The precocious and progressive young students of Swarthmore College are currently urging their school to completely rid itself of any investments in fossil fuels. The school pointed out that this move could potentially raise each student's tuition costs by $13,000 per year. Is there any way to make divestment work?

In 2012, the hedge fund Clive Capital lost 8.8% for its investors. In return for this negative performance, the fund paid its top partner $33.5 million.

The Dow is at record highs. Are you happy? No, because you are probably broke. And almost half of you people don't even own any stocks at all. Why?

In 1999, James Glassman and Kevin Hassett—two men with actual academic credentials—published the most hilariously wrong investment book of all time, entitled, quite hopefully, "Dow 36,000." (Highly recommended reading for humor value!) The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed on Dec. 31, 1999 at 11,497—but the authors, for a variety of reasons much too complicated for you to appreciate, postulated that it could hit 36,000 within "between three and five years."

The Dow Jones Industrial Average is currently at its highest point in history. Never before has the stock market been this valuable, uh, not taking inflation into account. As the media piles in and investors celebrate, the question of the day is: Is it now "time" to buy stocks?

Ever since the New York Stock Exchange was founded in 1792 amid the horse poop and scurvy of lower Manhattan, Ye Olde Stocke Prognosticationists have stood ready to predict how stocks would to in each upcoming year, in order to make YOU wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. And now, 220 years later, it is still not any more possible to predict the future of the stock market than it was then.

Corporate executives at public companies are allowed to buy and sell stock in their own company—but they are not allowed to buy and sell stock in their own company based on nonpublic information (information that they would know, but that the average investor would not). That would be insider trading, which is illegal. So why do executives seem to do far better than average when trading their own company's stock? HMMM.

This morning, a press release hit the wires of PRWeb, a paid press release distribution site, saying that Google would be acquiring the tiny company ICOA Wireless for $400 million. ICOA's stock, which trades at fractions of a penny, briefly quadrupled in price after the press release hit. Media outlets (including our own Gizmodo) reported the story as fact, and investors immediately piled in. But very shortly after the release hit the news, it was denied by both parties, and outed as a fake. How did this happen?

The Dow fell 243 points today. Buy the dip, people. Dip, shawty, dip.

One thing you can do on Friday, at the end of the day, when you have a couple free minutes, is to pick up the phone fire all of your "financial adviser" and "investment consultants" and anyone else who takes money from you in exchange for recommending investments to you. Then just buy some low-cost index funds in a mix of stock and bonds, and then go to bed, because that is what smart people who don't like getting hustled do.

Good news, relatively speaking, on the jobless front today, as the U.S. unemployment rate slid under 8%, its best number since January of 2009. Jobs are returning (a little). Consumer confidence is up (for now). Is it time for YOU to put your money into the stock market, that great engine of American prosperity?

Congratulations, investors: the Dow Jones Industrial Average today hit its highest level since December, 2007. We're right back to pre-recession levels. It's as if the past four years never happened.

For a while we had a recession. Then we had a "recovery." Now, we're just sort of floating along in the Economic Maybe Zone. Just believe whatever you want. Are we all doomed to crash again?

Thanks to that little European bailout agreement, the markets went absolutely bazonga today! The Dow's up nearly 3%! The Nasdaq was up 3.3%! The S&P was up 3.4%! At this rate, all your investments will have doubled by Thanksgiving! Can't we bail out Europe every day?

In the future, things will be very slightly different. In the future, things will be worse. The future is now.

In 2008, when the global economy collapsed, the Bush administration hilariously appointed 30-something Republican ski bum and Ferrari-loving Goldman Sachs alum Neel Kashkari as our nation's "bailout czar." It was America's worst job, and everyone hated him. He fled as soon as reasonably possible for the friendlier confines of private enterprise.

It's Thursday, meaning that the United States financial markets are collapsing again. The Dow is down nearly 400 points already today. Why so negative, everyone with money?

All you investors with your crazy research and economic "theories": You should just be reading Twitter! Derwent Capital, a hedge fund that bases its investment strategy on Twitter data, outperformed the market in its first month.

The stock market is bananas. Why bother? There are plenty of other places to put your money. Which type of investment is right for you?

For those who thought that today's noontime stock market malaise could have reversed itself with an afternoon rally: the Dow just closed down 512 points on the day. That's well over 4% of its total value. It also means all of the gains for this year have been erased. And it ranks as the ninth largest single day points loss in history.