The fiendish "government" is trying to ban clove cigarettes. So Big Clove has invented a novel way to fight back: Getting a court to declare that their clove cigarettes are not, in fact, cigarettes. Dude. Come on. Just declare it.

Here you see a photo of kreteks, the kind of cloves everyone smokes in the USA. See them? They are cigarettes. But Kretek International is now suing the FDA to get them branded "Cigars," because, the WSJ points out, "The wrapper is homogenized leaf, the tobacco air-cured, and the finished product comes in boxes of 12, not 20."

Try this: Take a dozen clove cigarettes and put them in a box. Now look at them again. Have they magically been transformed into cigars? No? Damn it. Well, don't get too upset, hippies. Consider it part of your government-mandated path towards becoming Marlboro addicts. Hey, your lungs will thank you.

Oh. No they won't. But you won't smell like cloves at least.

Well actually you'll smell worse. But you won't be such a hippie.
[Pic via]