· You can say all the mean things you like about Tara Reid, but you can never take away the dignity that comes with trying to cram a pair of mammoth, surgically enhanced breasts into a too-small bikini top.
· Also: Looks like Reid lent Courtney Love her old stomach.
· Hilary Swank fondly recalls the time she got out of a speeding ticket because she was a Good Samaritan, not because the officer in question was a starfucker.
· Starbucks cups revealed to be an excellent place to stash your drugs without detection.
· The KITT up for auction's not street legal, but it's still a total pussy wagon if you can lure an aging Knight Rider fan back to your garage.
· Bravo decides it's still too soon for old Anna Nicole jokes.
· Can't someone do a good horse-fucking movie without getting all socially responsible about it?

· Hollywood SwankWatch: Freedom Writers and The Reaping actress Hilary Swank is developing (and likely producing and starring in—she really can do it all!) a remake of Patrick Leconte's Intimate Strangers for Paramount, about an actress whose career seems to have no discernible direction since winning two Oscars. [Variety]
· Spiderman 3 will debut in China a day before its North America premiere in hopes that some Chinese moviegoers will rush to theaters to see it rather than wait for the pirated, 25-cent copies that will be widely available just hours after the release. [THR]
· Keep your stunguns at the ready, put your forensic accountants on speed dial, and lock up your overlong directors cuts, because the Weinsteins are back, baby! [Variety]
· Paula Abdul signs with APA, who hope to "work with her on developing multigenerational, international lifestyle branding opportunities" and who will refuse to take her calls the second she's no longer hosting American Idol. [THR]
· In reflecting upon the ICM/Endeavor Richard Abate defection debacle, Var's Peter Bar proposes that agents hire their own agents to orchestrate their career moves. But what about agents for an agent's agent, and a team of agent-managers to steer the whole ship? Soon, getting anything done will require penetrating fifteen nested levels of rep-representation. Where does the madness end, Mr. Bart? [Variety]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in immediately: Today might be your last day on Earth, and you don't want to move on to the Next Life with lingering regrets! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw the Canter's cashier inspecting a taut-faced Tim Allen's possibly counterfeit currency:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, and the millionth sighting wins a Cavalier—so send them in often! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you spotted Debbie Downer finding nothing to complain about at Mozza.

Hilary Swank on TRL yesterday, rocking some sort of vest-T-shirt combo the likes of which we haven't seen since those tuxedo T-shirts one of our friends had in fourth grade.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you say Frodo Baggins become reacquainted with that pesky ring he thought he'd melted, and in the Virgin Atlantic first class cabin, of all places.

A reader was so moved by a promotional item a co-worker received for Hilary Swank courageous-white-lady- inspires-inner-city-kids drama Freedom Writers that she found her own writing voice, submitting this report about her disappointment with the shoddily constructed, pungent swag:

Normally, any development in an According to Jim cast member's love-life short of a Belushi-related murder-suicide wouldn't rate a mention, but taken with yesterday's news that Hilary Swank is finally owning up to her relationship with a member of the ten-percent-taking caste, we think we're seeing the beginnings of a troubling trend; should an actress form an emotional attachment to someone she should merely be screwing for the career benefits, she should keep that shameful fact to herself, and not further erode the accepted social order by trumpeting her misguided, taboo-defying love to the press.

Actress Hilary Swank, who memorably landed an Oscar for her stirring portrayal of a woman cruelly murdered after trying to infiltrate the world of men's boxing in Million Dollar Baby Boys Don't Cry, today received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, an honor reserved for those performers with an established body of work and a studio willing to cut a $15,000 check to promote a struggling film in need of a publicity boost. Swank, never one to pass up a chance to remind the world about her meteoric rise from humble, my-trailer-wasn't-even-on-the- 'nice'-end-of-the-trailer-park beginnings to Tinseltown royalty, shared one of her cherished memories with the throng of Hollywood Boulevard tourists passing by the presentation ceremony on their way to pay five dollars to have a Polaroid taken with Skinny Spider-Man and Dirty Tickle Me Elmo:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and contribute to what could possibly turn into a perfect Terms of Endearment star-spotting trifecta:

Chad Lowe has finally broken his silence about his unceremonious dumping by Hilary Swank in favor of greener, more agenty pastures, an indignity she mitigated by announcing to Vanity Fair that an unspecified "substance abuse problem" played a significant role in the break-up. Says an Extra press release:

