On late Friday afternoon, we urged you to check out Claire Hoffman's piece in the LAT on America's most successful purveyor of drunkenly flashed jailbait mammaries, Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild, because between Francis' reported roughing up of Hoffman and her retaliatory cold-cocking of the handsy titty-mogul, his insistence that he's "been anally raped over and over by the media" that brings back memories of his infamous, non-penetrative dildo-menacing by a kidnapper, and about twenty other anecdotes that suggest Francis might have the makeup to one day run his own wildly successful Central American dictatorship, there is far too much to cover in a single blog post. Still, we find ourselves coming back to the story of the 18-year-old virgin who surrendered her maidenhead to Francis and was rewarded with three pairs of coveted Girls Gone Wild booty shorts and lingering doubts about how consensual the experience had been. An excerpt follows:

"I've been anally raped over and over by the media."

In the Girls Gone Wild Tour, Joe Francis' rack-flashing sideshow boards a giant bus, prowling America's highways and byways in search of a new crop of coeds willing to sacrifice just a few seconds of their own exposed, jiggling dignity in exchange for being part of something much bigger. Unfortunately, their titty vision quest was set off course when it hit a soft, cyclist-sized bump in the road:

As if his life-altering run-in with a pink dildo-wielding lunatic weren't karmic payback enough, Girls Gone Wild visionary/rack-flashing videographer Joe Francis recently found himself on the receiving end of a punch to the face at a party in the Hills. The alleged assailant was an unidentified female partygoer, though the motives remain unknown. (We're thinking less violent, feminist Grrrl uprising, more, "Hey, you said if I showed you my tits and blew you, you'd introduce me to Leo!") In X17's video footage of the events immediately following the attack, a cavalry consisting of K-9 units and a firetruck arrive on the scene, as an outraged Francis points to his eye-level wounds and demands the woman and her companion be arrested. (We have no clue whether or not the assailants in question are the flustered, blonde duo scurrying away at the start of the video.) By the end, cooler heads prevail: Francis says to the gathered paparazzi that the event was "a misunderstanding," and drives off into the night. Never one to shy away from a golden guerrilla video opportunity, however, look for Francis' latest brainstorm, Girls Gone Wild: Fighting Mad to soon grace late night informercials, marrying the best of Gone Wild's drunken exhibitionism to the blood-and-bruise excitement of the burgeoning backyard wrestling and bum fight genres.

Girls Gone Wild emperor Joe Francis' decision to hold his birthday party at Magic Mountain is strangely fitting; his entire life, after all, is something of a theme park—let's call it Drunken Teenager Tittty-Flash Land. (Slogan: "The happiest place on Earth until your father nearly masturbates to the shameful thing you did on spring break.") On Thursday night, Francis and hundreds of his closest friends will descend upon the park, ready to finally discover what the Hollywood club scene would be like if roller coasters and (actual) bumper cars were readily available, allowing the highly inebriated to travel at great speeds without fear of a vehicular manslaughter arrest. Unfortunately, the party's not open to the public (i.e., us), but following this link allows the uninvited to simulate the extreme thrill of being on the list for the event.

• Rumors continue that the Brangelina will spew forth its sexy spawn in the south African nation of Namibia; the couple may even give the child a local name, like Malaria. [NYDN]
• Originally from the now-defunct Radar, Mark Ebner updates his story of Girls Gone Wild freak Joe Francis and the trespassing pink dildo that Francis learned to love. Since Francis hosted Richard Johnson's bachelor party, it's a nice reminder of what you'll never read in Page Six. [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Is Kate Moss hooking up with Israeli investor Vivi Nevo? If his blow is kosher, then of course. [Page Six]
• Today in irony: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen front for Free Arts NYC, an organization for at-risk children. [Gatecrasher (3rd item)]
• Robin Williams tells GQ that he used to pick up Christopher Reeve's sloppy seconds. [R&M]
• Is the city of Miami is paying Page Six for "advice on media coverage?" Two mentions in a single day — we're just saying. [Page Six]
• Tom Cruise denies any involvement in Comedy Central's pulling of South Park reruns mocking the actor as being "in the closet." In fact, the decision was all R. Kelly's fault. [IMDb]

• Nello Balan clarifies his cracked-out ad in Saturday's Post — obviously, it was a retort to a Page Six item in which he was referred to as a roughneck. He thinks it was a humorous response, we think it was a cry for help. Whatever the case, we hope he keeps on buying up the ad space. [Page Six]
• Thanks to his time on Howard Stern yesterday, we know that Wilmer Valderrama gets more tail than Colin Farrell at a bachelorette party. Even worse, he claims to have snatched away poor Mandy Moore's virginity. [Cityrag]
• Star Jones' co-hosts on The View serve her a bitchslap when she calls in to report on her post-breast lift condition — but, predictably, Elizabeth Hasselbeck pussies out. [Lowdown]
• Page Six suggests that Girls Gone Wild masterbeast Joe Francis is looking to buy Playboy. Fat chance, but that's certainly a nice item to repay Francis for hosting Richard Johnson's bachelor party. [Page Six]
• Former New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight can't take the heat of VH1's Surreal Life and drops out. Write your own "Hangin' Tough" joke. [Gatecrasher]
• Pam Anderson seeks an audience with the PM of Canada to discuss the clubbing of baby seals. Somehow, we don't see him refusing some face-time. [Scoop]

There is happy news for the Dino De Laurentiis of inebriated, exhibitionistic, vacationing sorority girl cinema verite, Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis. Darnell Riley, Francis' blackmailing assailant, has pled guilty to some of his alleged actual* crimes (by way of review, Riley broke into Francis' home, held him at gunpoint, bound him with duct tape, and forced him to repeat the words
I
m from Boys Gone Wild, and I like it up the ass,
capturing the entire scene on video for the purposes of extortion). And to paraphrase an oft-repeated sentiment borrowed from the files of Mystery, Inc., he might have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for that meddling Paris Hilton:

The LAT reports that the man accused of extorting pioneering drunken Spring Break exhibitionist documentarian, Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis, was ordered to stand trial after a preliminary hearing yesterday. The Times sums up the apparent irony of the trial efficiently:

The LA Times ran its first article on Girls Gone Wild impresario Joe Francis' videotaped forced humiliation and blackmail attempt today. And while they tiptoe around the more colorful and battery-operated assault details, one crucial, huge relief of a fact does emerge:

Radar's report on the videotaped defilement and robbery of Girls Gone Wild mogul and recent Lindsay Lohan-autograph recipient Joe Francis, and the Paris Hilton-entangled events that led up to it, has been made available on their website. We must warn you, however: though there are no objectionable photos, merely thinking the name "Joe Francis" in conjunction with "Paris Hilton" stamps this entire business with a big, fat 'NSFW'.

A former guest at Girls Gone Wild Chief Titty-Inspecting Officer Joe Francis's Casa Aramara compound (doesn't your house have a name and a website?) in Puerta Vallarta snapped this pic of the estate's guestbook, where a vacationing Lindsay Lohan scrawled these heartfelt words for her gracious host: Joe: I love you, marry me? I know you love 18 yr olds. No, but seriously, thank you so much. Everything was amazing and you were a fuckin' great host. I'll be back to torture ya. Love always, Lindsay. P.S. Wear a condom Joe & keep your tongue in your mouth. La La Loo. You can click the above image to see a larger, more easily readable version.