Amid a summer of great American dogs and semi-scandalous ripoffs of ripoffs, the news that NBC is considering Rosie O'Donnell for a weekly variety show gig should provoke a little more than this dull ache in our frontal lobes. After all, this is a chance for more than just showcasing bad celebrity interviews and performances from the newest, cheapest talent from around the nation; this is an hour-per-week of Hasselbeck payback — in primetime, no less, according to EW. But there's a catch: NBC's first choice, Jay Leno, has to say no. And that's no sure thing (as elaborated after the jump):

At NBC's TCA press conference yesterday, network co-chairs Ben Silverman and Marc Graboff confirmed their plans to eject Jay Leno from The Tonight Show via jerry-rigged catapult device on May 29, 2009. That gives them only three rushed days to erect a new set and change the dressing room door names from "Kevin Eubanks" to "Masturbating Bear" for the premiere of replacement host, Conan O'Brien. There to press the executives on the questionably motivated decision to fire the highest-rated name in late night (Graboff insisted they'd like to keep Leno at NBC Universal, but give us a break): Leno himself, disguised in a bald wig, goatee, and glasses:

We now have a better idea of how long Jimmy Fallon will be made to spin in an NBC.com hamster wheel before his big network debut: The Leno/O'Brien passing of the not-entirely-thought-out-torch will occur at the end of May 2009: "Jay Leno will sign off as host of The Tonight Show on May 29, 2009, with Conan O'Brien taking over the storied franchise on Monday, June 1, 2009." Asked for comment on this Jeff Zucker-hunch gone awry (that comes with a reported $40 million penalty fee to O'Brien should they pull out), NBC co-chair Marc Graboff told the TCA, "We made our decision and I'm happy with it. NBC will continue to dominate late-night." [TV Week]

Maybe it came out of concerns over his tepidly reviewed performance at Just For Laughs, where the straight-faced-challenged former SNL star delivered on the audience's darkest fears with groaner ditties like "You Spit When You Talk" and "Car Wash For Peace." In any case, the strange talent-shuffle scheduled at NBC late night —ratings-leader Jay Leno ejected from his Tonight Show job, Conan O'Brien shuffled in to take his place, and Jimmy Fallon ushered into the post vacated by O'Brien—has become just that much stranger. Dark Canadian comedy overlord Lorne Michaels announced Fallon would cut his teeth with a web-based mini-show leading up to his big gig:

Oh Ellen Page. Why must you make it so easy to spark lesbionic rumors after every public appearance, from outfits showcasing your boyish frame, hiring a Power Lesbian publicist to defend your Non-Power Lesbian status, and showing Jay Leno and the country just how masculine your workout moves are? Not to mention that business of stroking your phantom goatee during the macho exercises in question? Adding more flame to the female-loving fire, Page is currently filming Whip It! in Michigan alongside Drew Barrymore in the newly single actress’ directorial debut. And after hearing the trajectory of Page’s star character Bliss, including every budding Chic Lesbian’s preference of roller derby races over that superficial tradition of beauty pageants (note: we are just imagining what Ellen’s Us-recruited body language expert would "think"), we can't exactly believe with certainty that Page isn't a member of Closeted Hollywood. Not to mention these photos of the Diablo-spawned prodigy on set looking her makeup-free, greasy-haired, baggy sweatpants-wearing finest:

• Jay Leno, on an erroneous magazine cutline reading "Host of The Tonight Show on ABC:" "It's like a headline from the future." [Deadline Hollywood]

Jay Leno is going through a sexual identity crisis. After getting in trouble with the gays for Ryan Phillippe GayFaceGate, it seems as though all the apologies and gay wedding attendances have him worried his flyover state fan base may have lost faith in his man’s man, Harley-riding rep. And in an effort to clean up that potential mess, he’s resorted to eagerly provoking Justin Timberlake into pervy chatter about the improvisational humor-challenged song and dance boy’s girlfriend Jessica Biel. To prove his macho prowess, he leaps suggestively into a tale about meeting Biel on a Jaywalk when she was just 15 or 16, and insists (twice, in fact) that all sorts of very heterosexual thoughts went flooding through his head. As uncomfortable as this clip makes us, Timberlake finds the entire ordeal a (quite literal) thigh-slapper. The pair’s respective desperate attempts at humor and machismo, after the jump.

So Liv Tyler just separated from her husband of five years and her Jolie-lipped father Steven Tyler just entered rehab for the 78th time, but in the most highly impressive of ways, the actress managed to avoid both lines of questioning during an interview with gay love lover Jay Leno by sweetly relaying stories of their incredibly “healthy” habits. After getting that boring "Oh My Gawd What Was It Like Having Your Dad Watch You Pole Dance At 16" story out of the way (nailed it, Jay!), Tyler paints a very Norman Rockwell-esque portrait of life at Casa Tyler as a child. Though we fear what the young Liv understood to be fatherly love was, in actuality, acid-tripping fatherly hallucinations involving trippy strings of floss. Watch and learn.

Everything is truly coming up roses for gay love in California this spring. The state’s gay marriage ban was lifted, Ellen DeGeneres got down on one trousered knee, and tonight, everyone’s favorite homophobic “comic” Jay Leno will put on his gayest face, prove just how much he adores boys who like boys, and attend an actual same-sex group marriage rally. As E! quotes the event’s spokesperson, “He said that he is from Massachusetts and that the sky did not fall in their state when marriage equality became the law of the land there...He wants to impress upon everyone here in California that the sky will not fall here either.” Yes, Jay. The sky will not fall on California, but we some interested parties certainly hope it falls right on top of you. More details on the event (get your fucking tickets NOW!) and the gay community’s reaction, after the jump:

• Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter blasts back at Clinton: "The responses from the former president and his camp are very saddening in their own ways. Characteristic, but nevertheless shocking." [Observer]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week (depending on volume), so send them in early and often—without them, we'll surely be forced to endure another Pellicano trial! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Jessica Alba cut in the breakfast line at the Griddle Cafe.

Rumors that notorious SNL line-flubber Jimmy Fallon might replace Conan O'Brien following his move to The Tonight Show have been floating around for over a year now. But today, Fox News adds some real substance to all the chatter by boldly reporting that "it's a done deal." Debates will inevitably and endlessly ensue regarding Fallon's ability to fill the shoes of everyone's favorite red head (with all apologies to the late Lucille Ball), especially considering Fallon's lack of experience as a writer or improviser. More details from Fox on how Fallon is handling the news and when we can expect an official announcement, after the jump.

"I got dumped once while naked..." So begins the umpteenth and (we think) final televised retelling of Jason Segel's exceedingly well-practiced cock-flaunting anecdote from the set of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Seeing as he took pains to mix it up a little last night on The Tonight Show, we're almost sorry to see him step off the publicity roundabout just when his improvisatory spirit was just taking flight: "This is the first time [in my career] I might start getting recognized," he told Jay Leno. "Every person who's come up to me is staring directly at my crotch!" See? Now that's a story! [NBC]

