Look at what hippie school Berkeley is doing now: getting DNA samples from incoming freshmen. Uh oh, has Berkeley finally turned into a totalitarian nightmare, just as its SDS chapter long suspected? No, of course there is a hippie justification.

Laughter yoga. Nazi yoga. Donation yoga with Dave Matthews playing in the background. Thank you, yoga. That's enough.

A group that loves to defend animals has issued a press release to express its opposition to "ridiculous" animal research, like the one where they poke the rat vaginas.

The Way We Live Now: As one big family. Extended families living together are back! By necessity, borne of poverty. Still, something we can embrace. Unlike sewage wage freezes and worthless garbage homes and crazy old Senate alien coots.

Cornell students just received an email from the University Police, warning them about an imminent, and dangerous, threat to their safety: Deadheads. Hey, we'd be nervous too.

Dan Sheridan is just a humble folk singer up there in Aspen, Colorado, who listened to his heart and sung a little tune talkin' about how the city folks come on into a place like Aspen with their fancy cars and fancy furs and big money and change things for the worse—maybe those folks just don't quite understand the magic of the mountains, which you can't buy with a big old pile of money, hmm? So of course the evil corporation that controls the venue where Sheridan was playing fucking fired him, because, hey, these are paying fucking customers here, what are you, crazy? Take that hippie shit out to the woods and play around a hippie bonfire or whatever, hippie.

Remember that place called "Starbucks" back in the day? Hahaha, people used to go there and drink coffee and things and instantly stereotype themselves by walking into this "Starbucks," a magical portal to a narrowly defined world of laughable cultural stereotypes? No wonder it totally fell off the map of relevance last year and disappeared into the thoroughly unsexy world of hobo coffee.

George Leonard, former journalist, author, civil rights activist, fitness buff, and an honorary founder of the countercultural/ new-age mecca Esalen Institute, has died at 86. He generally lived as an uncompromised intellectual hippie superstar, so good for him. [NYT, Esalen]

Apparently there are people who live in cities who don't lock their doors? My mom used to leave her car unlocked in a small Florida beach town, but that stopped after her car was stolen. This is different: these are people who live in large metropolitan areas and leave their homes unlocked, and, worse, talk to a reporter about it. The NYT had no trouble tracking down about a million of these people, to discuss their insouciant disregard for locking mechanisms. Although most insisted on remaining mysteriously unidentified by geography and surname! Fear factor. For the first person who can successfully track down "Matt," your prize will be three free televisions:

Observe young Taylor Pugh: a four-year-old rapscallion unwilling to trim his wild mane for the sake of classroom safety. The school board of Mesquite, Texas has voted to ban longhairs like Taylor from pre-K. Taylor Pugh: boy. Hair. Threat. [NYT]

Our greatest fears have been confirmed: stereotypical hippie behaviors have been found to give you anthrax. Maybe this will wake those hippies up??

Supposedly eco-friendly cloth made from bamboo is in fact evil and made with toxic chemicals and you might as well wear panda-hide while driving a Humvee and shooting rockets at pretty little birdies.

How does the young mayor of a new-age left coast city cope with a major political setback? By disappearing for days on end with his all-important "life coach," as failed gubernatorial candidate Gavin Newsom is rumored to have done.

Hippie yupsters have always been like, "I don't use plastic water bottles cause their chemicals cause cancer," or whatever, and we just laugh at them, but it turns out those people are the ones with the best erections.

Everyone seems to think it's funny that UC Santa Cruz has a job opening for an official "Grateful Dead Archivist." But it's just the latest example of hippies riding high during the recession, floating on a cloud of groovy breaks.

The fiendish "government" is trying to ban clove cigarettes. So Big Clove has invented a novel way to fight back: Getting a court to declare that their clove cigarettes are not, in fact, cigarettes. Dude. Come on. Just declare it.

Yesterday was the National Day of Action Against Police Brutality! One lady's "Action" was "to kick." She got some Police Brutality.

For those who didn't get the message at Altamont: Sweat lodge deaths investigated as homicides.

The Way We Live Now: Beneath our proper stations. Respectable PR men and attorneys are now voluntarily doing so-called "other" jobs, like common hippie layabouts. The actual hippie layabouts are complaining because they lost their second jobs, to attorneys.

The Way We Live Now: Mired in interdemographic battle. Urban hippies, just taking up space. Stay-at-home moms, who quit the rat race. Blue collar hardhats, fallen from grace. Let's all have a Battle Royale.