• Amy Winehouse fainted at home yesterday and spent the night undergoing testing at a London hospital. So far the tests have proved inconclusive and doctors are stumped as to what exactly happened, which clearly means they're not reading the tabloids. [Reuters]

• Haven't seen Isaac Mizrahi around much lately? That's because he's been holed up making his own pomade, since the product he usually uses is no longer on the market. If all goes well, he might sell his new creation and call it I-Hair. [Page Six]

• Brad Pitt spent the weekend at the Miami Basel fair in Switzerland buying a $293,000 white marble table and $25,000 chairs while a very pregnant Angelina Jolie stayed home in France. [Page Six]

When the Count and Countess of Scientology throw a party, they do not set out plastic lawn chairs and serve crustless honey-drenched finger sandwiches. No, when TomKat decide to invite all of their friends and frenemies (and even some enemies!) over for a daytime soirée, the Knights of Hubbard throw the kind of party that puts everyone from the Royal Family to Donatella Versace to shame. On Saturday afternoon, TomKat decided to congratulate themselves on purchasing yet another of their many torture chambers loving households in Beverly Hills by hosting the likes of Kirstie “I Should Be Dead” Alley, Oprah “Never Forget” Winfrey, Victoria “Posher Than Katie” Beckham, and Jennifer “Marc Is Sick Again” Lopez. And putting aside Suri’s adorably Croc-like sandals and her ongoing tendency to appear just as frightened of her father as the rest of the world, this A-list party’s most impressive attributes were the pimped out rides. After the jump, a collection of the invitees in their modes of transportations, and a sampling of just how much security goes into protecting their Friends and Foes from Xenu’s ominous Orwellian eye:

• Alec Baldwin lashes out at the family court system in his book, not his ex-wife Kim Basinger. He takes care of her at live party appearances: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." [Showbiz Spy]

What better way to annul your time spent in rehab than by pulling the old “It was just research!” card? That’s what Eva Mendes is allegedly claiming, pegging her January stay at Le Cirque in Utah to an upcoming role in Queen Of The South where she'll play a female drug lord or, as some have termed the character, “the female Scarface.” At the time, so-called insiders came forward saying Mendes was everything from a “closet drinker” to a prescription drug addict. Though it’s a nice thought that Mendes’ month-long stay alongside real-live drunk Kirsten Dunst was just a hush-hush effort to really feel like a druggie, we took a look at the timeline coupled with Mendes’ past, and find the excuse weak at best:

One finds the best celebrity blind items in the Home & Garden section of the New York Times. Joyce Wadler, who once helmed the newspaper's tepid Boldface Names gossip column, winkled out a delicious anecdote about one of luxury contractor John Finton's most demanding celebrity clients.

Sorry boys, It appears as if Scarlett Johansson really is taken. As we noted yesterday, 2006's Sexiest Woman Alive got engaged to equally easy-on-the-eyes boyfriend Ryan Reynolds, and judging from ScarJo's behavior last night at the Costume Institute Gala, the soon-to-be-bride appears incapable of hiding her joy. All smiles as she walked the carpet, Johansson even did the paparazzi a favor by flashing her new rock, and her choice to wear an off-white demure dress helped us paint some mental images of her upcoming walk down the aisle. But how does her ring compare to infamous engagement rings of the past (J. Lo's sad pink diamond monster mid-Bennifer trainwreck) and rings recently sported by newly engaged stars like Mariah Carey and Ashlee Simpson? We compare and contrast after the jump.

• Testifying against her alleged stalker, Uma Thurman's dad said the man emailed him a few times about the study-abroad program at Columbia, where the dad is a professor. He had no clue the guy was a stalker, or even knew who his daughter was. Then one day the alleged stalker wrote: "Today the center of my forehead is ticking now and then. I feel in love with your daughter Uma." And later: "Apparently hoping it would be forwarded to the actress.... 'Work on that accent for our wedding night. Pretty please.'"

Just in time for her reality show about having kids, Jennifer Lopez (known as JLo to people from 2003) wants to have more kids. The fading entertainer and her Peruvian shrunken head boyfriend husband Marc Anthony recently mashed genitals and produced twins, and her efforts to raise them while also coping with her big butt will be documented in an upcoming (self-financed!) TLC reality show. But two is not enough, what in this bizarro world where the simple act of procreating is worthy of adulating praise and millions of dollars. We've gotten to the point where I, if I wanted to adopt a child (which I don't), would have to show up at the agency, wearing a top hat and monocle, and introduce myself as H.S. Moneybags in order to have a chance at forking over thousands of dollars to get my grubby gay hands on a baby. Whereas Ms. Lopez and her celebrity friends have turned baby making and having and inevitably fucking up beyond all recognition into a little cottage industry of magazines and television shows and lord knows what else (as complained about on the Huffingon Post). Can it be Children of Men soon, please?

