"We've said all along that we admire Apple, that we want to be in business with Apple," NBC Universal CEO Jeff Zucker said in the Financial Times this morning. Of course you have, Jeff. Except for maybe that time last fall when you told an audience at Syracuse University that "Apple has destroyed the music business ... If we don't take control on the video side, they'll do the same [there]." What does Zucker's pirouette mean?

Did upward-failing NBC Universal Chief Executive Golden Boy Jeff Zucker, enraged at the galling disloyalty of striking SNL writers who planned to participate in the delivery of a Top Ten list on hated CBS talk-show rival David Letterman's WGA-sanctioned return to the airwaves last Wednesday night, threaten to dispatch a flock of ravenous, flesh-craving demon-peacocks to eat the defenseless babies of anyone who dared betray their corporate family by appearing on a competing network's late-night telecast? Sources tell Slate's Kim Masters that once Zucker got word of the impending treachery, Warnings Were Issued, and a hasty retreat beaten by some of those reminded where their bread was buttered:

Steve Jobs has quieted one long-running concern of unhappy Apple shareholders by naming Avon CEO Andrea Jung to the male-dominated board of the Cupertino-based computer maker. Jung will be the board's first female member in nearly 11 years. The addition likely has nothing to do with appeasing feminists, however, and everything to do with Jung's business connections. She also serves on the board of GE, the parent of NBC Universal. Apple's media strategy has been hindered by a feud between NBC's Jeff Zucker and Jobs over selling TV shows online. Jung will likely have to recuse herself from any direct dealings. But as a behind-the-scenes peacemaker? She's perfectly made up. (Photo by Avon)

In news sure to rock the voiceover world, the Eat the Press blog's audio forensics lab has revealed that the new, disembodied voice of NBC Nightly News is...[SFX: drumroll] Michael Douglas. (In fairness, we should note that some false positives—like Richard Dreyfuss and Alan Alda—preceded the final announcement.) We're not sure which NBC official is responsible for this coup, but we wouldn't be surprised if co-chairman/designated big-idea-haver Ben Silverman called up boss Jeff Zucker and demanded that he patch this latest hole in the their leaky network with the finest celebrity spackle available. [Eat the Press]

Methinks NBC Universal CEO Jeff Zucker ought to worry a little more about getting more viewers for his little TV network than about squeezing more money out of Apple. NBC ranked fourth in the ratings last week, stomped by Dancing with the Stars and my Red Sox winning the World Series. [AP]

NBC Universal CEO Jeff Zucker again denied rumors of a possible sale of the company by parent General Electric. Zucker noted that GE chief Jeff Immelt "has said numerous times that NBCU is not for sale." Sort of like NBC's new fall season on iTunes. [Reuters]

You'll recall NBC's noisy departure from Apple's iTunes store in August. First we heard the problem was that NBC had asked Apple to raise per-episode prices to $2.99. Then, we heard Apple advocated cutting prices to 99 cents a show, arguing that volume would make up for lost profits. Now, NBC Universal CEO Jeff Zucker reveals he misplayed the negotiations even more than we could have imagined. He asked for a piece of Apple's iPod hardware sales.

"Apple has destroyed the music business... If we don't take control on the video side, they'll do the same [there]." NBC Universal Chief Jeff Zucker. Sure. If by "destroyed," you mean "saved from complete irrelevance." [JupiterResearch]

· NBC Universal boss Jeff Zucker whines that his company wasn't making much money from iTunes downloads of its TV shows, and that the control-freaky Apple wouldn't allow him to "experiment" with raising the prices for one of its series. Also, the greedy Apple is apparently to blame for denying them revenue they would then immediately share with their beloved partners in content creation, their writers: "Apple sold millions of dollars worth of hardware off the back of our content and made a lot of money. They did not want to share in what they were making off the hardware or allow us to adjust pricing." [Variety]
· The feds are sending a nanny to tomorrow's contract negotiation session to make sure that WGA and AMPTP play nice in the final moments before a possible strike. [THR]

NBC had to yank a "Saturday Night Live" video off YouTube after it failed to license a sample from Aphex Twin. This happens a mere week after NBC Universal president Jeff Zucker ranted to Congress that the government needed to focus more on copyright infringement. [Techdirt]

NBC chief Jeff Zucker just bought Kitty Carlisle Hart's five bedroom palace on 64th Street for $12.5 million. That works out to the same price as 75,000 seconds of primetime NBC ads. [NYM]

