· Taylor Hackford is shopping around Love Ranch—a brothel drama starring wife Helen Mirren (oooh!) and Joe Pesci (ewww!)—to studios in search of a distribution partner. [Variety] · Javier Barden has signed on for Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu's new movie, Biutiful, a Spanish-language film about "a man embroiled in shady dealings who is confronted by a childhood friend." We smell cattle bolt fumes! [Variety] · Netflix, who we dumped since they decided to start charging more to rent Blu-ray (you hear us, Netflix? That's the reason. It wasn't us, it was you. Now stop e-mailing, because we found a new rental boyfriend) has hooked up with Samsung, whose new Blu-ray player is equipped to stream their movies. [Variety] After the jump: What director does DreamWorks have on tap to fill Chicago 7 with cameos by his friends?· DreamWorks's The Trial of the Chicago 7 is courting director suitors, having met most recently with Ben Stiller, who assured Steven Spielberg he'd only go quarter-retard in his portrayal of Abbie Hoffman. [THR] · Juan Carlos Gonzalez—who'd certainly adorn any Wheaties box celebrating the Neutral Olympics—looks to be the mediator brought in to oversee SAG-AMPTP talks. We're all but certain this will enliven the proceedings, as anyone who knows Gonzalez knows he can bring even the most bitter of enemies together through the power of mime. [THR]

A Slow Burn. Time now to check in on how those pesky, protracted SAG talks are going. Hey, News Corp. president Peter Chernin—what's the latest? He told a conference in New York today that talks are going "horribly," and a strike would be "devastating to the creative community...I think it's genuinely foolhardy to think this is an appropriate time for actors to go out on strike." We doubt union blowhard Alan Rosenberg is going to sit idly for long. Look for the the remainder of the SAG strike campaign funds to be blown on a skywriting campaign announcing "CHERNIN CAN SUCK ME" above Fox headquarters [TV Week]

A Defamer operative going about his daily Rodeo Drive chores let us know about a standoff that went down this morning between the forces of good (underpaid and undervalued reality show writer-producers) and evil (Heidi Klum, and anything—sorry Tim Gunn fans!—Heidi Klum-adjacent). He writes:

In a savage coup of upstart infidels, the Unite for Strength ticket outlasted incumbent Alan Rosenberg's MembershipFirst slate in Thursday's SAG board election, thus opening a new era of moderation, peace and progress in Hollywood's rancorous labor wars. Or... not. Maybe? It's too soon to tell, frankly, with new leadership including Amy Brenneman, Scott Bakula, Adam Arkin, '05 loser Morgan Fairchild and Assaf "Brother of Sacha Baron" Cohen making up only a theoretical majority at best; studio-friendly Variety says the SAG/AMPTP squabble's days are numbered, union flunky Nikki Finke says that's "simpleton" piffle, and here in the middle, we can't help but notice that SAG's contract-negotiating team isn't changing at all. Still, we look to the future with cautious optimism perhaps best evoked by Rosenberg's concession on Thursday:

Variety reminds us today that a major! labor! crisis! remains in effect at the Screen Actors Guild, which after three months has still made exactly no progress in settling its contract quibbles with the networks and major studios. Still, if those producers aren't worried, then you shouldn't be either — especially now that AFTRA is reportedly taking over where SAG can't necessarily be counted on. To wit, after securing its own three-year deal with the majors over the summer, the union has nabbed some high-profile new recruits for the primetime season to come.

· Mad Men's second season opened to a strong start for AMC, pulling in 1.9 million aspiring womanizers and the pregnant secretaries who love them. [Variety] · The Venice Film Festival announced its slate, which will include world premieres of Darren Aronofsky’s The Wrestler, Jonathan Demme’s Rachel Getting Married, Kathryn Bigelow’s Hurt Locker, and the Coens's Burn After Reading. [Variety] · Deposed New Line potentates Bob Shaye and Michael Lynne's first post-studio-snuffing project will be an adaptation of Isaac Asimov's sci-fi epic Foundations for Warner Bros. The duo have an eye on adapting the book's sequels into a Lord of the Rings-style franchise, with Andy Serkis playing Andromeda, a kindly robot, and the speed of light. [THR] · CBS is developing a pilot for updated version of The Streets of San Francisco. We humbly request they retain those cool diagonal stripe-wipes from the title sequence. Those rock! [THR] · Mutinous SAG splinter-group Unite for Strength agrees with the current leadership that the AMPTP's offer is unacceptable, but differs strongly in other areas, such as where they'd like to order in lunch. (Koo Koo Roo, vs. the Alan Rosenberg-championed Chin Chin.) [Variety]

