Now this just doesn't make any damn sense: A hunting group based in Dallas will be auctioning off a permit to kill an endangered black rhinoceros, to raise money to save the endangered black rhinoceros.

Sexually obsessed tabloid persona Andrea Peyser customarily writes her column by feeding her cat large quantities of GHB-laced Fancy Feast, and then allowing it to wander over her keyboard. Still, today's is even more laughable than usual. Who would have thought that a racist white lady would lionize a black Republican? Oh, everybody!

For the first time, investigators are speculating that the $6.6 billion in cash we lost in the wake of the invasion of Iraq may have actually been stolen.

It's clear that the federal government's absurd war on Wikileaks broke free of the bonds of reason weeks ago, but this State Department memo issued today serves as a nice reminder: Staffers can't read Wikileaks cables on their "personal time."

Sarah Palin followed up on her "cojones" remarks on Hannity yesterday by saying Obama's "in over his head," "quite complacent," and "in flux," much of which is "a result of him not having much experience." What about happy birthday?

Haiti? Old. The deficit? Boring. America's most important news story today: The fat Jets coach flipped the bird to the camera. Could this be the most inane New York Post cover of the decade thus far? It does have competition.

The perhaps-secessionist Texas governor refuses to compete for $700m in stimulus money for education. Because he thinks it "smacks of a federal takeover of our public schools." Good one Rick. You've really got one over on the man. [AP]

Oh goodness. I'd hoped for a good clip to end my Fox & Friends "coverage", and the video team has delivered. Today the pompadoured earwigs were discussing America-hating Bill Maher. Why doesn't he leave and go to France?

For all the media fetishists in the house: Sharon Waxman wrote an excruciatingly facepalm-worthy report about what eating breakfast at NYC media-commissary Balthazar is like. Please go back to LA, and don't take my soft-boiled eggs with you. [HuffPo]

See, Barack Obama speaks to white people like this: "Hello whites, let's talk about budgets!" But he talks to black people like this: "I'm Barack from Chicago, (fist pound)." Politico is racist, for real.

Lee Abrams looks like Dunkin Donuts' Fred the Baker without his hair dye. But Fred the Baker got up every day to make donuts, and that's the type of old-style thinking that Lee Abrams is here to destroy! Abrams is the "Chief Innovation Officer" (LOL) of the dying Tribune Company, and also the man who says the most mystifying (and sometimes infuriating) things you will ever hear about the newspaper industry. All the time. Seriously. ""I just try to inpsire people to rethink things," Abrams declared yesterday. "There's no reason we can't create a newspaper renaissance." Ha. Here are ten of Lee Abrams' stupidest "NOT IRRELIVENT" inspirational messages:

So Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton's doughy chief strategist, finally got booted from the campaign last weekend. The majority of her campaign team hated him for some time, so his departure will be welcomed by insiders. They felt that his strategy was unsuccessful, and they were right. But the specific reason for Penn's departure was his idiot move of meeting with the Colombian government, in his day job as CEO of massive PR firm Burson-Marsteller, to represent them on the opposite side of an issue from Hillary Clinton, while running her campaign. And you know what? This moment was inevitable. The very idea of having a man simultaneously running a presidential campaign and an international PR firm is stupid, and never should have happened in the first place. You fools!

Next time you need a little quick cash to incentivize the lightly-scrupled internist who provides your medically unnecessary Adderall prescription, think twice before heading down to your local sperm bank. You may be reduced to chewing coffee beans to get through your day when the kid you didn't know you fathered forces you to pay his college tuition. [WNBC]