When unaging (at least around the face!) PR doyenne Peggy Siegal throws a movie party in the Hamptons, she bizarrely expects you to see whatever movie she's working on. On Sunday, it was some Jaime Foxx action flick called The Kingdom. When we rolled up for her party at Savannah's in Southampton about ten minutes before the movie ended, no one was in the restaurant yet. Peggy approached: Jackie Onassis meets Nan Talese meets Allison Janney. "Sorry, we're early!" said Deb Schoeneman, the editor in chief of Hamptons Style. Peggy's eyes were burning embers of annoyance in their deep sockets. "It's O.K. this time but not again. I'm in the movie business. Not the catering business," she said. Awkward! People arrived. Jeff Zucker, the short bald president of NBC Universal, worked the tables like a croupier.

· "I can answer that with three letters: N-B-C. Very, very good writing team. Very, very good cast. The network fucked it up because they intervened endlessly. If you really want a job to work, don't get Jeff Zucker's team to come help you because they're not funny ...." [Note: This is a (slightly) revised transcription of the quote reported by TV Week that we originally posted.]
· Courtney Love is looking better than ever.
· Is there actually a Transformers fan insane enough to bid $40,000 on a prop, or is some prankster interfering with eBay's invisible hand of commerce?
· "I really want to do a different take on the celebrity interview. The last thing I want to see is Nicole Kidman talking about what movie she's going to be in. I want to talk to Nicole Kidman's neighbor about what's going on with Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban when he's pretending not to drink." That's admirable and all, but the big question for Chelsea Lately's Chelsea Handler: Will even Kidman's neighbor be willing to slum it on an 11:30pm show on E!?

Kevin Reilly, recently canned from NBC by Jeff Zucker, becomes president of the entertainment division at Fox. How will things be different? "There is going to be no paranoia about hidden agendas. We are going to speak with one voice." Take that, chrome dome! [NYT]

Let the networkwide party begin: today's Page Six reports that allegedly 420-friendly NBC co-chairman Ben Silverman has jumped over the last mellow-harshing hurdle erected by the killjoy suits of his parent corporation, finally taking- his company drug test:

Jeff Zucker meets with Jon Stewart in case NBC sticks with Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien bolts the network, possibly to replace David Letterman or Jimmy Kimmel. Got it? [B&C]

· Time Warner officially announces that interim CEO Bill Nelson will be permanently replacing the recently shitcanned Chris Albrecht, confident that their newly installed leader will keep himself free of PR-nightmare altercations at Vegas valet stands. [Variety]
· Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee will make her acting debut in the "indie dark romantic comedy" Last Caller, a part that will reportedly require no singing, and, hopefully, pave the way for the trashier roles that we've envisioned for her ever since her first cattle-call audition appearance. [THR]
· Universal president/COO Ron Meyer signs on for another five years running the company, extending his reign through 2012. Gushes boss Jeff Zucker, "He knows the business inside and out and has an incredible eye for talent, and inspires intense loyalty. He is a crucial part of NBC Universal's success, but I will not hesitate to feed him to the animatronic Jaws at the Universal Studios theme park if that becomes necessary for the advancement of my own career." [THR]
· Publicity-whoring magic rival David Blaine to issue press release calling Cameron Diaz's new boyfriend a "pussy" for not filling the Times Square death-box he just escaped from with water. [THR]
· The studios releasing this summer's fast-starting sequel blockbusters (Spidey/Pirates/Shrek 3) are finding that overseas audiences are much more tolerant of disappointing crap than their American counterparts. [Variety]

Because no seismic shift in the Hollywood power matrix feels fully complete without the requisite internal memo patting the ousted exec on his recently axed head for a job well done—but not quite well enough to warrant not getting fired!—while welcoming with great fanfare his more promising replacement, we offer the following message from NBC Universal President and CEO Jeff Zucker. It introduced new co-chairmen, Ben "Zucker II" Silverman and Marc Graboff, to his army of blind followers, who know better than to question the at times brutal wisdom of their sheeny-scalped overlord. The rest of the memo and press release follow after the jump:

NBC head Kevin Reilly, who just weeks ago optimistically unveiled his network's fall slate to advertisers with the fighting, Muhammad-Aliesque couplet: "We've got the class and next season we're ready to add some mass," has been relieved of his Deal or No Deal-replicating duties once and for all, in a Memorial Day weekend surprise shakeup ordered from on high by NBC Universal's Peacock King, Jeff Zucker. Reports LA Weekly's Nikki Finke: