It was too much to ask, but in the legends of television, Heather Locklear has been endowed with the powers of a superhero. And now we finally know, even even Amanda can't ride in to save us from ourselves.

This week, Jim Behrle's Kartoon Kats solve Afghanistan and NBC. Also: blue alien bazongas in 3D!

Before Howie Mandel hosted a show where people opened briefcases to win money, he was the voice of one of the cutest Saturday morning cartoon characters of the mid 90's. That voice made an appearance last night on Leno.

In their quest to reshape television, NBC passed a critical milestone on the way to the primetime experiment's end this week — ratings fell below their own ridiculously low benchmarks to judge the show's success. Now the format's being reworked.

• Comcast and GE have reportedly agreed that Jeff Zucker will remain the CEO of NBC Universal as part of their proposed $30 billion joint venture. Well done, gentlemen. Good to see things get started on the right foot. [Reuters]
• In related news, Zucker's totally brilliant plan to move Jay Leno to 10pm is paying off beautifully. Leno sank to a brand new ratings low last night. [NYT]
• Anita Dunn, the White House communications director who started the administration's war with Fox News last month, is stepping down. [WP]
• Hey, it's not all bad news for Condé Nast. Self is doing pretty well. [WWD]
• The creators of Will & Grace are working on a Twitter-inspired show. [THR]
• The nominations for the 2010 People's Choice Awards were announced today, just in case you happen to be care about that sort of thing. [LAT]
• Aerosmith is looking for new lead singer, in case you're job-hunting. [LAT]
• George Lopez and Wanda Sykes' debuts this week scored solid ratings. [NYT]
• Simon Cowell made $75 million last year, earning him the top spot on Forbes' list of primetime's top-earning men. Ryan Seacrest exploded in tears when he heard he came in No. 3 with $38 million. Or so we'd like to think. [Forbes]

• Comcast is "close" to a deal to take control of NBC Universal. [NYT]
• Scripps Networks, which controls the Food Network and HGTV, is close to taking over the Travel Channel for the low, low price of $1 billion. [NYT]
• The critically-acclaimed cop drama Southland is coming back. Although NBC canceled the show, TNT now plans to air the remaining episodes. [LAT]
• It's been a rocky road for Jay Leno since moving to 10pm, which may explain why he says he'd go right back to his old time slot if NBC requested it. [B&C]
• Oprah has signed on to narrate a new Discovery Channel nature series. [NYT]
• Universal Music is bringing in a successor to CEO Doug Morris. [BW]
• The Jackson doc This Is It was No. 1 at the box office this weekend. [THR]
• Did you know that in the '80s, Sue Simmons used to knock back a couple of cocktails and hit the clubs before the 11pm newscast? How scandalous! [NYO]

It's not a good sign for your experiment in reshaping the face of network programming when the experiment's centerpiece muses aloud that, yeah, maybe things were better the way they were before.

Tina Fey was supposed to be a guest on Leno tonight. She wasn't. Was all this just a ploy to increase Leno's ratings in the lucrative Men, 13-34 "has good taste in comedy" demographic? He could use it.

You've got to feel for NBC TV's newish chairman Jeff Gaspin; not only does he take the wheel amid the Mother of All Media Typhoons, but he inherits it from a Captain hell bent on steering directly into an iceberg.

Martha tries to spruce up Jay's ratings, Ed Norton joins Jimmy Kimmell, while most other hosts take the week off. What a bunch of deadbeats! We've got your rundown of what to watch tonight.

• The New York Times says it will cut 100 newsroom jobs, or roughly 8% of its editorial workforce, via buyouts and/or layoffs. [NYT, NYO]
• The Condé Nast cuts continue today at Wired, Glamour and Lucky. [Gawker]
• The bad news for NBC: It's facing blowback from its affiliates over Jay Leno's 10pm show. The good news: MObama is booked on Leno this Fri. [LAT, AP]
• Meanwhile, Vivendi, NBC and Comcast are inching along in their respective negotiations to hand over control of the network to Comcast; and former News Corp. exec Peter Chernin has signed on to advise the cable giant. [NYT, WSJ]
• CBS News paid tribute to late 60 Minutes creator Don Hewitt today. [AP]
• Ticket sales were up big this weekend. As expected, Where the Wild Things Are came in No. 1 at the box office with $32.5 million in sales. [LAT, THR]

The ones most likely to suffer in NBC's plan to replace big budget shows (what people historically come to networks for) with a schedule of cheap-o chat shows are the local affiliates. Now they're getting angry.

Did you know 30 Rock returned last night? Don't worry, no one did, because currently the only person watching NBC is Jay Leno's mom. The ratings sucked, but the show itself was great, especially when taking swings at NBC.

It's a day to bring back the old in Hollywood: last week's TV shows, yesterday's stores and TV stars from a decade ago are lining up for their reboots. If they can make Batman fresh, why not Chandler?

Jay Leno's relying on skits starring Kate Gosselin and panels with Arianna Huffington to fill time. The consensus is a resounding "meh." Give it time? Don't tell that to NBC. "Comedy on the left, Leno on the right," notes GoldenFiddle.

Waiting for the return of NBC cop drama Southland? Well, don't hold your breath. Production has been shut down and the completed episodes canned. Why? The short answer: Jay Leno.

• The gloves are off in the divorce between ex-model Stephanie Seymour and mogul Peter Brant. He claims she blows through $257,000 a month (including $50K a month on clothing alone); has been stealing and/or smashing some of his "pricey art objects"; has a history of abusing drugs; and has been bringing her boyfriend to the house. Team Seymour has yet to respond with its side of the story, but you can be sure it's going to be equally salacious. [P6]
• In other news of warring exes, Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook are back at it. Cook's lawyer says Brinkley violated the couple's divorce settlement and should go to jail because of it. Brinkley's team says it was Cook who is at fault and he should be put in jail. At least they agree on one thing! [NYP]
• Madonna supposedly has real estate brokers hunting for an apartment for Jesus Luz, since she's not ready to have him move in with her. Meanwhile, ex-husband Guy Ritchie has finally gotten around to responding to Madonna's comments that he's "emotionally retarded." In an interview with Esquire, Ritchie responded, "I still love her. But she's retarded, too." [Sun, Esquire]
• Did you know that Dina Lohan has a "celebrity" shoe line called Shoe-Han? She does! And it will be unveiled today at Trump Plaza. Exciting! [P6, People]

Letterman got busted in a sex scandal, and of course, it was great fodder for his late night competition and contemporaries. Leno, Fallon, and Bill Maher all took shots. Video after the jump.

• Comcast denied the rumors yesterday, but it now appears the cable giant is involved in talks to take a controlling stake in NBC Universal. [NYT, NYT]
• It hasn't been smooth sailing for Jay Leno since his primetime show debuted—ratings have been slipping and the critical buzz has been lousy—but now it looks like NBC has another problem to worry about: CBS and ABC have both been actively discouraging their stars from appearing on the show. [LAT]
• Bravo reports it's developing solo series for three of its reality TV stars: Bethenny Frankel, Christian Siriano and Top Chef's Fabio Viviani. [Variety]
• Meanwhile, Logo is casting its gay version of the Real Housewives. [Gawker]
• Maybe the magazine industry isn't dead, after all: American Media plans to launch a new bridal title in early 2010 called Shapebride. [WWD]