Lance Armstrong is perhaps America's biggest dick. He is a complete and total fraud, a misogynist, and a gross human being. Banish him from this green earth.

If you were wealthy enough to afford your own private jet, probably the last thing you would want to do is stock it with things that reminded you of Abercrombie & Fitch, right?

Get to know Jack Wu, a God-fearing Christian man running for a seat on the Kansas Board of Education.

Cute new tat, Breezy! Except that from far away, it looks a little bit like a smudge. And when you get closer, the smudge starts to look like a skeleton from Día de los Muertos. And then, when you get even closer, it really comes into focus: This appears to be a tattoo of a battered woman, one that might very well resemble the infamous, horrible photo taken of Rihanna's face soon after then-boyfriend Chris Brown beat her in a car.

Some awful person in a San Diego neighborhood taped a turtle to several large balloons, and then let go. Eventually the flying turtle became stuck in a large tree, where a neighbor spotted it.

Meet Alex Pelling and Lisa Gant.

When Adam Carolla sat down for an interview with the New York Post to promote his new book, it was probably supposed to be a no-brainer—at least in the easygoing, non-clusterfucky way. Carolla used to host a Comedy Central show about taps, tits and trampolines, and the Post pretty much targets the same demographic, with bonus exploding-Hajji content thrown in.

The last thing I wanted to do on Memorial Day was think about soldiers. As Chris Hayes discovered, there are no good outcomes to examining American soldiery with more than one opinion: Awesome!

Have you heard about North Carolina's Amendment 1? Like California's Proposition 8, this measure would amend the state constitution to define marriage as being between one man and one woman — but it would also ban gay civil unions and domestic partnerships.

Last week, writer John Derbyshire gained fast notoriety for a shockingly racist article "The Talk: Nonblack Version," in which he regurgitated a lot of tired racist stereotyping under the guise of "public safety" for white people. The immediate outrage did not go unnoticed — Derbyshire was fired from his job as a columnist for The National Review.

We've been so busy talking about the Trayvon Martin case that we've ignored the "real victims" — innocent white people living in Sanford, Florida. Rest assured, these honest folks are now being taken care of by a patrol of armed Neo-Nazis preparing for a "race riot."

Yesterday political web magazine Taki's Magazine published a stunning work of overt racism by John Derbyshire, a man so racist (and sexist) that even his colleagues at the National Review think he sucks. In Taki, Derbyshire offers the "nonblack version" of "the talk" that some black parents say they give to their children, warning them how to survive in a racist world.

The message boards of UrbanBaby.com are home to some of the most self-loathing, wealthy, haughty, and miserable parents in all of America. Or are they? Even to our keen internet eyes, it is sometimes impossible to tell whether an UrbanBaby poster is a rich person, or a troll impersonating a rich person. Can you help?

On Sunday, a 24-year-old Florida woman filed a police report that accused domestic abuser Chris Brown of "snatching" her iPhone from her outside of Miami's Cameo nightclub.

Rihanna is currently working on "Birthday Cake (Remix)," due out soon, and who better to feature on the track than Chris Brown. Forget that he once violently beat Rihanna, resulting in injuries police called "horrific," for there are Birthday Cakes to remix.

Commonly acknowledged worst living mouth-breather, Chris Brown has struck gold again. According to US Weekly, the belligerent singer has refined his pick-up lines so that they are more, uh, relevant.

Chris Brown, domestic abuser and generally awful human, keeps doing this awkward thing where he reminds us how awful he is. Take last night's tweet, which he deleted soon after it was posted, as the latest example:

Donald Trump bought himself a gold-plated 757 so that he can cruise around the country and pretend like he's running for president in a desperate attempt to remain in the spotlight. Knowing how much everyone in America cares about the details of his private air fleet, Trump posted a video tour of the monstrosity on YouTube. Let's check it out.

Imagine a bargain hunter's shock and dismay when responding to an ad on Craigslist listing a bunch of possessions for sale and then receiving an email announcing that gay people, Muslims, and illegal immigrants aren't allowed to purchase the wares. Read it for yourself.

We know where Michele Bachmann stands on heterosexuality: She's very for it! At least according to the binding contract she recently signed with Jesus, in which marriage was explicitly defined as being "between one man and one woman." We also know where her husband, Marcus Bachmann, falls on the topic of homosexuality: He's firmly against it! So against, in fact, that he runs a small gay exorcism business, despite he himself being seemingly possessed by the demonic spirit of an off-duty drag queen named Big Mama. But where does Mrs. Bachmann stand on homosexuality?