Remember when The Learning Channel was proudly cheesy? Back when they featured all those low-budget Baby Stories and Wedding Stories and any kind of Story that would set housewives' hearts aflutter? Well, it looks like those TLC-loving housewives are in store for something a bit more glamorous. According to the NY Daily News, diamond-drenched new mother of twins Jennifer Lopez is gearing up to invite us into her and vampire-like husband Marc Anthony's home to "deliver a slice of [Lopez's] life that audiences have never seen before, as she takes on her career and launches a new fragrance while trying to juggle her new responsibilities as a first-time mom." While we couldn't be more excited to watch Lopez cook enchiladas that Anthony will eventually purge, we're noticing a trend. Namely, that previously straight-laced networks like TLC and Lifetime have taken notice of Bravo's success and, thus, are beginning to follow their bold footsteps by greenlighting programs that strongly appeal to the gay and lesbian community.

• Jennifer Lopez is going to star in a TLC reality show about raising her twins. Oh this is going to be awesome. We're going to get to see all of the crazy stuff Tom Cruise and Lopez's other Scientologist advisers had installed for the little ones: the security cameras, "sterile" baby wing, sanitized flowers and the staff of baby bodyguards and color therapist.

Once upon a time, a godfather was a man whose chief mission was to guide a child's religious beliefs. But nowadays, it's just a regular guy who's friends with the parents and buys stuff for the kid ... or so J. Lo and Marc Anthony would have us believe. The "Catholic" couple, whose twins Max and Emme were born on February 22, have reportedly asked Tom Cruise to be their babies' godfather. Yeah, you read that right.

• An anonymous caller told George Clooney about his new girlfriend Sarah Larson, "Dump the bitch before you're sorry." Clooney got his off-duty-cop chauffeur to have the call traced, but it was made from a pre-paid cell phone and they can't figure out who bought the phone. Also, the Sun found a supposed ex-boyfriend of Larson who said Larson had "special love potions."

That's the amount left over after after Marc Anthony bought some incredibly expensive earrings to reward wife Jennifer Lopez for her lucrative fertility. The couple had made a reported $6m from the sale of photos of their newborn twins to People magazine.

When we heard today that Christina Ricci instructed her trainer to give her Jessica Biel's butt for her upcoming role in Speed Racer, we too remembered our longtime fascination with Biel's hard bottom. Even though Justin Timberlake famously praised the back door of Kylie Minogue, we're sure he's doing just fine enjoying his current girlfriend's assets. And considering we've had asses on the brain since Gisele thrust hers into our face this morning, we decided to just declare this Hump Day, well, Rump Day. Herewith, we present our picks for the top five best butts in Hollywood. And not to worry ladies; we'll be sure to devote an upcoming Hump Day to the male stars with the most appealing cushions for pushing.

• Probably trying to dispel rumors she's about to divorce Guy Ritchie, and also drum up more publicity for her new album, Madonna overshared about her sex life to magazine Elle, saying screwing Ritchie is "amazing," even though both husband and wife sleep with BlackBerrys under their pillows. Elle pics are here. (Photo: Vanity Fair via Daily Mail)

It's been only five weeks since Jennifer "Don't Call Me J. Lo" Lopez gave birth to twins and, magically, the singing sensation seems to have withered down to her pre-baby weight. Though we have often been mystified by what Jennifer does — particularly by her decision-making process post Wedding Planner in choosing which films to star in — her desire to quickly trim down doesn't surprise us in the slightest. To that end, we compared Lopez's figure from before Marc Anthony worked his magic on her urgent uterus to a photo of her weeks before she popped to her stunning appearance last night at the New York premiere of Shine A Light.

Take another look at that $6m spread in People on Jennifer Lopez's newborn twins. It's a picture of parental bliss. The actress displays the requisite ecstasy as she and husband Marc Anthony skip down the front drive, each pushing a stroller. (For $6m, People had a right to a bit of a show.) But turn to page 55, and look closely at Emme Maribel, the couple's daughter. Some dark intelligence is evident behind those eyes. For the close-up:

It's tough out there for a celebrity mom with a baby cover exclusive with People. From Nicole Richie's non-groundbreaking Harlow cover to Christina Aguilera's boobalicious Max debut, no glossy cover with a star baby splashed across it will ever compare to that of The Chosen One. Well, unless The Chosen Two follow in their goddess-like older sister's footsteps. And despite the fact that Jennifer Lopez received the heftiest payday on record to introduce twins Max and Emme to the masses, MSNBC reports that Jenny From The Block went into vintage diva mode both prior to the shoot and throughout the painful session: