It was kind of sad when Michael Douglas' son Cameron was arrested for trying to smuggle a half-pound of crystal meth. So it's an order of magnitude sadder that Cameron's girlfriend got busted smuggling heroin to him in jail.

Billionaire convicted sex offender Jeffery Epstein is now a free man. He did his 12 months for hiring underage prostitutes, and left jail this morning. So who visited Epstein in jail? His alleged "sex slave," an "extreme fighter," and more!

Bernie Madoff is adjusting comfortably to life in the North Carolina hick prison which will be his home for the rest of his days. He can take the bad food and the shitty job; but one thing makes Bernie weep.

Cops busted the teenage punk behind a Fight Club-aping Upper East Side Starbucks bombing that was like a bad issue of Adbusters come to life. Well, happy endings: he got what he wanted in prison: punched. Also, Starbucks and booze?

Bernie Madoff is going to be serving his til-death sentence at Butner Federal Prison in North Carolina. Why there? Nobody knows, really! But it won't be so bad for Bernie—he'll have landscaping, environmentalism, and a hospital bed.

Perhaps he felt inspired by Mark Sanford's apology, or fears being charged with a hate crime, but something came over Perez Hilton tonight, as he took to his website and offered a self-congratulatory apology for being a heinous jackass.

The Post has a follow-up to its story last week about the Hasidic man who hosted a bar mitzvah party for his son at the downtown prison known as the Tombs. It turns out the prison chaplain, an Orthodox rabbi, also allowed the same inmate to host an engagement party for his daughter a few months later. And he wasn't the only inmate who received special treatment. Another inmate was permitted to have a satellite truck set up outside the prison complex so he could watch a relative's wedding via a live feed from Israel; other inmates were allowed access to the rabbi's private office, so they could use his "unmonitored phone to call sports bookies and criminal cohorts." The rabbi hasn't been dismissed yet; he's only been suspended for two weeks. So if you're planning to commit a crime, it really couldn't hurt to keep this costume with you at all times. Even if you don't get caught, at the very least you won't have to go shopping when Halloween rolls around next year. [NYP]

Were you under the impression that our new president had pretty much legalized medical marijuana by telling the feds to stop going after growers and sellers? Not quite!

Mayor Bloomberg says the city will launch an investigation into who permitted an inmate at the Tombs to host a bar mitzvah for his son inside the prison, an event that included catered food, 60 guests, and six hours of hora dancing. "Clearly, this is not something that should have taken place," Bloomberg said this afternoon. Should we take this as a sign Bernie Madoff's jailhouse Passover seder is not happening next year? [NYP]

Going to prison is about to get a lot less boring. The federal prison system is introducing email to imprisoned inmates! "It's a way for inmates to still keep in touch with their families and still maintain community ties," says a spokesperson for the Bureau of Prisons. Officials say that the communications will be monitored to ensure that "no convicts are trying to scam from behind bars." But does this mean that Ruth Madoff will set up an AOL account— ruthiem212@aol.com appears to be available!—so she can shoot off messages of support to her husband behind bars? Will Raffaello Follieri begin sending sad love notes to Anne Hathaway? The possibilities boggle the mind. [NYP]

Here, it's Kari "Hipster Grifter" Ferrell's mug shot from Philadelphia, where she turned herself in. Yep. You know what she looks like. Also they gave her the bail of a stone cold criminal!

Bernie Madoff's going to be locked up for infinity, but the fate of his family members is still up in the air. But guess who thinks those family members are going to prison? They do!

We can't guarantee your card will make it through: Bernie Madoff is being held in isolation at the moment, and it's unclear if isolated prisoners have access to their mail. But it's worth a shot, no? To improve your chances, be sure to follow the prison's official rules: For instance, any letters that contain money will be sent back immediately. (But you weren't really going to send him more cash, were you?) Simply print the card out, write a personal message, apply a stamp, and drop it in the mail. Just don't hold your breath waiting for him to write back. [Previously]

Bernie Madoff, the most incredibly humongous scammer that America has ever seen, has just pleaded guilty to all charges against him, as expected.

Imprisoned former press mogul Conrad Black, Baron Black of Crossharbour, spends his time in the penitentiary munching granola, answering email, and practicing piano. Rather like a resort for like-minded intellectuals, is it not?

Bush-pardoned rapper John Forte's last day in jail: "Washing and conditioning the hair that had grown below my waist added an extra 30 minutes to an already lengthy process." But he made it, thankfully. [TDB]

Just because Raffaello Follieri is sitting in a prison cell doesn't mean his legal troubles are over. Yesterday five former employees told a judge that the fraudster cheated them out of $1 million in wages that were promised to them back when Follieri's firm was "working with" the Vatican on "real estate deals." Anne Hathaway's ex wasn't in the courtroom to respond to the allegations; he participated via video hookup from Pennsylvania's minimum-security Loretto Federal Prison Camp. The worst part: the former Prada aficionado had to wear a green prison uniform for his TV appearance. Sounds miserable, doesn't it? If you're beginning to feel sorry for Raffi—or you happen to have some extra time on your hands today—perhaps you'd be interested in cheering him up with a belated holiday card? Be our guest! Raffaello's contact info is below.

Oh dear: it seems that Muntader al-Zaidi, the heroic Baghdad Shoe Thrower, is being treated just about as well as we expected in custody. But there is a bright side:

Last week, cops in Wisconsin apprehended a 20-year-old girl who worked two jobs, cuffed her, and hauled her into jail for the failure to return two library books—one of which was an Oprah Book Club selection. This week, a Maine old lady is being threatened with jail time for refusing to return a library book:It's about sex and puberty, and she deems it dangerous for kids: "I'm going to hang on to the book, your honor." Reports the Sun Journal:

This sweet-looking 20-year-old lady was handcuffed and arrested over two overdue library books in Wisconsin. We know you're wondering which books they were: "Janet Fitch's best-seller White Oleander (a 1999 Oprah Book Club selection) and Angels & Demons, author Dan Brown's precursor to The Da Vinci Code." Check out the incident report, via Smoking Gun: