Women: can we talk about your flaws, for once? I mean really. Hey, how about the way women drive? Have you seen this? Totally outta control. Science, can I get some backup here?

The American empire took another small step towards its inevitable fall this morning as the S&P cut its outlook on the nation's credit rating to "negative." The chance that our national credit rating will be downgraded from its current AAA rating some time in the next two years is now "at least one-in-three."

Nothing loves disaster more than gold prices. Thanks to the unspeakable devastation in Japan, gold prices rose once again today, and investors have high hopes that they'll just keep on rising for the foreseeable future.

"What can you learn from the top performing stocks of 2010?" Since that headline is in USA Today, the answer is automatically "nothing." The bigger question: can we learn anything from any stock market forecast, at all?

The stock market is positively sizzling today, as Wall Street's optimism pushed the Dow to a two-year high. Sounds tempting, eh? Before you wade in with your wallet, consider this short list of "Do's" and "Don'ts." Consider it now!

The Way We Live Now: putting on our best suit, looking you square in the eye, and instructing you to do something. That "something" is to get back into the stock market, immediately. We expect our advice to be followed.

The Way We Live Now: sharing the wisdom. We don't need any eye-opening crisis or life-threatening illness to prompt us to share with you, the consumer, all of our accumulated economic wisdom. All we need is boredom. Bingo, let's go.

The Way We Live Now: dancing naked. Forever, hopefully! Of course we know that the music stops eventually. But before it does, we need a new house, a new portfolio, and a new economy. And junk food, on a train.

The Way We Live Now: In public. Public offerings, that is—initial ones! Are you "in" on the latest IPO, or are you twiddling your thumbs, letting inflation eat your precious nest egg, to death! Lively up yourself!

The Way We Live Now: Wackily. What is life but risk by another name? We're betting our pensions! We're quitting Wal-Mart and Burger King and wearing crazy bedazzled shoes! We're living in style, for we all shall die! Soon.

The Dow Jones is already up nearly 150 points this morning, as everyone who made a resolution to invest for the new year piles their money into the market. Savvy finance sharks will take advantage of this onrush of dumb money, sending the market plummeting downward in the near future. And then there's that whole recession thing, which is still not over. So basically, sell now.

Bernie Madoff's pitch to his investors, for decades: He offered high and consistent returns. The reason those investors are now getting sued: He offered high and consistent returns. Believing his sales pitch was criminally idiotic!

These are troubled times in the magazine industry. Reed Elsevier announced today that it is selling its mag publishing division, which includes Variety and Publishers Weekly, in order to reduce exposure to "cyclicality" in ad markets. And bad news for any editors looking for employment at Meredith: their president, Jack Griffin, says "We don't hire editors any more. We hire content strategists." Hope they teach that at Medill! But the real question is, is the magazine industry actually changing as quickly and perilously as business types seem to think?

Sort-of reality show "The Hills" is still keeping MTV alive! And its evil semi-star Spencer Pratt may be a prat but he is one smart cookie. When Heidi Montag, his inamorata, returns from lunch with Jenny, Spencer is sitting on the couch reading The Intelligent Investor: A Book of Practical Counsel, Benjamin Graham's classic 1949 guide to value investing. There's even a foreword by Warren Buffett! Anyway, according to Heidi, "Jen [Bunney] was telling me [Heidi Montag] that Lauren [Conrad] was saying Brody [Jenner] says that it was all Spencer [Pratt] who was spreading the sex tape rumors." (That would be the famed sex tape of Lauren Conrad and her once-and-current boyfriend Jason Wahler.) Pratt was once Brody Jenner's "manager-slash-publicist-slash-agent- slash-stylist! Deflection time! "He's such a little bitch!" says Pratt. Sure. Did Pratt fuel speculation about Conrad's sex tape? Almost certainly! But more importantly, was it a sound investment?