A 19-year-old kid from Hawaii, Cameron Cayaban, was fined $100 yesterday after pleading guilty to "harassing, harming or pursuing an endangered species" in March, when he slapped an endangered monk seal named Kermit. What an asshole. From the Honolulu Star-Advertiser:

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez—the 17- and 18-year-old couple that triggers Pavlovian salivation in Disney executives—are on vacation in Maui.

People like to go to Hawaii. It's nicer there than where they live. When they go to Hawaii, they get guidebooks, and go to the places that the guidebooks recommend. Sometimes, some people fall down and get hurt at the places they read about in the guidebooks. How to solve this tourists-getting-hurt-sometimes problem? By making the guidebook people pay.

Bobby Titcomb, a close friend of President Obama, was arrested on Monday evening in a Honolulu prostitution sting that used a fake escort website.

The first tsunami waves generated from this morning's massive earthquake near Japan have now reached the Hawaiian islands. So far, everyone appears to be safe. The word from the Honolulu Star-Advertiser:

The crater floor of the Kilauea volcano collapsed on Saturday, creating a new vent that sent lava shooting into the air and flowing down the side of the mountain. Mother Nature really is the greatest reality star of all.

What does it take to be the happiest man in America? "Friendship," you might say. "Trust." Ha!. The real secret to happiness being a tall, married, business-owning Asian-American Jewish man living in Hawaii. Like Alvin Wong!

Hawaii's new governor Neil Abercrombie — the same man who "found" Barack Obama's birth certificate and openly mocks birthers — signed into law a bill yesterday that legalizes civil unions for same-sex couples. According to CNN, Abercrombie said during the ceremony:

In the northern parts of this country, it's already been a long, wild winter. That makes it the time of year when those of us in freezing cities fantasize about which tropical locations we'd move to. Let's contemplate the options.

Imagine: Your very own, handsomely embossed official Barack Obama birth certificate. It could soon be yours!! A bill introduced in the Hawaii state legislature would allow anyone to get a copy of the president's Hawaii birth records for just $100.

New Hawaii Gov. Neil Abercrombie vowed to settle the question of Barack Obama's birth certificate last month, and his "investigation" has found that yes, a recording of Obama's birth "exists in the archives, written down." The conspiracy theorists remain skeptical!

There's snow in 49 states right now, covering some 69.4 percent of the contiguous United States. Even Hawaii has snow , though it's on a volcano so it's sort of cheating. Can you guess which state is ruining our perfect record?

The selfish Obamas have completely dodged the press during their Hawaiian vacation, not even posing for one naked beach photo. But photographers finally intercepted them at the zoo today! Were they hiding in an animal's lair? You be the judge.

The nerve of Barack Obama! He went snorkeling with family and friends in a secluded Hawaiian cove yesterday, and pool reporters weren't even allowed to take new shirtless photos. How will they get their jollies off for the next year?

Rainstorms have caused 14 Hawaiian sewer pipes to overflow, at least four of which spilled into the waterway where the Obamas are vacationing. Hawaii has issued a "brown water warning." Will Barack Obama "man up" and swim in this poopwater?

Paris Hilton's flight to Hawaii was evacuated today after a passenger found a box cutter in a seat pocket. (Apparently a member of the flight crew just misplaced it.) But doesn't it seem like every time Paris travels, there's trouble?

Because of you people and your endless legislative demands — gays in the military this, tax cuts that — President Obama may have to delay his Hawaiian vacation a few days so he can sign all this stuff. Happy, America?

The Hawaii home that the Obamas rent for holidays has been sold for $6.9 million.

Just after the end of World War Two, the US Army dumped 16,000 mustard gas bombs in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Hawaii. But don't worry, they have a solution: Just leave it where it is!

As the iPhone's reception problems exploded into a major controversy, Steve Jobs was trying to enjoy a vacation on Hawaii's Big Island with his family, according to a spy who says he saw the Apple CEO at Kona Village Resort.