The Way We Live Now: Falling apart. Here are the things we currently lack: food, health care, and food, as well as money. What we do have, though, is our eye on the British. And we don't like their looks.

Many people don't believe that America, the greatest country in the history of our current solar system, has problems with hunger. Those people are so wrong, we just want to lock them in a shed for a week with nothing but seven saltines and then see how they feel about hunger, hm? The truth is that one in five Americans couldn't afford to buy food some time in the past year. And that figure skyrockets if you redefine Americans as Haitians.

The point that you need to take home to your well-appointed kitchen and "marinate" upon, to use a "loaded" term that ain't a baked potato, is that you have it pretty good here in America, if you're one of the luckie duckies who gets to eat food nearly every day. Which is not to say that you also get, for example, a functioning hospital in your city, but if you had to choose between the two you'd go for the food anyhow, so complaining about it is not rational.

Is it irresponsible to speculate that hunger-induced dementia caused Americans to grossly exceed their self-imposed holiday budgets last year? Indeed. Irresponsible speculation—unlike a stout appetite for war—is not a virtue we seek to cultivate among our fellow citizens. If you need motivation to better yourselves financially, friends, just look to our enemies across the Atlantic: the Brits have officially emerged from their recession. Every dollar they make now can go directly towards men-o-war and hardtack supplies. The evil empire readies; save your pennies for the fight!

[Also save food.]