• If you've noticed Jennifer Aniston's hair looking even more perfect and shiny lately, it's not your imagination. She reportedly spent $50,000 to have her hairstylist accompany her around the world for the Marley & Me's premieres. [DM, P6]
• Britney Spears kicked off her first tour in five years with a concert in New Orleans last night. The early reviews have not been positive, in case you're wondering. [People, DM, MTV]
• Did Chris Brown and Rihanna secretly tie the knot at Diddy's Miami manse? That's what Star is claiming, since Rihanna is "looking for the husband-and-two-kids deal before she turns 25." [Star]
• Breaking! Oprah has adopted a new puppy! [Us]
• Jennifer Lopez borrowed $50,000 worth of jewelry to attend an event last week, but never gave it back. [P6]

In Tuesday's disturbing relationship newsdump, we learn Nadya Suleman's kids brutalize her, Rihanna's Chris Brown reunion riled her family and dinner with TomKat is as weird as you think.

Liev Schreiber "sifting" through the trash near his Noho apartment ... Jeremy Piven walking with girlfriend Ashley Chontos in Soho ... Brad Pitt arriving at JFK to board a flight ... Brooke Shields shopping on Madison Avenue ... Slumdog Millionaire's Freida Pinto walking around Midtown with an H&M shopping bag in hand ... Justin Timberlake walking downtown with an unidentified "female friend" ... Mariska Hargitay and her husband leaving the Nederlander Theatre on West 41st Street ... and Madonna walking in the snow with Jesus Luz.

• Is Madonna's relationship with Jesus Luz purely platonic? The two are "quite close and cuddly, but not exactly romantic," and Jesus was spotted at a Kabbalah service "playing around more with Rocco than paying attention to Madonna," which can't be a good sign. [E!]
• Did marrying Tom Cruise ruin Katie Holmes' chances of ever having a movie career? Is Tom's sister secretly handling his PR even though she pretends to just be his assistant? So many questions! [Fox 411, P6]
• Amy Winehouse's estranged husband Blake Fielder-Civil was released from jail yesterday. [The Sun]
• Martha Stewart's old friend Sam Waksal is now out of a halfway house and "ready to get back to work trying to find a cure for cancer." [NYDN]

• Get the welcome wagon ready: Jennifer Aniston may be moving to New York soon, both to be closer to John Mayer and because she's filming her next two movies here. [Fox 411]
• A bunch of people who attended Madonna, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's Oscars party at Guy Oseary's house ended up leaving early and heading over to the more popular Vanity Fair bash instead. Kate Winslet screamed "Wooo!" at everyone who congratulated her (and later tripped down a small set of steps), a tipsy Natalie Portman flirted with Twilight's Robert Pattinson, and Mick Jagger chatted up every woman that came within two feet of him. [P6, NYDN, E!, Mirror]
• Madonna looked conspicuously wrinkle-free while squiring Jesus Luz around LA last weekend and eventually ran into Sean Penn on Sunday night. After congratulating him on his Oscar win, he pointed in Luz's direction and replied, "Thanks. Another kid already?" [NYDN, DS, Sun]
• Nicky Hilton placed a homeless man under "citizen's arrest" after he pushed her on to the ground outside an IHOP. Seriously. [Us]

• Bruce Wasserstein has been keeping busy. In between splitting up with his third wife and marrying his fourth, he found the time to have a baby with a recent Columbia Business School grad, with whom he's now sharing custody of a 10-month-old girl. [P6]
• The LAPD have launched an investigation into who leaked a confidential photo of a battered and bruised Rihanna to TMZ. [TMZ, E!]
• Whitney Port said this week that Olivia Palermo can be "very difficult to worth with," and that she occasionally wants to "slap her." Join the club. [AH]
• Madonna is reportedly planning to use the Vanity Fair Oscar party on Sunday to introduce Jesus Luz to the world as her new boyfriend. [OK!]
• Portia De Rossi is reportedly preparing to undergo IVF so she and Ellen DeGeneres can have a baby. [SFGate]

• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson skipped out of a Valentine's Day appearance at the Hard Rock in Florida, supposedly because both had come down with the flu. But they didn't appear too sick the night before when the pair were spotted in a screaming match outside the Charlotte Ronson after-party on the Lower East Side. [People, NYP, NYDN]
• Chris Brown now says he's "sorry and saddened" over the incident with Rihanna. [LAT]
• Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault got married on Saturday. [People]
• Amy Sacco says she's planning to do a reality show for Bravo. [NYDN]
• Dina Lohan owes $11,485 in back taxes on her Long Island home. [P6]
• Jesus Luz's mother says her son has been "kidnapped" by Madonna. Also, in case you're wondering, Madge is the same age as his grandmother. [NYP, DM]

• Poor Gwynnie will have to brave V-Day alone, since Chris Martin's on tour and she's not sure what continent he's on. [NYDN]
• Chris Brown left Las Vegas yesterday, where he'd been holed up at the Hard Rock. He also updated his Facebook page, changing his status to single and writing, "You'll begin to see her true colors. Believe it!" [NYP, E!]
• Jesus Luz, Madonna's 22-year-old "special friend," is now into Kabbalah. [P6]
• Joaquin Phoenix is still running around town acting crazy; it's still unclear if he's drugged out of his mind or if it's just a big hoax. [NYDN]

• Paris Hilton hasn't given up on her dream of musical superstardom. At a Grammy after-party on Sunday, she accosted Paul McCartney and asked him if he'd be interested in doing a duet with her. Paul politely explained that he didn't think he'd have the time. [The Sun]
• Gwyneth Paltrow didn't join Chris Martin at any of the Grammy after-parties, so he found another chick to hang out with instead. [NYDN]
• The Chris Brown-Rihanna situation has taken a turn for the worse. Rihanna's injuries are reportedly "horrific," and include bite marks, facial contusions, and a bloody nose. Brown has hired attorney Mark Geragos to defend him. Both stars have cancelled upcoming appearances. And Brown's Doublemint gum ad has already been pulled. [People, TMZ, NYP]

Finally, W has released the photo essay that documents the exact moments that Madonna met/fell for/sucked the soul out of 22-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz. So, what have we learned?

• Olivia Palermo and Whitney Port are "horrified" that MTV producers have been pressuring them to get into a physical fight at "work" for an upcoming episode on The City and they've even threatened to walk off the set if they're forced to participate. How principled! [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan "stomped around" and "caused chaos" after finding out she'd have to sit in economy on a flight home from Tampa on Saturday. (She also told a friend to "come and visit me back there in case I die.") Horrified flight attendants eventually found her a seat up front. [Fox News]
• Things seem to be heating up between Madonna and Jesus Luz. Also, she took the model to brunch at Macelleria on Sunday, so you know. [DM, NYDN]
• It looks like Julie Janklow's new paramour is none other than surfer Scott Murphy, who split with Marci Klein back in December. [P6, previously]

What kind of post-divorce boytoy do you get for the female superstar who's had them all? In Madonna's case, you go straight to Jesus (reinvented—as is her wont—as 22-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz).

[Submit your own Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com] Feb. 1 @ 12:30pm Eating at Macelleria with model Jesus Luz (Is that her boyfriend? He's even hunkier in person!) and her daughter Lourdes.