As we put this week to bed, it's time to reflect, project, deflect and genuflect on the week that was...
· Big week for Gorgeous George Clooney. His passion project, Leatherheads,
disappointed at the box office (twice!), he was on the receiving end of a threatening phone call and his sand-loving girlfriend turned his bachelor pad into Yankee Candle outlet. Ah, who are we kidding? He can still pull digits with the best of 'em.
· Ellen Page butched it up on Leno and may (or may not!) have dissed Hanoi Jane.
· Certainly, Tom Cruise has had better weeks. MGM tried to spin Valkyrie's second release date pushback as a B.O. ploy, but we knew better.
· Artie Lange and Charlton Heston both had shitty weeks, too. Artie resigned from the Howard Stern Show and Charlton, well, he died.
· The hackiest hack that ever hacked, Uwe Boll, found himself on the wrong end of an online petition that might just end his career (fingers crossed!). Howevs, he was able to leverage the power of the internet to fight back ... twice!
· It was Musical Chairs week at Hollywood's biggest talent agencies. Bob DeNiro bolted from CAA (spurring a hilarious poison pen post from the Death Star), Nick Stevens led one of "the biggest agent migrations in years" when he bolted from UTA to Endeavor and a finch with a mean streak wreaked havoc at CAA shortly after Ashton Kutcher became the agency's newest client.
· Teri Hatcher and Clint Black learned that they're both better off sticking with their day jobs.
· After publicly (and somewhat shadily) announcing that he and his wife were victims of an alleged extortion attempt by his nanny, Rob Lowe displayed the keen ability to turn an adjective into a noun when he coined the term "false terribles."

After gleefully using Ryan Phillipe's long-ago soap role as a gay teen as an opportunity to script a few homophobic jokes at the actor's expense, Jay Leno is still bruising from the backlash. Even the release of an official apology on behalf of NBC has yet to deter the soon-to-be-unemployed talk show host from woefully expressing his regret. At last night's premiere of One, Too Many, Leno spoke out against any rumors that the Stop Loss star and him are on the outs, saying "He's terrific...No, we talked about it before. We're friends. I mean, it's a talk show. That's what you do." So talk shows these days are merely forums to say "dumb things" for a halfhearted laugh or two? News to us! [People]

Despite her "power lesbian" publicist vehemently lashing out against all those pesky lesbian rumors, Ellen Page still has her work cut out for her when it comes to convincing us she doesn't (even on occasion) prefer girls. The Smart People star appeared on Leno last night to obediently promote the film, and even though Page got slightly more gussied up than usual in a tight-ish dress and heels, her inability to cross those legs comfortably coupled with an imitation of what someone looks like "lifting weights in the sunshine" did little to disspell our suspicions.

Remember when you were in high school and used to dreamily stare at the sexy magazine spreads (pun intended) of whomever your crush of the moment was? Well, apparently The View's Sherri Shepherd still does this, but she takes the whole process a bit too far. After Jay Leno introduced her as the second slot guest after David Beckham on The Tonight Show last night, Sherri proceeded to spend the next four or so minutes crushing on Becks like she was a nine-year-old schoolgirl with a serious Man U fetish. Not only was there talk of Sherri putting her advanced scrapbooking techniques to work on that infamous Posh 'n Becks photoshoot but, even more disturbingly, she waxed poetically her ladyparts doing what Tracy Morgan would call "a high-five" to a visibly nervous David's manparts. That's one view we'd prefer never to see. [NBC]

The Tonight Show host apologized for his Ryan Phillippe interview fiasco: "In talking about Ryan's first role, I realize that what I said came out wrong... I certainly didn't mean any malice. I agree it was a dumb thing to say, and I apologize." [People]

After comments about Ryan Phillippe's role as a gay teen on One Life to Live earned Jay Leno more attention than any picket line-crossing or old car-driving ever could, the late night host has issued an apology. In a statement released to People, Leno takes the classic "I'm sorry you misunderstood me" route, saying:

Conan O'Brien was the lead guest on The Tonight Show last night, and he graciously left behind his tape measure and fabric swatches, while Jay Leno kept his passive aggressive put-downs of his scheduled usurper to a comfortable minimum. Among his entertaining anecdotes, Conan recalled the time he hosted the Emmys of two years ago—before Fox got their cracked-out claws into them, and transformed the ceremony into a one-ringed-circus presided over by Master of Women's-Footwear-Identifying-Ceremonies Ryan Seacrest. Describing the tense scene from the wings, Conan recalled an increasingly desperate stage manager giving a live play-by-play of the Charlie's Angels diva-feud that could very well have altered the course of Aaron Spelling Production cast reunion history forever.