Talk about a shitty Monday. Yesterday a woman at the D.C. General Services office went to use a toilet when it exploded and injured her. She was rushed to the hospital. Was it because she was going to take an inappropriate office poop?

Jeopardy host Alex Trebek arrived at the National Geographic World Championship, which he was hosting, on crutches today. Apparently he fell while "chasing a burglar" at 2:30 am at his San Francisco hotel and snapped his Achilles tendon. Hm. I'll take improbable explanations for $800. Also, what is: ouch. Jeopardy jokes! [ABC 7, photo via Getty]

A 39-year-old woman in Hamilton, N.J., was engaged in what the police describe as "extracurricular activities" (mock trial, maybe?) at Ahavath Israel cemetery when a falling tombstone injured her leg. The injuries were not serious, and the cemetery decided not to press charges, but two things stand out to us: One, the woman and "a male friend" were visiting the grave of "a relative" when they decided to get down. And, well, we're not against graveyard sex, per se, but we think people should stick to graveyards where their relatives aren't buried, out of respect.

Two girls were hurt in Arizona over the weekend when the inflatable castle in which they were bouncing was carried away by a sudden gust of wind and deposited on the roof of a neighbor's house. One of the girls is still in the emergency room with serious head injuries, apparently in "serious but stable condition"; the other seems to have escaped with only minor injuries. In the future, please, remember to properly secure your enormous air-filled castle; but remember that wind is not the only danger threatening your bounce house-occupying children: Last year, California's attorney general filed a lawsuit over high levels of lead in bounce-house vinyl. [ABC15; KOLD; stock image via Shutterstock]

Diet drug failure! Dogs sniff cancer! Tonsil weight gain! Fantasy camp aging! Workouts destroy marriage! HIV teen pregnancy! Nevada hates children! And table saws kill! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health.

What's the most efficient way to dislodge a bullet stuck in your head? By sneezing it out, of course! Which is exactly what one Italian man did over New Year's.

Not a great month to be Hugh Jackman's body. Here, playing cricket, he takes a hit to the groin served from one of the game's greats, Shane Warne. This would make Hans Moleman proud.

Hugh Jackman, the world's most famous living Australian, was injured today while taping the second of Oprah Winfrey's four shows from Syndey. He tried to zip line from the top of the Sydney Oprah House and crashed instead.

President Obama's lip has quickly healed from his terrible basketball injury, which required 12 stitches to repair. His lips are once again both supple and divine, so you can stop worrying. Phew! Click to see an extreme close-up, perverts.

Miner diet! Nutrition labels! Hispanic lifespan! Diet clothes! Broken backs! Dope drugs! And walking minds! It's your Thursday health watch, where we watch your health—and chew gum, simultaneously!

And the Academy Award for Best Fake Injury Goes to... Derek Jeter! During Wednesday night's Yankees/Rays game, Jeter acted as if a pitch had stuck his hand. He even writhed in pain! Too bad it never hit him. Video inside.

In an Early Show exclusive interview, Harry Smith interviewed the German sideline reporter who took a soccer ball to the dome. With the clip on a constant loop, Jessica Kastrop explained how this makes a head-shot hat trick for her.

Teachers: they're just like us! When they want to get out of a test, they just pretend they fell down the stairs, then take four days off. And it all would have worked if it weren't for that cursed camera.

"South African woman ruptures throat in vuvuzela contest," reports Agence France-Presse. Before we knew what "vuvuzela" meant, that sentence about a lady in Cape Town would've been funny. [AFP, via]

Injuries are nothing! Soda is nothing! Ab rollers are nothing! Our quote of the day will strengthen you! It's your daily fitness watch, where we watch fitness—while deadlifting properly!

An injury on TLC's Emergency Level 1 is usually so traumatic, so outrageous, it simply must be televised. Terrifying, puss-filled gunshot wounds, near-death horse-and-buggy accidents, and of course, infections from wearing slutty cowboy boots to Vanderbilt football games.

Paula Deen is great at making cheesy ham and banana casseroles. She is not so great at catching out of control careening hams flying towards her at high velocities. Ouch.

Haha no that is just a joke about the last time he quit something, back when we all hoped he'd got to jail. No, former House Majority leader Tom DeLay is quitting the TV dancing show because he hurt his widdle foots.

Funnyman Jay Leno "cracked" (call me, Jay) some "jokes" last night about Conan O'Brien's head injury. Maybe Conan knocked himself out just so he wouldn't have to watch Jay Leno, on NBC television! That's as funny as the actual jokes.

Diane Keaton fell and bumped her head on the set of her new movie, Morning Glory, in Battery Park City this morning. She was taken to the hospital for tests, but she didn't sustain any serious injuries, so she'll be back at work tomorrow. Which is great news for Keaton because, as Ryan O'Neal has discovered in recent days, the media can only accommodate a certain number of celebrity deaths at any one time. [AP]