Thanksgiving Proclamations are, for the most part, pretty routine. Namecheck settlers, Washington, Lincoln, God, and our Troops. Encourage people to give thanks. The end. But there are some key differences between a Bush declaration and an Obama declaration!

The Way We Live Now: Ho-ho-ho-ping for a holiday miracle. Cause Santa is totally unreachable and all our Christmas money's going towards tuition and the luxury gourmet superdeluxe business we invested in is "in the red," like Rudolph. Fuck him.

Goldman Sachs decided against holding a holiday party this year. Condé Nast revealed yesterday that it plans to proceed with its annual fête, albeit at a slightly less expensive restaurant. Now JPMorgan has weighed in. The party is on this year, which is certainly nice to hear. Not as nice: It will take place in the company cafeteria. [Dealbreaker]

Condé Nast has shut down six magazines and laid off hundreds of staffers in recent months. But the company's annual Christmas party will return once again this year. Okay, so it's at Aureole next door (a "corporate cafeteria with a soundtrack of smooth jazz in the George Benson style," per the Times), and not at the Four Seasons as in years past. But it's better settling for stir-fry at Condé's own cafeteria or, even worse, nothing at all, right? [NYO]

If your doorman or hair stylist look a little grumpy today, it may because they just found out that in lieu of the cash they normally receive from you for Christmas, they're going to be getting a jar of homemade jam instead. According to a new poll, 26 percent of Americans say they planned to spend less on tips than they did last year, although some said they planned to make up the difference (or try to, at least!) by distributing homemade gifts and foodstuffs. [Consumer Reports, Reuters]

According to the executive outplacement firm Challenger Gray & Christmas, just 62 percent of companies nationwide are planning a holiday party this year, down from 77 percent last year and 90 percent back in 2007. Before you turn too despondent, you may want to note that it's possible you are having a holiday party but you just don't know it's a holiday party because it's been renamed. "I've had some clients call them end-of-year appreciation or thank-you parties," says the catering director for a Midtown hotel. [Crain's]

Earlier this week, it was reported that just three floats had been registered for the Greenwich Village Halloween parade, which will undoubtedly make the annual event more a picture of lameness rather than one of guts and gore as it was in years past. Now it turns out that the number of people planning to celebrate the holiday this year is down to just 62 percent. Of those revelers, a measly 33 percent are dressing up, and only 42 percent are planning to carve a pumpkin. What's next, no more pumpkin pie?

So did Bernie Madoff attempt to atone for his sins on Yom Kippur yesterday? That's hard to say, although prison officials say they did give him the chance to take the day off from his usual work detail: "Prison officials would not say if Madoff, serving a 150-year sentence, took advantage of the day off on the holiest day of the year in the Jewish faith or whether he participated in an evening prayer session with other Jewish inmates on what is a day of atonement and repentance." [ABC News]

The week started with the best holiday of all (sorry, Halloween) and ended with the worst (sorry, Arbor Day). But there were many things in the middle!

Happy Labor Day. Let's all get drunk and then seize the means of production on Monday. Sound good? Man, we had so many questions this week.

Speaking of munchies, did you know today was National Ice Cream Day? This is apparently Ronald Reagan's fault. Go out and get yourself a tasty confection. Then read this old NYT letter to the editor and laugh. Oh, and this:

Hey, it's the fifth of May everyone! Time to watch Kathie Lee embarrass herself on national television in a celebration of what white people think is Mexican culture.

Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican army's defeat of French forces at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. Leave it to Saks Fifth Avenue to give the day entirely new meaning. The retailer has announced that today "has been designated by the city of New York as Chanel No. 5 Day," and "a portion of Fifth Avenue is being renamed Avenue No. 5 for the week." [PR Newswire]

Haha PUNK'D! Happy Day When Everyone Thinks They're Fucking Hilarious, guys! Let's all have a chuckle at the "hoaxes" and "pranks" and depressing stabs at heavy-handed jocularity that make up April Fools' Day.

We understand you're super busy and all, but it's March 16th, Mayor Bloomberg. Christmas was nearly three months ago! Would it be too much to ask that you retire the mini-Christmas trees, pine cones, and red branches outside your East 79th Street townhouse and replace them with something more seasonal? Spring will arrive in just 96 hours! Below, a few more photos of the mayor's rather dated display along with further evidence that he really did gobble up four of the six apartments in the townhouse next door: His tired decorations are in front of that building, too.

If your husband or boyfriend has to work late tonight, or has plans with a friend, or suddenly needs to attend to a sick relative, we hope you realize that what he's really doing is cheating on you—or so say florists and restaurateurs for whom business is just as brisk on February the 13th as the 14th, since men placate their mistresses by seeing them the night before Valentine's Day. "I guess probably in 10 years Hallmark will make a card for it," as the cynical manager of DUMBO's River Cafe puts it.

Valentine's Day is approaching, and that's bad news for singles in New York. Restaurants are all crowded and mostly expensive prix fixe menus and there are kissing jerks everywhere. So what should singletons do?

Gay rodent Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter.

With tourists flooding into DC for next week's inauguration of Barack Obama, thousands of people are expected to skip out on work. Thousands of black people.