Another Iranian nuclear scientist was killed today by a magnetic bomb attached to his car. Iran blames the U.S. and/or Israel, but couldn't this have just been an accident? Who hasn't had a magnetic bomb attached to the underside of their car at one time or another?
There's been so much hoopla surrounding the Republican primaries, what with debates and caucuses and attack ads and Super PACs, that it's easy to forget there's a great big world out there. On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart checked in on Iran and the latest news on their uranium enrichment program. They claim it is for research purposes, the United States doesn't agree, and then there's that all that nasty business about blockading the Straight of Hormuz and sentencing Iranian-Americans to death for spying. It's like living in a sweeping epic that probably won't have a Hollywood ending.
It's hard to imagine that Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, and Rick Santorum were hoping to be days away from the Iowa caucuses and spending most of their time attacking Ron Paul, who just so happens to be crushing them all. But here they are, and boy howdy are they spitting hot fire at this crabby old doctor-paleolibertarian! Here are some highlights.
Iranian students stormed the British embassy compound today, possibly taking hostages (who may have later been freed), and, in a brutal blow to the British psyche, stealing those two great symbols of the United Kingdom: a picture of the Queen, and a Pulp Fiction poster.
Earlier this week we learned that Iran and its pal Hezbollah had caught dozens of CIA spies who always met at a super-secret Pizza Hut in Beirut (using the super-secret code word "PIZZA" to communicate meeting times). Now an Iranian parliamentary leader says that 12 of the spies have been arrested and jailed in cells where they're fed nothing but bread sticks and water.
The CIA has basically lost its network of spies in Lebanon and suffered a major setback in its efforts to infiltrate Iran, all because it screwed up basic tradecraft—including communicating with spies on trackable cell phones and using the indecipherable code word "PIZZA" to denote planned meetings at a Beirut Pizza Hut.
The Iranian football federation has scrutinized controversial footage of Persepolis defender Mohammed Nosrati (below, left) squeezing teammate Sheis Rezaei's (right) firm buttocks following a goal during the Persian Gulf Cup, and ruled that the two players be fined $40,000 each and "banned indefinitely from all football activities for committing immoral acts."
You know how on Wednesday the the Obama administration accused Iran of planning the assassination of the Saudi ambassador on U.S. soil, leading to a renewed call for sanctions against the country? Turns out that "hard evidence" of the Iranian government's involvement in the plot "is scant." But don't worry! U.S. officials have analyzed the situation and think it's "more than likely" that at least a couple important people knew about the conspiracy.
If there's one guy in the world who knows something about populist protests, it's Iran's supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Today he said the Occupy Wall Street protests will bring American capitalism to its knees.
In a scenario that sounds like a right-wing fever dream, the Justice Department today filed a criminal complaint against two Iranian men—one a member of the nations ultra-secret Quds force, another who has dual Iranian-American citizenship—of trying to hire a Mexican drug gang to assassinate the Saudi ambassador in Washington, D.C.
"A verdict has been issued for Marzieh Vafamehr," the declaration went. "Sentence is a year in jail and 90 lashes."
Shane Bauer and Joshua Fattal, American travelers who spent two years of an eight-year sentence in Iran's notorious Evin prison for hiking near the wrong border at the wrong time, were back on U.S. soil on Sunday. The two men, both 29, emerged from their plane on the JFK tarmac at 11 a.m. surrounded by loved ones, including Sarah Shourd, the third hiker arrested with them (and Bauer's fiancee), who was released in September 2010. Bauer and Fattal later delivered statements at a press conference, but took no questions.
You know how you know you're probably a miserable, murderous, Middle East tyrant? When Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls you up and says, "Bashie? Mahmoud here. Oh, good, good. Azam and the kids are terrific! Thanks for asking. Listen, Bash, I absolutely adore your work. You know that. Great stuff. There's no one who can brutally put down an uprising like you can. Oh, stop, you flatter me. That? That was barely an uprising! That was, like, two undergrads with a Tweeter machine and a little tear gas. No, but you. You're the man. You can't see this, but I'm high-fiving you right now! Ha ha ha! No, but listen hear me out for a second here. Maybe you should think about turning down the dial a bit on this whole 'mass-murdering of your own people' thing? What? No! Not too much! Never too much. But you know how the Westerners are. They're all 'barbaric' this, 'unarmed protesters mowed down with gunboats' that. Oh crap! I'm late for my two o'clock gay hanging. Can we pick this up tomorrow? You got it. Send my love to Asma. Saw the Vogue spread. Fabulous."
It was an old-fashioned gay lynching in Iran on Sunday morning, as the state executed six inmates by hanging at the Karound prison in Ahvaz, in the country's southwest region. According to Iran Human Rights, three of the six were sentenced to death for "'unlawful' acts and acts against Sharia," based on "the articles 108 and 110 of the Iranian Islamic penal code." Articles 108 and 110 of the Iranian Islamic penal code are the ones dealing with gay sex.
Without presenting any evidence whatsoever to back up their claim, Iranian authorities have sentenced American hikers Joshua Fattal and Shane Bauer to five years in prison for spying for the United States. And you thought American justice was bad!
Iranian government officials are loving the riots in Britain. In a flurry of statements over the last couple of days, lawmakers have attacked the police response and said they'd like to send human rights observers to London to keep an eye on events there. Iran's Majlis are even thinking about closing the British embassy in Tehran.
The Iranian government, which last year banned the mullet, calling it a "decadent western [hair]cut," is reportedly deploying some 70,000 literal fashion police to enforce the newest style Dos and Don'ts of the "moral security plan." For women, this means no more loose-fitting headscarves, tight jackets or exposed leg skin; for men, no necklaces and no shorts. (Also, no "glamorous hairstyles.") Last year, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad voiced his disapproval of the recent crackdown; earlier this year, the Iranian parliament attempted to ban dog ownership. [The Guardian; image via AP]
