Remember Jeffrey Epstein, the financier who was sent to jail for paying teenage girls to give him dirty massages? Well, he hasn't been totally bored since he took up residence at the Palm Beach County stockade in late June. In addition to emailing models in Manhattan, he's received visits from two twentysomething girls, including Sarah Kellen, his personal assistant who the police say was in charge of rounding up masseuses for Epstein as well as preparing his massage table and "oils." The other visitor? Nadia Marcinkova, "whose family in Yugoslavia Epstein paid money to so that he could bring her to the United States to be his 'sex slave,' two teenage girls told police." In fact, visiting Epstein has been something of a part-time job for Marcinkova: She visited him four times in 13 days during the month of July.

Who knew that robbing the Backstreet Boys could have so many financial rewards, on top of the emotional satisfaction? Lou Pearlman, the sleazebag boy band promoter who managed Backstreet and N'Sync, among others, has been ordered to repay $300 million to hundreds of people that he swindled in a Ponzi scheme that played out for decades. But uh, according to our forensic accounting, he might have a little trouble making full restitution:

The revolutionary information age is great and everything, but it makes crime a really big hassle. In the McCarthy era, they ran down the Reds by tracing their anti-American magazine subscriptions. Dragnet cops could storm into the library to demand a suspect's list of books borrowed. But now criminals use the internet, and its treasure trove of crime information is an equally rich source of evidence against those who access it. We've already seen a Facebook update lead to a murder-suicide. And now, the latest entrant in the annals of "Bad Things To Do Online": Google "How to kill with a knife," and then murder your wife and child:

Prodigy, the Mobb Deep rapper currently taking advantage of his incarceration to hone his blogging skills, is concerned about quite a few things: ritualistic murders, the 9/11 conspiracy, secret societies, missing children, and "NATURAL ENERGY LINES THAT CRISS-CROSS THE ENTIRE PLANET." How do these things all tie together? Allow Prodigy explain at length [Vibe], like a man with plenty of time to type and type and type and go crazier and crazier and crazier:

Prodigy, Mobb Deep's lead rapper and avid blogger, is currently locked up in Fishkill, NY. With all the time on his hands, he's been reading, writing, and philosophizing. And doing a lot of thinking about how racist the entertainment industry is. And making long, long lists of examples of racist cartoons, movies, TV shows, and advertising, and sending those lists out to be posted on blogs [VIBE]. He has a point! Can you add anything to this rundown?

pareene: omg sheila is in JAIL
nick: hunh?
nick: what?
pareene: ha! her mom just emailed me. she was picked up for drinking in public last night!
nick: and they put you in jail for that?
pareene: if they feel like it!
pareene: i mean usually no but it's not unheard of. she probably mouthed off.
pareene: ANYWAY we are not allowed to post about this, according to mrs mcclear
nick: well, someone is going to
nick: can sheila blog from jail?

Newspaper magnate, British Lord, former Canadian and convicted criminal Conrad Black, Baron Black of Crossharbour, reports today to Coleman Federal Prison in Florida to serve his 78 months for mail fraud and obstruction of justice. He wrote a lengthy, self-pitying column to the New York Sun, formerly one of his holdings, to announce that he quite loves American justice, even though he was wrongfully convicted and all that. Amusingly, Black would be serving time in a much nicer Canadian prison if it weren't for the fact that he renounced his citizenship to get that title. But he's not bitter! Not at all! Do these sound like the words of a bitter man?

Have you ever drunk lime-flavored Bacardi? Worn Timberland boots? Made a web site? WELL STOP BITING FROM PRODIGY OF MOBB DEEP YOU FAKE ASS SHOOK ONE. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION HIS TREND SETTING? It turns out that Prodigy, the soon-to-be-jailed Queens rapper, is responsible for many of the innovations in music, clothing, and the world at large, so SHOW SOME RESPECT.

Rapper, criminal, and muse of the ages Foxy Brown has been denied the early release from prison she had requested. Brown had been hoping to go to California to seek treatment for a defective ear implant. Ms. Brown was sentenced to a year in prison this past September, after violating the probation she earned by assaulting some manicurists. Spinderella remains at large. [NYT]

Has it already been 44 days since Everyone's Favorite Drinking Buddy Kiefer Sutherland won a free of charge stay at Glendale's finest all-inclusive resort? Time sure flies, we could've swore it was only 42 or 43 days. Either way, those savvy calendar counters at Entertainment Tonight remind us that Jack Bauer will be pulling a daring escape from the oppressive grip of The Man on Monday morning, probs in the early morning hours. We haven't spoken to Willard Scott yet (calls were not returned by press time), but we're betting Monday's forecast will call for a beautiful Tequila Sunrise. [US Magazine]

Score one for power publicist Mike Sitrick: he's managed to get new client Joe"Girls Gone Wild" Francis profiled not entirely unsympathetically in the Sunday Style section. Joe's still stuck in jail, in spite of having a ton of money and also a ton of friends like Quincy Jones and Greta Van Susteren who don't think he belongs there. He's being held in Reno for tax evasion, but he also faces other charges in Florida that are more along the lines of what you'd expect if you're familiar with his history of being rapey, reporter-assaulty, and Richard Johnson-friendy. But in spite of being given a bully pulpit to drum up sympathy, Joe can't seem to make his cause seem just.

BREAKING: Conrad Black has been sentenced by a Chicago court to 6 and a half years in prison for defrauding shareholders and pocketing millions of dollars. [AP]

One-time media baron Lord Conrad Black is being sentenced this morning in Chicago. He's expected to get anywhere from four to 12 years in a minimum security prison for his convictions on fraud and obstructing justice. [Globe & Mail]

Trailing the troubled starlet jail-time land speed record set by Nicole Richie in August of this year by two minutes, Lindsay Lohan checked in and out of the the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood this morning in a still-respectable 84 minutes, after being denied parole at the 37-minute mark. By the time the broken actress was retrieved mid-push-up from her solitary confinement cell, its walls covered in bundles of striked-out scratches counting down the long minutes to her release, any remnants of the Lindsay we knew were all but drained from her once vibrant, if glassy, eyes. We've included the notorious cokepant-wearing Denalijacker's mugshot, in which she looks suspiciously full-lipped and tan for someone on the inside; then again, it's amazing what you can accomplish by bribing a guard to punch your in the mouth and bathing in smuggled orange Kool-Aid.

Nicole Richie's even more delicate than usual condition couldn't keep her out of the slammer. She's been sentenced to four days in prison and a fine of $2,048.

Our Correspondent for Chefs In Local Jails reports, "Today Chef Neroni was processed at the 76th Precinct on Union Street in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn. His lawyer accompanied him. Can't confirm all the details." We can! We called the Deputy of Public Information who confirmed that Jason Neroni, until recently the chef at Porchetta, had indeed been arrested and charged with petit larceny, a class A misdemeanor. It seems that Marco Rivero, Neroni's ex-employer at Porchetta and the Montague to Neroni's Capulet, knew what he was talking about when he claimed there was a warrant for Neroni's arrest after all. Mr. Rivero, of late markedly unenamored of Neroni, might have something to do with the claims even! Defined as the theft of less than $1,000, the charge carries a penalty of up to a year imprisonment. As of this writing, Mr. Neroni is still in the 76th.