Hope you don't injury yourself or have to go to the hospital for some reason. A new study indicates that the average waiting time at emergency rooms in New York—288 minutes, or nearly five hours—is among the longest in the country. [Crain's]

The 85-year-old Tonight Show sidekick and enormous check courier has been laid up in serious condition with pneumonia and other ailments, his rep announced today. And just when he was having a Cash4Gold comeback.

You would think that a 24-hour medical clinic in the middle of Manhattan would be full of people all the time, but at the new, round-the-clock facility in Chelsea operated by Beth Israel, only four patients showed up between 10pm and 6am the night a New York Times reporter was there. At least you know that the next time you're awake at 4 in the morning wondering whether that thing on your leg is a malignant melanoma, a flesh-eating virus, or a mosquito bite, you can find out without subjecting yourself to hours in the ER. [NYT]

US News & World Report's annual hospital rankings come out on Monday. The local winners? NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital ranks sixth on the list of best hospitals in the country. The Hospital for Special Surgery was number one in orthopedics, Memorial Sloan-Kettering ranked second in cancer care, and Mount Sinai earned third-place for geriatric care. [NYS]

Ha. After everyone on the internet watched Glenn Beck's nutty, rambling YouTube video about his mysterious surgery, we all forgot to watch his damn show on Monday. Turns out it was hemorrhoid surgery. Or as Beck referred to it, "ass surgery." The drug cocktail that sent his mind into the heart of darkness? Morphine, Toradol, Fentanyl patches, Percocet every three hours, and a synthetic morphine drip. Which explains the YouTube clip, sort of, but certainly not his outrage. Where is this hospital, in a William Burroughs novel? [HuffPo]