Immune cancer! Alpha males! Child naps! Hospital sepsis! Kidney disease! Erectile cure! More diabetes! Designer drugs! And you won't want to miss today's fruit that will kill you! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—opioidally!

How the hell did 20,000 sensitive patient records from Stanford University's hospital end up posted to a college tutoring website for almost a year? It looks like some lazy billing company employee uploaded it themselves.

Drinky ladies! Fewer smokers! Cheaper hospitals! Zombie mutants! Frozen athletes! Gay health! Cancer survivors! Pregnant painkillers! And you don't need no blood thinner girl, you look fine! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—relatively painlessly!

Melanoma cure! Cancer treatment! Expensive drugs! Flaxseed fail! Risky gays! Wrinkle bones! Smoking bans! Swiss prostitution! And ER hang-out shocker! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—pusillanimously!

Glitter star Mariah Carey gave birth to twins—a girl and a boy—on Saturday, her fourth wedding anniversary with her husband, the guy from All That. Neither child has yet been named. Like most expecting parents, the couple drove to the hospital in their Rolls-Royce Phantom; according to Carey's publicist Cindi Berger, Cannon "was so nervous he went to the wrong department at the hospital." Carey is apparently "done" with having children. [AP]

The ongoing War on Smoking, having already eroded your inalienable right to smoke in various public locations of your choice, is taking things to a whole nother level: they are going to quite literally blacklist smokers, refusing to hire them and even mandating piss tests for tobacco, to ensure that smokers remain unemployed, depressed, and smoky.

Imagine having surgery to remove kidney stones without pain medication? That's what happened to a man in Minnesota last November after a nurse, Sarah May Casareto, shot herself up with the dose of fentanyl meant for him. According to the police report obtained by the Star Tribune, Casareto told the patient pror to surgery, "You're gonna have to man up here and take some of the pain because we can't give you a lot of medication."

Laurie Shifler got so mad when the hospital said they couldn't allow her husband to photograph the actual birth of her eighth child, Kaelii, that she started a petition. "It's about our rights [to baby-in-vagina photos]," she says. [NYT]

Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah is the worst. "Bomb Iraq," he tells us one day, "bomb Iran" the next. What a jerk! And now he's rented himself an entire New York hospital wing to recover from surgery, while everyone else dies.

A new father in Pennsylvania lit a joint in the local hospital's smoking section to celebrate his child's birth. He told security, "I'm having a baby and wanted to get a buzz," which seems reasonable, if not responsible. [via LehemSteel]

Charlie Sheen was discovered at the Plaza Hotel this morning naked, drunk, and in a trashed hotel suite with a "damaged" chandelier. (Swinging from the ceiling?) Hospitalized with ex-wife Denise Richards by his side, Charlie said he'd been "out partying."

Nurses: can you trust them? Of course not. Don't be a fool. Sure, they may save your life; but if you think they're not going to gossip about you on Facebook afterwards, you're naive. It's been documented!

St. Vincent's Hospital in Greenwich Village officially shut down last April. They even boarded up the ER. Yet a tipster took this photo of the St. Vincent's windows just a week ago. Scooby-Doo: where are you?

Big surprise: Amnesty International says North Korean health care "is in shambles," with doctors sometimes performing amputations without anesthesia, working by candlelight in hospitals with no power. So, try not to be in a mandatory-amputation situation in North Korea. [AP]

Yes, bedbugs are annoying little fuckers. They give you little bites, and make you wash all your clothes and maybe throw out your old couch. If they force a temporary shutdown of Hollister, that's fine. But they're god's creatures too.

Dick Cheney has been released from his most recent hospital stay, alive.

E. coli-infested food! Metal-infested drugs! Fancy-infected doctors! Whooping-infested coughs! Harlem-infested hospitals! And liver-infested poop! It's your lifesaving Health Watch, where we watch your health—while infested with wisdom!

Horse therapy! Lettuce addicts! Healthy men! Bodega diets! Church workouts! Nursery cake! Food mockery! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—while snacking voraciously!

The Way We Live Now: Precociously. Our spending habits place us in rarefied company. We may not have money for hospitals, but we certainly have enough money to ensure that luxury does not die. Priorities, friends; priorities.

The Way We Live Now: Falling apart. Here are the things we currently lack: food, health care, and food, as well as money. What we do have, though, is our eye on the British. And we don't like their looks.