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Having decided that dumping insufficiently successful househusband Chad Lowe was not a nearly enough humiliating experience on its own, professional Oscar collector Hilary Swank has told Vanity Fair that Lowe's vague "substance abuse problem" played a part in their marriage's dissolution:

"I don't want to make it seem like that's the sole reason; there were other factors," Swank told the magazine, which arrived on newsstands on Wednesday. "But that just kind of blew it open; it made me look at things a lot deeper.

"It's an enormous obstacle to overcome and he's doing it. He's living a sober life. I know how difficult it is and I'm really proud of his sobriety."

We trust that these painful revelations will be handled with more care that the magazine has used in the past; Swank's inevitable appearance on the cover in lacy underthings a sassy bikini shouldn't detract from her heartwrenching tale of the moment she knew her marriage was over, when she returned home from a long day of shooting to discover the disturbing tableau of her clearly suffering husband futilely attempting to cut lines with her Million Dollar Baby Best Actress statuette while mumbling about her "overrated, showy" performance. No relationship, no matter how tragically fame-unbalanced, could withstand such a blow.