Drunk, Knocked Up, Dumb, and Cancerous (But Tan)

Alcoholics! Sexy sexing! Cancer rodents! Cancer guidos! And fat people who can't remember your name! It's health watch, where we watch your health—with a poor bedside manner!

• New speculation is that the spiritual experience that led Bill W. to renounce liquor and found Alcoholics Anonymous was actually just a hallucination brought on by belladonna that the doctors had given him, for his alcoholism. Well it worked then, didn't it?
• Also, alcohol can worsen allergies. Just another reason to try belladonna, stat.
• For crying out loud, the birth control pill has been around for 50 years, and still half of all pregnancies in the US are unplanned. Keep the dooter out of the cooter, as they say in our nation's most respected pharmaceutical research facilities.
• Sure they have these new cancer drugs that block certain proteins that encourage tumor growth, but how effective are they? Well if we knew that we'd be rich enough to be serviced by a harem of beauties on our golden bed all day rather than slaving away on the internet, wouldn't we? Jesus.
• All this trouble with drugs and science when we know that simple blueberries slow tumor growth in mice? Why don't all you cancer patients just eat blueberries? Because you're not mice.
• Indoor tanning is addictive. It gives you cancer. Tanning is basically cigarettes for vain people.
• How do ya like this, the same gene that makes you fat also gives you Alzheimers. So you forget where your sandwich is. The final indignity.

[Pic: Shutterstock]