tired, this isn't how it was supposed to be, this isn't how it was supposed to be at all, just tired, Cindy, let's go home, please.

Both candidates went into the debates with the goal of looking Already President. Because many Americans simply wanted to believe they could trust the new guy, Obama won the first debate on those terms. Last night, it became clear that Obama's strategy was to spend the first debate as a calm, respectful presence and to open up more distinctions between the two candidates in the second. It also became clear that McCain's strategy was to assume he just couldn't possibly be losing to that punk kid. Conservatives are miserable that McCain lost last night. He pissed away the election! It was his last shot at winning! He never delivered the knock-out blow! He'd lost it already. Seriously. What could he have done, last night, that would've been a game-changer? Anything? He tried a stunt—"the Treasury Department will buy all the mortgages!"—but it just sounded like a stunt (also that is a great way to remind Republicans that they never liked you to begin with, by proposing a plan to the left of Obama). He was a little bit nicer, a bit jokier, but also much more critical of Obama in ways that made more sense than last time. What else could he have done? Magically appear 20 years younger? The only way to win this year on policy is to run to the left of the Democrats and the only way to win on character is to be more youthful and serious and new and comfortably familiar than Obama. McCain lost before he showed up. Once he showed up he looked old and tired. It'd be cruel to hand that man the presidency in a time like this. Tina Brown: "During the campaign McCain has aged dramatically. Like Dorian Gray, the bargains he has made with his conscience are reflected in the mirror. He has developed a strange Jimmy Cagney rasp and new verbal eccentricities that seem to have fused the speaking styles of Bob Dole and Ross Perot." John Heilemann: "He rattled around onstage looking slightly lost, making hokey jokes that fell flat in the hall, offering edgy barbs at Obama (and even Tom Brokaw!), and telling hoary stories that referenced Ronald Reagan, Teddy Roosevelt, Tip O'Neill, and Herbert Hoover - historically significant figures who reinforced the image of the Arizona senator as yesterday's man." Rich Lowry: "I thought McCain was good. It's as passionate and well-informed as he's ever been on domestic policy. His debate briefers did their job well. I think he repeatedly scored points in the first hour, but they were jabs rather then crosses-blows that Obama could absorb." And it should be noted that at The Corner they are convinced the only way McCain could've won this was to bring up William Ayers over and over and over again, to paint Obama as a radical leftist and to somehow get Real Americans to Wake Up and realize that this guy isn't who he says he is. Fittingly, their dissatisfaction with their mediocre candidate totally mirrors McCain's obvious shock that people are taking this Obama guy seriously. And now that Obama's favorables are so high, now that everyone is pretty sure they do know this guy (the time to paint him as something foreign and secretly scary came months ago, and Obama passed that test just fine), trying to scare voters away from him just demonstrates your contempt for their judgment. You know, the sort of contempt liberals were all accused of feeling because we couldn't believe anyone would've voted for Bush. Everyone hates the voters! We're pretty sure there isn't a "game-changer" of any kind available to the McCain campaign, and the best they can hope for is some sort of catastrophic meltdown by Obama. We're also pretty sure our debate preview was totally right!

A website called View Their Views has put its esteemed, one-month old reputation for YouTube-embedding excellence on the line to bring you some breaking investigative news or false-flag smears or whatever about John McCain's eldest biological daughter, Sidney. Exposed as a showbiz Democrat and "rebellious... boundary pusher" in the Times last year, Sidney supposedly had a baby at the age of 20 or 21 and gave it up for adoption. Of course she wasn't married at the time, so now McCain doesn't want anything to do with the granddaughter, and ignores her desperate calls every Christmas Eve to all 43 of his houses. That could be because she isn't real, except as a Democratic hit piece, or as a supposed Democratic hit piece that makes us pity GOTCHA smear victim John McCain. But it could also be because she is real and the Republican ticket is already too full of obscure sons, daughters, half-siblings, adopted kids and love children to handle another. McCain probably can't keep track of them or even remember their names, so here's a nice list of the more prominent ones:

Tom Brokaw was determined last night that he wasn't going to put up with any crap from presidential candidates or their running mates, who had their way with previous debate moderators Jim Lehrer and Gwen Ifill. So every time John McCain or Barack Obama broke one of the debate rules, Brokaw delivered a verbal slap. The NBC News commentator got increasingly frustrated with infractions as the night wore on, but both candidates seemed to be on their best behavior yet, even when Brokaw rather oddly insisted they yield a heated moment to a question from the entire internet.

Asked about possible candidates to serve as his Treasury secretary, John McCain said in Tuesday's presidential-candidate debate that Meg Whitman was a top candidate. His running mate, Sarah Palin, loves to talk about putting the state jet on eBay (even though, as is all too typical for eBay sellers these days, it didn't actually result in a sale). Whitman's record at eBay is mixed; she probably stayed three years too long. But since we're on the topic, why not put all the worthless mortgage securities the government is buying on eBay? The listing fees alone will be a major boon to the Silicon Valley economy.

John McCain at least made eye contact with Barack Obama during tonight's presidential debate. But that seemed to be about all the pleasantry he could manage. First he called Obama "that one." Now blogs are burning up with chatter that McCain also refused Obama's post-debate handshake, pointing him to wife Cindy instead.

One might expect a right-wing shouting head like Bill O'Reilly to help the Republican Party ratchet down expectations for John McCain ahead of tonight's presidential debate. But the Fox News Channel host is raising the stakes. A few minutes before the debate started, O'Reilly said the event will mark the Republican presidential nominee's "last stand." "McCain has to do well tonight, or say goodbye," he added. We're still pretty sure there's a scheme here — O'Reilly's probably got an easy definition of "well" — but this makes it all the more difficult for McCain to spin if he does poorly. Click the video icon to watch the clip. (PS: The commenter liveblog is here in case you missed it.)