Oh goodness! Welcome to Intrigue University, population: The cast of Gossip Girl! So much happened last night on America's Next Worst Dance Crew that it's hard to even comprehend. Seriously, so little of it made any sense.

In case there was any confusion: "This blog post originally stated that one in three black men who have sex with me is HIV positive. In fact, the statistic applies to black men who have sex with men."

Fun-lovin' rich gals Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina, California's Republican nominees for governor and senator, respectively, really lived large this weekend: They opened a joint appearance with Hispanic leaders by taking tequila shots! Impressed, Hispanics? Tequila is your "water," right?

The New York Times this weekend profiles two female conservative commentators at very different points in their careers: crazy Upper East Side islamophobic blogger Pamela Geller, and crazy Ann Coulter. What can aspiring female right-wing blowhards learn from their stories?

British clothing chain Marks & Spencer has waded into the dong-enhancement game with its new Bodymax line of "frontal enhancement" underwear. They'll make your dick look 38 percent bigger! M&S also offers butt-lifting undies made of "cool, odour resistant fabric."

Much attention has been paid to Mad Men's female actresses' anatomy. But what about the plight of Jon Hamm's penis? The poor man can't afford underpants and is forced to display his genitalia in clingy pants everywhere he goes.

Anderson Cooper was on Ellen recently talking about gay bullying, and he mentioned (but not by name) the trailer for the Vince Vaughn comedy The Dilemma, which prominently features a gay joke. Cooper is not happy with it, understandably.

Puffy, halo-haired hypocrite xenophobe Lou Dobbs is absolutely outraged that The Nation would correctly report that he employed illegal immigrants as workers at his various palatial estates. What—do they want Lou Dobbs to start racial profiling?

Concetta Serrano was summoned to her brother-in-law's home by Chi l'ha Visto—an Italian show about missing persons—where she was informed on live TV that her teenage daughter's body had been found—and her brother-in-law was responsible for her death.

Chris Armstrong, the openly gay University of Michigan student body president who was systematically harassed by a Michigan assistant attorney general, was on CNN last night to denounce bullying. Watch his interview and his attacker try to defend his position.

Sum Poosie is "the Girls Gone Wild of energy drinks," "a vagina-themed cherry-flavored energy drink that will fight HIV while maintaining your erection." It's a big hit in the lesbian community. Have you tried Sum Poosie, yet?

An irate Williamsburg, Brooklyn resident has posted a friendly-but-pointed note on their building's front door, asking a neighbor, whoever it may be, to stop blasting Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" music album in the middle of the day. Seriously. Stop it.

Corporate buyout king Henry Kravis is donating $100 million to Columbia's Business School, which will help the school add 450,000 square feet of space. Which raises an interesting point about these types of donations: they are loathsome.

Tina Knowles was midway through a plus-sized fashion show during the last hour of Today when Beyoncé burst onto set and surprised everyone. No one was as surprised as Hoda Kotb, who completely lost her sh*t. Hysterical slow-mo video inside!

A former San Jose State University student is suing her sorority, Sigma Gamma Rho, for beating the hell out of her with wooden paddles for three weeks. Hey, hey—how else will she learn to respect her history?

Some testy emails between the camps of Sarah Palin and Alaskan Senate candidate Joe Miller, whom she endorsed, have leaked, and yikes! Basically, when Miller refused to directly answer a televised question regarding Palin's presidential qualifications, Todd Palin was... unhappy.

Today the Queen of Daytime invited the Queen of Domesticity onto her talk show. It was the first time Martha had visited Oprah's show since her time in jail, and the two naturally had a lot to discuss.

When a video clip of a girl drowning puppies appeared online, 4chan went to work and identified the perpetrator, a girl in Bosnia. The police there tracked her down. And now: she's reportedly getting off without being charged.

Phillip Calderon, 37, was escorted off the campus of Binghamton University in upstate New York last Wednesday for pretending he was an undergraduate student at the university. Was this all a ploy to get close to gay students?

Last night's installment of Edith Wharton's Kidz Korner was all about lies and betrayals, mistrust and secrecy. It was also about a new haircut and a red dress that were worse than all that other stuff.