♦ It's the question that has been keeping you up for days now: Where is Alex Rodriguez going to spend Thanksgiving? First it was reported that A-Rod planned to stay in New York. Now People now says he plans to have dinner with his ex-wife and their two kids in Florida. But Madonna is on the scene, too! Maybe in the spirit of the holiday, they'll all just join together and be thankful for what they have? Kidding! [People, TMZ]
♦ The parents of Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal are broke, apparently. [P6]
♦ Did Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really get married in Mexico or was it just an elaborate publicity stunt? [AP]

Because there is no morning so terrible that it cannot be rendered less terrible with some one-on-one time with Jake Gyllenhaal in a cleavage-enhancing under-chemise, we bring you this ET footage from the set of Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time—a Jerry Bruckheimerian extravaganza the superproducer says will be cinema's greatest headdress-and-scimitar-heavy triumph since Lawrence of Arabia. If you listen carefully, you can hear smacking sounds coming from the reporter as she gets her first taste of Jake's "convincing" accent (like the hunky love child of Peter O'Toole and Helen Mirren), then later observes, "There's been so much buzzz about your physeeque!" There certainly has been—some of it emanating from Defamer HQ as worker drones vigorously rubbed their wings together to this photo. Though it doesn't open until May 2010, we can hardly wait to check out Jake's vast array of camel-gadgets.

You may recall that about six months ago, we posted a Photoshop contest winning entry featuring the inspired casting of Javier Bardem as everyone's favorite Prince of Dark Chocolateyness, Count Chocula. We said at the time that we'd definitely shell out for such a movie were it ever to be made, and threw out the suggestion of Philip Seymour Hoffman and Jake Gyllenhaal to play his monstrous kiddie cereal cohorts, Frankenberry and Boo Berry.Just in time for Halloween, the same digital artiste who conceived the original has sent us his rendering of our proposed dream cast in the breakfast mascot roles they were clearly born to play. Seriously—we don't mean to toot our own horns here, but Jake channels his delicious inspiration right down to those half-cocked eyebrows, wonky smirk, and sleepy boo eyes. What are you waiting for, Hollywood. Poor some milk on this sucker and make some magic happen!

Click to viewBoomp3.com After a lunch date with a good friend, Four Christmases star Reese Witherspoon went in for a kiss since she felt the meal went well. However, Witherspoon’s companion gracefully glided Witherspoon to her cheek. The companion said, “Lunch dates get the cheek. Now, take me to Katsuya and maybe I’ll reconsider the lips.” [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

♦ Now that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially split, the focus is now on her relationship with Alex Rodriguez: Some say he knew that the separation announcement was coming, which is why he's been "lying low" in a five-star Beverly Hills hotel for the past few days. [Us, NYP, E!]
♦ How's Guy doing? Don't worry about him: He could walk away with as much as $250 mil. in a settlement since he and Madonna never had a prenup. [NYP]
♦ A sex tape starring Peter Cook and Diana Bianchi may be out there, although Cook's lawyers are still saying he has "no knowledge" it exists. [P6]
♦ David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have officially split up. We're as shocked as you are [E!]
♦ Raffaello Follieri didn't just swindle adults. He also tricked a 15-year-old girl by promising to get her Anne Hathaway's autograph and then never coming though. Now she's suing him. [NYDN]

♦ Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky are getting married tonight. Mark Consuelos, the husband of Kelly Ripa, is presiding over the ceremony. So if you have no plans and you'd like to see this bizarre menagerie of people for yourself, please show up at Le Cirque on East 58th Street. [P6]
♦ Despite rumors, Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she has no plans to leave the View for Fox News. [E!, People]
♦ Madonna and Alex Rodriguez may have had dinner together, although both of their reps deny it. [P6]
♦ Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse are working together on a new song. Hopefully it'll turn out better than their last attempt at a collaboration, which "ended in tears." [Mirror]

An Important Drama like Brokeback Mountain has been many things to many people since its release three years ago, but who knew it was a budding franchise? Not only is the cowboys-in-love tale going opera, but ardent internet fans continue to sequelize the film with fan fiction, side stories and improbable follow-ups. Why, even Defamer has gotten into the act — Ang, the rights for "Ennis and Jack's Outrageous UFO Adventure" (above) are still available. Call us! However, there's one person who finds these add-ons downright Jack Nasty, and she's Annie Proulx, the tale's original author. As she told the Wall Street Journal:

Correct us if we're wrong, but didn't Reese Witherspoon, y'know, win an Oscar just a few years ago? We're pretty sure she did, but you'd never know it from this poster for Four Christmases, the upcoming comedy she stars in with Vince Vaughn. Despite the fact that Vaughn fired UTA and his manager after the star vehicle Fred Claus opened to less than his first $20 million paycheck, the poster still gives him first billing over the Oscar-winning, A-list Witherspoon (and for another Christmas movie, no less!). To be fair, Witherspoon's last film Rendition was a box-office bust, but she wasn't top-billed on that, either: new beau Jake Gyllenhaal was, despite the fact that he's not yet proven himself as a box office draw. After winning the industry's highest award and proving her ability to single-handedly open a comedy with films like Legally Blonde and Sweet Home Alabama, what more does Witherspoon have to do to be called first in the billing block?Is it simply that studios are too terrified to give a woman first billing over a male star, lest people then think the film to be a chick flick? After all, Vaughn's last hit was The Break-Up, the rare romantic comedy with strong male appeal, something that marketing folks might have felt was in jeopardy had costar Jennifer Aniston been first-billed. Four Christmases isn't a romcom but a flat-out comedy, but would it be perceived as the former if Vaughn was subservient to Witherspoon in the billing block? Yes, when compared to Witherspoon, the presence of Vaughn in this film makes us more likely to see it (though still? not very likely), simply because the actor has a track record of enlivening even the most formulaic films with his improvised comic riffs. Still, we wonder just how B- and C-list you'd have to go to find a male costar whom the studio would allow Witherspoon to supplant. In an alternate Four Christmases, could the actress vault over Colin Farrell to claim first billing? Or will she have to settle for a part opposite Freddie Prinze Jr. to claim what, by rights, should be hers?

Click to viewBoomp3.com Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dog: Hey Reese, do you know when Jake is getting back? Reese Witherspoon: Uh….What? J.G.D.: My dad, Jake. Do you know when he’s coming home? (Witherspoon removes one of her ear buds) R.W.: Sorry. I couldn’t hear you there. Listening to Bob Seger. (Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dog nods his head.) J.G.D: Gotta love the Seger. I’m more of a Springstein fan. Anyways, I asked if you knew when my dad was getting back? I kind of miss him. A lot. R.W.: Well, mommy misses him too. J.G.D.: Wait…whoa..wait. You’re my mom? R.W.: Well, I’m working on it. I don’t want to jinx myself though. J.G.D.: So, no idea as to when he’s coming back home? Can he get e-mail out wherever he is. R.W: Oh yeah. We do that iChat thing with the cameras all the time. He looks great. Tan and all buff. You’d be impressed. J.G.D: So, you’ve been talking to my dad all this time? Not fair. Not fair at all. R.W.: I didn’t know you were so concerned. You’re just usually licking yourself or sleeping, so I wasn’t sure. I will let you talk to him the next time we talk, okay? Photo Credit: Flynet *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer star Michelle Trachtenberg showed off her recent purchase from Malibu's most trendiest new boutique, "Un Jake Pour Vous." The high end boutique's mission is to help women turn their current boyfriend into their own personal Jake Gyllenhaal. Storeowner Maggie Fenech felt that creating a store to help women in making over their man was long overdue. Fenech said, "When I was trying to change my boyfriend's wardrobe after a year of being together, I was running all over the place. Sure, I could've gone online to pick up everything, but you need to touch and feel the fabrics. So, here we are with a store full of Gyllenhaal approved threads and facial hair growth kits."

Before we conclude the Defamer Day of Beefcake, we'd like to make it a threefer: hence this picture of shirtless, Middle Eastern megastar Jake Gyllenhaal squiring girlfriend Reese Witherspoon on the set of Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time — which we last learned would be pushed back a full year to Memorial Day, 2010. Now that shirtless photos have emerged of Gyllenhaal's newly buffed-up body, we think that news will be greeted with the delayed, heart-rending cries of protest it deserves. Says Just Jared:

• Mary-Kate Olsen is the last person federal investigators want to question before they close the Heath Ledger case. But the 4-foot-11, 90-pounder is refusing to talk unless she's granted immunity from prosecution. [NYP]

· The Ivy Chronicles, a Sarah Jessica Parker project about an "upper-middle-class New York mother" who loses it all, has signed The Devil Wears Prada writer Aline Brosh McKenna take on the screenplay. And we just grew a set of ovaries typing that. [THR] · The Prince of Persia, Disney's Bruckheimerian take on the popular video game series starring Jake Gyllenhaal as the shirtless, saber-wielding warrior, has been delayed by a full year. Excuse us for one moment, will you? THERE IS. NOOO. GODDDD!!!! OK! Back! [Variety] · Nicolas Cage and director John Carpenter are close to signing on for Scared Straight, about a wayward teen held hostage during a jail riot who turns to prisoner Cage for a way out. Cage agrees, but not before making the teen his bitch. [THR] · Thomas Jane will play the lead in HBO's pilot Hung, an hour-long "dark comedy" about a man with an enormous manhood, and all that that implies. And we think you know what we mean. Yes, we thought so. [THR] · Speaking of ubiquitous Dicks, Dick Wolf's pilot Lost and Found has been picked up by NBC. It involves law enforcement and crime-solving of some kind. [Variety]

Ah, the buzz cut: that sometimes-risky, sometimes-successful ‘do usually sported by male celebrities when it's required for a role in a military/secret agent/futuristic film or because they need a quick way to change their public image. But no matter what their reasons are for taking the razor to the scalp, the look has roughly a 50/50 chance of working. Two of the most recent stars to shave it all off are Jennifer Aniston arm candy John Mayer and new member of the Movie Press-Generating Lawbreakers’ Club Josh Brolin, and while Mayer irritatingly manages to pull the look off despite his big head ego, Brolin’s close cut reveals a bit too much skin. Which immediately made us reminisce on buzz cuts of the past, both the bad (Hey, Jude), the good (pre-Scientology Tommy C.), and the very ugly (Attack Of The Killer Umbrella-Bearers):

Yet another actress is sounding off on how urgently they needed to slim down after giving birth, and unlike sourpuss Jessica Alba or wine-guzzling Gwyneth Paltrow, this is a chick we actually like. Beginning the rounds of press for her role as Katie Holmes’ Replacement in the highly anticipated, potentially Oscar-adorned Dark Knight, Maggie Gyllenhaal tells USA Today how she speedily dropped all her baby weight before stripping down for some racy Agent Provocateur lingerie ads:

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

• Lovebirds Uma Thurman and Arpad "Arki" Busson are engaged. The Swiss financier gave her an enormous ring (so big that Uma "can't fit it through the sleeve of her coat"), which Uma promptly showed off to friends at a party Thursday night and they're now planning the wedding. [NYDN]

A vague and incredibly mysterious blind item in today’s NY Daily News initially gave us a headache because not a single “groovy”-like hint was included:

• Anne Hathaway's ex, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested yesterday, as you may have heard. Things haven't improved much behind bars. He's already been hospitalized (he collapsed) and tested positive for drugs (opiates). His lawyer is still in the process of rounding up the $16 million he needs to make bail. We can just imagine the awkward convo he's having with Anne today. [NYP]

Bad news for film fans but delicious news for those of you who love DVD extras: David O. Russell's political comedy Nailed has been shut down again, for the fourth time. As per Nikki Finke, the trouble-plagued production "was shut down by IATSE on Friday for the same reasons as before: crew not getting paid," though Variety reports that filmmaking is scheduled to resume today for two more days of principal photography. As enticing as the film's synopsis sounds (Jessica Biel has nail shot into her forehead, becomes nymphomaniac) we must concur with Hollywood Elsewhere's Jeff Wells, who'd prefer to skip straight to the making-of documentary where the mercurial O. Russell calls Biel a string of nasty names she hasn't heard since Ruthie hit puberty on 7th Heaven.