· The rumors are true! Darren Aronofsky will write and direct a sequel to RoboCop for MGM, with both parties hoping they can score a piece of this guy-in-a-stupid-costume-noir mania currently gripping the planet. [Variety] · A third Harold & Kumar movie is coming. Details are scarce, but word has it they will partake of the herb and refer to their skin colors a lot, and that Neil Patrick Harris will make a cameo. [Variety] · The fate of SAG leadership hangs in the balance, with splintered factions Membership First and Unite for Strength vying not just for control, but also for Most Nerdy Name That Sounds Like A Star Trek RPG Subtitle. [Variety] · Warner Bros. and Leonardo DiCaprio's production company are "quietly putting out word" that they'd like to make a feature version of The Twilight Zone. But wait! There's a twist ending to this item: Everyone has a pig snout! Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. [THR] · Comic-Con was overrun by "rabid teenage fangirls" at the Twilight panel, who rushed the stage, tore the panel apart limb from limb, and feasted on their flesh. That's the last time we let girls into Comic-Con! [THR] · MTV is developing a show based on Elizabeth Berkley's teen girl advice site AskElizabeth.com. This strikes us as a terrible idea, but we guess someone has to undo all the damage wrought by The Hills. Might as well be Nomi Malone. [THR]

With the studios' post-final-offer, post-AFTRA-vote concession of $10 million in pay raises to SAG still having failed to bring the two sides together in a starry-eyed embrace, nervous Guild delegates are beginning to wonder if their president Alan Rosenberg—"The kind of guy that would trade heated words with his own clown mother, if it meant pushing his resolutions through!" whispered some—is really the man for the job. Now, a small resistance has sprouted from inside; calling themselves United for Strength, the celebrity freedom fighters spend all night mimeographing manifestos in the basement of a Fairfax Ave. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. From the LAT:

· Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno exploits took him from Israel to Arkansas; his Sherlock Holmes adventures to come may or may not include the missus.
· AFTRA ratified its new contract, but SAG didn't let that spoil its appetite for destruction.
· Harvey Weinstein is now officially going door-to-door to finance his films. Psst! Buddy! Wanna buy a Tarantino?
· The TV Critics Association Press Tour is dead. Long live the TCA Press Tour!
· Lest major Dark Knight spoilers aren't up your alley, there's always Michael Bay's unproduced Awesome Knight screenplay to hold you over another week.
· After a long string of compatibility issues, Drew Barrymore is on the market for a Mac huckster upgrade.
· This Week In Magazine Cover Hell: Blake Lively gets the blown-out Skeletor treatment, while the pasty youths of Twilight make EW safe for chest hair.
· Here's the story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely RRRAAALLLLPPPHHHHH
· Defamer's readers joined Matthew McConaughey in welcoming a bouncing Bongo Romcom to the world.
· Meanwhile in France, stinky, salmon-devouring, "high-maintenance beetch" Angelina Jolie prepared her post-twinbirth conditioning regimen. Two words: Hula hoop.
· Pick your reality TV poison for 2009: America's Greatest Dog or The Ashley Dupre Governor Boink Variety Hour.
· We wished a healthy recovery (literally) to the rat-friendly Newsroom Cafe, and bid a fond farewell to J-Lo's slice of Pasadena paradise, Madre's.
· Have you yet greeted Tricia Romano, Defamer newcomer and social observer extraordinaire? Well? That's more like it.
· Molls ate spinach. That is all.

It's not quadrupled DVD residuals, regular cocaine rations and guaranteed work for all. However, the major studios' new concession to SAG — $10 million worth of new pay raises — is exactly what we thought might happen after SAG bludgeoned nearly 38% of AFTRA voters into opposing its primetime contract. The deal was ratified anyway, but the majors aren't taking any chances, notes Variety:

The nuclear labor plume at left is presented a little closer to actual size this morning, the start of the first full day without the specter of strike hell exhaling waves of rancid breath over Hollywood. Not that AFTRA's ratification of its prime-time contract Monday evening vanquishes the SAG threat altogether; the 62.4% tally in favor of AFTRA's deal with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers suggests that while a strike vote might fail, SAG leadership convinced probably upwards of 10,000 AFTRA members to stand down in the pitched battle between unions.

It's time to break out your SAG vs AFTRA Celebrity Turf War Map™ for an update, albeit a bit of a confusing one: Robert De Niro is the latest star to come out in opposition of a SAG strike, asserting during a press conference Saturday at the Karlovy Vary Film Festival that Hollywood has suffered enough bloodshed this year in the bargaining trenches to implode once more over residuals:

With the Hollywood StrikeWatch 2: The Actoring doomsday clock clicking into overtime, Team SAGgy (Jack! Rainn! Ben!) has reportedly asked for more time to analyze the AMPTP "final offer" they've already gone on record as saying they really, really, really hate. Team ACTRAvision (Tom! Alec! Susan!), meanwhile, are set to vote in the virtually identical contract offered their guild, the results of which will be announced Tuesday. From THR:

You could slog, like we did, through Variety's mind-numbing accounting of which actors sided with the AFTRA agreement reached several weeks ago, which are aligning themselves with the cantankerously unbending SAG, and why. But wouldn't it be easier just to look at their accompanying Venn diagram, and get some instant bearings on where your favorite stars' guild loyalties lie? To spice things up, you can also pit the two sides in a variety of competitive scenarios far sexier than squabbling over pension and health contributions and terms. Which side would win a beach volleyball tournament? A kill-or-be-killed island survival week? A dance-off? A bathing-suit pageant? (George Clooney can either be applied to both teams, or neither. Peter Bart can only participate inasmuch as he likens any particularly satisfying victories to famous U.S. wartime battles.) Have fun!

