Hillary Clinton delivered a rousing five-minute speech at a rally yesterday in Iowa, thrilling fans who were only there to see Demi Lovato anyway. And the reviews are in:

On Wednesday, Carly Fiorina just happened to give a speech on the dangers of abortion and organ harvesting in front of a group of small, bored-looking toddlers. One of the many problems with that scene, say the kids’ parents, is that she liberated them from a school trip without permission.

Earlier today, official Trump supporter Sarah Palin reportedly did not show up to a Trump rally in Iowa as planned. She seemed to deny that anything is amiss, however, in a Facebook post this afternoon. “Trading in the beautiful snow of Iowa for the red dirt of Oklahoma as planned, despite what the media is try’s no to spin up!” she wrote, in near-English. “Thank you Iowa - get out and caucus on February 1st!”

One of the four Ben Carson campaign workers injured in a car accident in western Iowa on Tuesday has died, the Des Moines Register’s Jennifer Jacobs reported on Twitter. The male volunteer, Braden Joplin, was 25.

In Iowa this weekend, Talking Points Memo reports, registered voters began receiving robocalls in which Jared Taylor, spokesman for the white supremacist group that Dylann Roof cites as inspiration in his racist manifesto, implores citizens of the state to vote for Donald Trump.

The Rose Bowl, a college football game traditionally played on New Year’s Day, is a celebration of American regionalism. Historically, it pitted the champion of the Midwest’s Big Ten Conference against the champion of the Pacific Coast Conference (or its successors). The arrangement has been modified and undermined by conference realignment and college championship schemes, but most years, the premise still holds: two teams representing separate places with separate histories and cultures, West Coast versus heartland.

Martin O’Malley: probably not the next American president. Politico reports that one (1.00) human individual person attended his campaign “event” in Iowa yesterday, and that person isn’t even onboard.

“Had a record crowd in Boone, Iowa,” Donald Trump captioned a photo taken in Ames, Iowa, and uploaded to Facebook, with the student section at Saturday’s football game between Iowa State and Iowa Universities. Wrong on both counts!

Granted, this isn’t exactly Marco Rubio’s fault. No matter how old you are, if you’re going to run out for a pass, you should probably at least be able to prevent it from hitting you in the face. That said, “eager young kid unable to come through on the big stage” is a decent metaphor for Rubio’s career in national politics.

Police confronted an Iowa Taco Bell employee and his alleged accomplice outside of a Taco Bell around 5 a.m. Tuesday morning. What were they doing there before breakfast but after fourthmeal™? Cooking meth, or something?

AMES, IOWA—Abortion. Abominable gays. And god’s abiding dislike of the current Democratic administration. Hey 90s kids: remember 1996? Remember the Culture Wars? They’re back.

Some competitors thrive on being the underdog. Some find humor and vigor in humiliating setbacks. And some are just glass-jawed failure artists, their piled losses more befitting than any theoretical small victory. Rick Santorum is the latter, having reached mediocrity’s apogee while eating lunch alone on Monday.

An Iowa man says an oil company offered him the services of a “$1,200 teenage prostitute” if he agreed to let them run a crude oil pipeline through his land. Crude oil indeed.

Governor Terry Branstad declared a state of emergency for Iowa on Friday, citing risks from the rapidly spreading bird flu outbreak, Reuters reports. The announcement was made after officials identified the virus’ presence at four new poultry farms. Iowa is the third state to declare a state of emergency, after Minnesota and Wisconsin did so in April.

Charles Manuel, a former Lamoni, Iowa chiropractor, had his license suspended last month by the Iowa Board of Chiropractic after they learned he had traded sex with clients for his chiropractic services and allegedly performed exorcisms on some patients.

This weekend, sentient rotting pumpkin time-lapse Donald Trump visited Iowa for the Freedom Summit, "a launch point for conservative ideas as we head towards 2016." There he spoke on a variety of topics, chief among them why the Republicans who might run for president are shit and he's great.

Iowa state representative Henry Rayhons, a Republican, was arrested over the weekend for having sex with his mentally incapacitated wife after a judge instructed him not to. Police told the Des Moines Register that Rayhons "abused his wife in May at the nursing home where she lived." Donna Rayhons suffered from Alzheimer's disease, and she died earlier this month.

So here are some things to know about Ames, Iowa, based on this adorable and rather ridiculous video called "Hooray for Ames!" which I swear is not a clip from Parks & Recreation. Ames has very clean water. Commutes to work are no longer than 20 minutes. There are 36 "recreation areas." The spring is mild. Did I mention the water?