Never underestimate the psychic toll a messy break-up can take on an individual, even a two-time Oscar-winning actress. According to a National Enquirer report, so distraught was Hilary Swank in the aftermath* of her jettisoning of longtime househusband Chad Lowe that she reverted emotionally to a much less famous stage of her life, one where sleeping with her agent seemed like a reasonable thing to do (he'd make her feel pretty, and maybe score her some better auditions), and not a shocking violation of the unspoken rules governing the sexual conduct of the A-list caste. Relates The Scoop:

· AOL struggles to find new reasons to justify its pointless existence in a broadband world by offering downloadable movies from most of the majors, set at the three price points of $19.99, $14.99 and $9.99, or crap, crappier and crappiest. [Variety]
· More online entertainment news—we know, it's too much sexy, you can't bear it. CBS will stream episodes of some of their series, such as The Unit and The Class, in the hope that eyeballs they've lost to computer porn might shift over to some of their shows once they're, uh, done with their computer porn business. [Variety]
· A national janitors' union presents their Golden Broom Awards for the "worst place for janitors to work." (Wouldn't a golden broom suggest excellence in the custodial arts? We would have gone with the Leaky Bucket Awards, but hey, not our gig.) Winners this year include NBC Studios, Universal Citywalk and Warner Music Group. Defamer commentators go wild with "Tom Cruise new career opportunity" jokes. [Variety]
· Gerard Butler and Hilary Swank will put their ambisexual chemistry to the test in P.S. I Love You, a movie we will not see because it is called P.S. I Love You. [THR]
· THR claims this year's Emmys arrive among "a din of disenchantment." Hey, if it makes you feel better, Emmy, we'll check you out. On TiVo. Well, we'll just fast forward to the Conan O'Brien bits and to see if Ellen Burstyn wins The Leaky Bucket the Emmy for her 14-second performance. [THR]

Having decided that dumping insufficiently successful househusband Chad Lowe was not a nearly enough humiliating experience on its own, professional Oscar collector Hilary Swank has told Vanity Fair that Lowe's vague "substance abuse problem" played a part in their marriage's dissolution:

For no other reason than someone took the time to send us this message from their cellphone, we pass along this breaking report about former Hilary Swank househusband Chad Lowe stepping out for coffee with a non-Swank companion:

· Guerlain signs up Hilary Swank as the muse for a new women's fragrance, which we really, really hope will be called "Swanked" and come packaged in a bottle shaped like Chad Lowe. We are prepared for disappointment, however.
You might be able to kill the show, but you'll never be able to kill the creepy, yet awesome, fan art.
You make the call: Global pandemic or popular mid-80s diet suppressant?
Sure, the Krazy-Glu tubes in John Mayer's contract rider are probably there for first aid, but isn't it more fun to imagine that he demands that three groupies are bonded together and then delivered to his dressing room after each show?

• Judging from her Golden Globes appearance, actress Hilary Swank is not taking her impending divorce from Chad Lowe all that well. [Go Fug Yourself]
• Before you sacrifice your soul and take that i-banking job, know your banks and the types of assholes they employ. [Brooklyn to Harlem • Jared Leto takes his craft so damn seriously, he'll eat 2847145 Twinkies if need be. [Popsugar]
• Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's sonogram made its way to eBay; the site has since removed the auction seeing as, well, even we think that shit is mildly sick. [CourtTV]
• Bucky Turco of Animal has managed to find himself in our local tabloids oh, like, 600 times now. But if they can't spell your name right, it just doesn't count. [NYDN]
• Admit it: You're totally staying in tonight to watch Skating With Celebrities. It's like Dancing With the Stars meets The Cutting Edge, and you dare to pretend that this doesn't matter? Uh, TOEPICK, bitches! [Slate]

Tucked inside a bumper you probably fast-forwarded through between Walk the Line's win for best musical or comedy picture and Lost's dramatic TV series triumph was this blink-and-you-missed it shot of Russell Crowe chowing on a burger (shades of Hilary Swank's iconic, celebratory post-Oscar Astroburger immediately came to mind—is there no "I'm just a regular person" awards show moment not tied to Ms. Swank?), a snack apparently delivered to Crowe's table in a telltale, off-the-menu Styrofoam container. We're relieved to see the legendarily roughneck actor enjoying a man-of-the-people nosh; after all—and we're sure Crowe would be the first one to tell you this—the official Globes second course of Chilean sea bass is for the pussies sitting in the TV section.

Yesterday's announcement that yet another high-profile (well, half high profile) Hollywood marriage succumbed to the inevitable relationship-melting pressures of love in the public eye didn't catch Rush & Molloy by surprise, who report that people have been chattering about the couple's demise for some time:

The Insider's Marc Malkin is reporting that two-time Oscar winner Hilary Swank and infamous acceptance speech overlookee/househusband Chad Lowe are splitting. The early party line, however, is that they're going to try and work things out: