You might recall that developer and Democratic bagman Charles Kushner, father of new New York Observer owner Jared Kushner, was sentenced to two years' incarceration for "18 counts of tax evasion, witness tampering and illegal campaign donations," not to mention hiring a hooker to seduce his brother-in-law, thus punishing Kushner's sister for cooperating with investigators. However, our crowded penal system can only hold so many billionaires, so Kushner the elder has been living at a Newark halfway house, with an expected release in "late August." If Charles Kushner does indeed walk early (we're assuming he's getting parole, time served, etc. — heard anything?), we hope he gets a column at the Observer. He could tell us about life on the inside, and all the twisted schemes he had to create just for survival's sake. Just like in Prison Break, only with work release and movie night.

He's not carrying any of the old sacks of dead weight experience that a lot of publishers carry with them.

Getting sweaty about your crush on The Kush but not sure how to make your dreams come true? Mediabistro may have the answer:

• Jennifer Aniston's publicist denies Us Weekly's report that Aniston and Vince Vaughn are engaged, but he's made a lot of false denials before. Wait, does this suggest that publicists are merely paid liars? No. Can't be. [Us Weekly]
• Maxim's girl of the day: Floyd Landis. Ain't she a looker? [Maxim]
• New Observer owner Jared Kushner puts in 20-hour days. Doing what? Marveling at his fortune? Showing off how freakishly tall he is? [OAN]
• Old man Larry King drives like...an old man. [TMZ]
• After 20 years of sobriety, Robin Williams falls off the wagon and into rehab. It's the circle of celebrity life. [AP]
• Pity the Harvard freshmen who get Kaavya Viswanathan as their student advisor. Though she surely could offer guidance on how to get that creative writing assignment quickly completed. [IANS]
• NB to beauty bloggers: do NOT trust Allure. They will take your words regarding your favorite mascara, and they will destroy those words. No respect. [Beauty Addict]
• Is E! gossip Ted Casablancas getting the Star Jones treatment? We hope not, 'cause Giuliana certainly isn't any Barbara Walters. [Media Mob]
• Mel Gibson loves the girls in Philly. A little too much, perhaps. [PhillyNews]
• PowerHouse Books starts a magazine featuring content from PowerHouse books, creating an "indie media clusterfuck." Ooh, the clusterfucking means they're mainstream now. Congrats. [Animal]
• Our Los Angeles brother Defamer imagines the TomKat-n-Suri photoshoot for Vanity Fair. Chilling. [Defamer]
• Contrary to popular belief, keeping kosher does NOT protect you from tapeworms. [NYT]

The following just came in over the transom (haha, get it?):

• Bono buys into Forbes, filling the "Sanctimonious Media Mogul Twat" position recently vacated by Ted Turner. [NYT]
• Dishy Jared Kushner wants to do things that are "exciting and respectable." Just like Bono! [NYM]
• Has Men's Health supplanted Maxim as the nation's best-selling newsstand men's mag? Rodale says yes, Dennis denies. Either way, we're pretty sure of who's still ahead in the all-important "incarcerated" demographic. [WWD]

This morning's revelation The Kushner Kids all have a piece of the pink paper lead us to wonder about the other members of what's turning out to be the Wayans family of New York media. Do they have any proficiency with the press? Will they change the tone of the periodical?

If we may, let's go back to new Observer owner Jared Kushner. In the Sun's article today about Kushner's real estate ventures uptown, there's an interesting little something slipped in there: "Mr. Kushner said his partners in the real estate venture include his siblings, Dara, 27, Nicole, 23, and Joshua, 21, all of whom have minority interests in the Observer."

Jared Kushner, the 25-year-old real estate scion who just purchased the Observer for $10 million, isn't putting his property lust aside for the sake of the sassy salmon paper; the Sun reports today that Kushner and his siblings are planning on purchasing 22 residential buildings north of 96th Street. Kushner wouldn't reveal specifics, but looking at his business dealings in Somerville, Massachusetts, we're guessing that the buildings are "very neglected" and ripe for Kushner's renovations. Not that we have any idea, but if any of the buildings are residential and not rentals, one might safely assume that Kushner will put his money into flipping the properties and selling some nice new Harlem condos. Should that be the case, a 25-year-old kid ruthlessly pushing out the locals could be the perfect Observer story.

• The people have spoken. [Animal]

• Are Madonna and Guy Ritchie headed towards a divorce? And is floating such rumors part of new Observer owner Jared Kushner's hip-and-cool mandate? [Daily Transom]

• Speaking of J-Kush, homeboy was definitely not a team player last night when he missed the Observer's very first softball game, which they won over the alpha-males at Trader Monthly. Too bad three interns died from dehydration before the fifth inning. [Daily Transom]

• Today's Post, summed up in a single sentence: "Mel, Mel, Mel, do you mind if we call you sugar lips, Mel?" [NYP]

• We suspect former Sun columnist Pranay Gupte lives for little more than a soapbox; here's why he got fired from that other job. At least it doesn't involve signing your co-workers up for a dating service. [Pranay Gupte]

• And back to Madonna again, whose next reinvention will be in the form of Angelina Jolie. [Time]

• OMG CRISIS HEAT CLOSES TRADER JOE'S NO THAI LIME & CHILI PEANUTS FUUUUUCK! [Curbed]

• Mel Gibson provides the perfect opportunity to get wasted on company time as a part of an "investigation." A round of tequila shots in the name of journalism, please! [TVNewser]

• Just another tea party bay-by, two doped-out preppies going cray-zy. [You Tube]

Metro scores an interview with the new owner of the Observer, 25-year-old NYU law student and real-estate scion Jared Kushner. We have to hand it to the lad; everyone may have their doubts, but he has an excellent business plan:

Over at Slate, media critic Jack Shafer takes time away from reviewing meth-use statistics to give a little advice to recent Observer purchaser Jared Kushner. It's pretty innocuous stuff: Beef up the real estate coverage, don't be afraid to try new things, the web is your friend, etc. But the best part is in the middle, when Shafer, who writes for an organization which has sent so many reporters off to 43rd Street that it may as well be considered a New York Times Triple-A affiliate, offers the following:

In keeping with our coverage of the Fabulous Life of Jared Kushner, the 25-year-old son of disgraced Jersey developer Charles Kushner and spanking-new owner of the Observer, we've a confirmation on the identity of his girlfriend. She's Laura Englander (Brown '03), daughter of Wall Steet demigod Israel Englander, who runs Millennium Partners, the $5 billion hedge fund that has attracted the attention of Attorney General Eliot Spitzer. And when this adorable young couple makes love, they do so on piles and piles of pillow-soft cash.

As a sign of solidarity with Hova, new Observer owner Jared Kushner has released the following statement:

Lurking 'neath the sexy Patrick McMullan watermark (someday we'll spring for photo rights, seriously) is a happy scene from the days of Radar magazine's 2.0 period. That's our favorite alleged massage fan Jeffrey Epstein at left, and Radar honcho Maer Roshan at right. In the middle is a young lass captioned only as Adriana; presumably not a sex slave, she might be model Adriana Lima (feel free to correct us) is mostly likely model Adriana Mucinska, whose name turned up in some of Epstein's trash collected by police investigators. At the time this photo was taken — during the May 2005 relaunch party for Radar — Epstein was allegedly doing his sex-tinged massage thing, and though he didn't know it yet, was already the target of a criminal probe regarding same. Maybe buying into a magazine with at least nominal coverage of salacious celebrity stories wasn't the best idea, but fortunately for Epstein, the conflict evaporated with Radar 2.0's demise. Still, why do rich men who somehow possess reputations as both private recluses and also relentless pussy-hounds find themselves inexorably drawn to media, when such investments are often both unprofitable and embarrassing?

This morning's news of the Observer purchase got us wondering: Just how far does ten million bucks really go in this town? We assembled a crack team of experts who put together the helpful chart you'll find after the jump.

From left: Ami Pomeranc, son of hotelier Jason Pomeranc Ami Pomerantz, we believe; newfound media golden boy Jared Kushner; an unnamed young lady believed to be Kushner's girlfriend (name, please!); and the random dude who's supposedly a former roommate.

After hemorrhaging about $2 million per year and failing to sell itself to Robert De Niro, the Observer has found itself a baby daddy: Jared Kushner, a 25-year-old NYU law student and son of formerly incarcerated Jersey developer Charles Kushner, has purchased the paper for under $10 million. Today most of the staff should be meeting their boy wonder for the first time; Kushner sent the following email to his new toys last night:

So it is Drudged, so it is done. A 25-year-old law student just bought the Observer. Let that sink in. Stare at your hands. Take a deep breath. Now piss on your resume and shoot yourself in the head.