A new study finds that a mere 0.07% of mutual funds were able to stay in the top 25% of funds for the past five years in a row. This is the zillionth piece of evidence pointing to the fact that you, the average jerk, should just buy cheap index funds and leave them alone.

Stock market pros say the "dumb money" is flooding into the stock market now, even as professional investors say the big gains are mostly over. Yeah... you'll show them who's dumb. Buy high, sell higher!

The U.S. stock market is too expensive right now by virtually every measure. It is not the greatest time to buy, but then again, you should not sell, either. Just chill.

Yeshiva University poured more of its endowment into hedge funds than any other school of its size. Yeshiva University managed to lose more than a billion dollars. These two facts are related.

If you have ever needed a clear, simple demonstration of the fact that the financial advisory industry is, to a large extent, a hustle designed primarily to soak you for as much money as possible, here it is.

Bidding on a single lunch with Warren Buffett currently stands at $350,300, and will go much higher—two years ago, the price was $3.46 million (which goes to charity). Here, we'll save you $3.46 million: "Buy index funds."

Hedge fund manager David Tepper warned yesterday that the stock market is "dangerous right now," and advised against betting on its rise. Today, the markets are down sharply. And that's how David Tepper made $3.5 billion last year.

David Einhorn, one of America's most prominent hedge fund managers, is betting against hot tech stocks, saying "There is a clear consensus that we are witnessing our second tech bubble in 15 years."

Nobel prize-winning economist Robert Shiller explains his proprietary strategy for investment optimization: "You buy low-priced stocks and sell high-priced stocks."

Each year, Warren Buffett—a folksy folk who has built a $60 billion fortune on pure folksiness—writes a letter to shareholders that is prized for its folsky wisdom. This year, he shares some news that even you, the poor average bastard, can use.

Hedge funds, sophisticated financial vehicles using strategies that can—whether the market is up or down—enrich hedge fund managers, are now allowed to advertise to the public. Problem: they suck at it. Can we help them?

The stock market, which will never go down, fell another 326 points today.

Stocks fell a cool 190 points today, after falling by similar amounts both Thursday and Friday of last week. Is now the time to buy? Is now the time to sell? Is now the time to stand idly by, ignoring the unknowable short-term fluctuations of finance? Perhaps.

Most Americans have scant hope of saving enough money to support themselves in retirement. In his State of the Union speech last night, president Obama proposed a new retirement plan for workers called "myRA." It's not an IRA. It's not a pension. What the fuck is it?

Well, this is terrifying.

In a development that can only be described as shocking as well as startling, a proposed Noah's Ark Theme Park in Kentucky is having some financing problems. Do we have an investment idea for you!

Last year, the stock market rose to its all-time high, where it still sits. The S&P 500 index was up almost 30%—the best performance in decades. Still, most Americans view stocks as an inferior investment to magic beans.

The best-performing stocks of 2013: Tesla, Netflix, Best Buy, and Twitter. Hurry up and invest in these high fliers as they fly higher and higher and higher, and never lower!

Our condolences to all the high fee-paying hedge fund investors out there. Better luck next year.

At the same time that vast majorities of investment professionals say that bubbles are forming in parts of the stock market, Americans are pouring more money into the stock market than they have since the first tech boom. Don't worry though baby, they'll pull out in time ;).