We'll admit we've been avoiding addressing the big, white, internet-clip-consent-seeking elephant in the room, so let's just get this out of the way: Today is Tuesday, July 1, 2008. Ring any bells? Yes, it's Canada Day, but the celebration of the day Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Ontario and Quebec fused into one maple-syrup-slurping nation isn't important right now. Rather, today is SAG-contract-expiration day. The AMPTP made their final offer—"worth more than $250 million" said they—and lusciously coiffed SAG-head Alan Rosenberg announced the union would be taking the day to look at all 43 of its sumptuous, residuals-detailing pages. Some characterize the mood as calm—perhaps "eerily calm," suggests the NY Times, as not a single network executive has doused themselves in gasoline and lowered a lit Zippo to their heads in slow motion, mouthing, "But weeee were jusssst makinnng gains in Girrrrls 9-15 demooooo..." before erupting into a ball of skin-searing flames. We turn now to blogger newbie Peter Bart for his showbiz veteran's take on the highly precarious situation:

Like clusters of onlookers awaiting the Vatican smoke signals that announce a new pope, all of Hollywood stirred abuzz today learning that George Clooney would finally weigh in with a letter addressing the conflict between SAG and AFTRA. And weigh in he... didn't, instead choosing a neutral stand essentially saying everyone's right and would they please just sit down and try hammering out something constructive for once? Seriously, folks:

Everywhere we've been around the LA Film Festival this week, the chatter du jour is either oversexed studio minions or how folks plan to spend their off-days during the increasingly inevitable-looking SAG strike. The latter conflict came into even sharper relief today in Variety, which published a SAG-AFTRA Bullshit Scorecard (hardly an improvement over our SAG Strike Mad Libs™, but whatever) breaking down the lies, celebrity endorsees and various other spin the unions are wielding in their steel-cage labor war:

· Anhedonic The Incredible Hulk star William Hurt brings his unparalleled work ethic to FX's Damages for his first-ever regular TV series role. [Variety]
· Live Free or Die Hard director Len Wiseman will helm the movie version of Gears of War, which he'll accomplish by pressing L2 while firing X repeatedly and holding down the triangle button. [Variety]
· Kevin Spacey will play a pothead "shrink to the stars" in Shrink. [Variety]
· SAG head Alan Rosenberg proposed an official debate with AFTRA, promising the most scintillating back-and-forth about online clip consent and jurisdiction over low-budget made-for-Internet productions in the history of inter-acting-guild debates. Yeah, this doesn't look good. [THR]
· ER added four more regular cast members to its upcoming final season. More characters=more deaths=more ratings! [THR]

· Warner Bros. is developing the spy thriller novel The Tourist as a potential George Clooney vehicle which will explode in the first reel and set the entire plot in motion. What about the goat movie? When does that one come out? [Variety]
· The WGA will hold a referendum next month to simplify its credit procedures, hopefully eliminating screenwriter name-gumbo like this. [Variety]
· If you're currently in production, we hope you're shooting in Waiverland, as SAG head Alan Rosenberg doubts any agreement will be reached by the deadline date of June 30. [Variety]
· Jack Black has dropped out of Borat-writer/director Todd Phillips's Man-Witch, a movie about a man who's a witch, supposedly because Black is concerned Phillips will shoot another movie called Hangover, about a bachelor party who wakes up in Vegas and realizes they lost the groom, first. May the best wacky premise win! [THR]
· Universal buys a comedy spec called Raindrops All Around Me, about "a socially inept high school teacher who learns to 'dumb it down' in order to fit in with the people around him." Said a Universal rep, "We think after a few more drafts to broaden the humor, Middle America will really eat this up!" [THR]

· The 24th day of negotiations brings us no closer to SAG-deal closure, as the actors' union refuses to endorse the AFTRA deal signed last week. (And that despite all the sexy progress AFTRA made in negotiating "online clip consent and jurisdiction over low-budget made-for-Internet productions!") Meanwhile, time is running out for SAG to petition its 120,000 members for strike approval in time for the June 30 deadline. [Variety]
· Ben Silverman shoots, he scores! The Stanley Cup finals score NBC a second-place finish, inspiring the gimmick-happy network head to his greatest idea yet: The Biggest Loser on Ice! [Variety]
· Former House of Blues president Joseph C. Kaczorowski will partner with Grosvenor Park, a film financing company which offers pre-sale, gap, tax financing, and several other services that instantly render us glazed over with boredom. [Variety]
· It's a light-ethnic-stereotyping showdown at the box office this weekend, as Kung Fu Panda and You Don't Mess With the Zohan face off for your mindless-summer-moviegoing dollars. [THR]
· Jimmy Smits will join Season 3 of Showtime's Dexter, playing Miguel Prado, an "ambitious, charismatic assistant DA" who nevertheless suffers from the same stultifying inability as the rest of the cast to tune in to Dexter's highly damning, V.O. narration. [THR]