Life is an electrocardiogram in which indignities and downtime are rendered as valleys and peaks, respectively. These are the locations and conditions in which celebs found themselves this week:

Ex-CNN host and terrible interviewer Piers Morgan, rejected by U.S. audiences, has returned to his native Britain, where people treat him with the respect he deserves as a serious journali—haha, no.

The One Direction boys are pulling one another's pants down during shows. *NSYNC looks dignified by comparison.

Move over "Man Getting Hit By Football" — there's a new Sheriff of groin-strike videos in town, and it stars One Direction's Harry Styles.

Functional adult Taylor Swift took a few seconds out of her nationally televised Grammy performance to embarrass the teenager she recently stopped dating.

Kids today. They're either silently pleading down their boners while other kids, clad only in underpants, rub up against them in public bars, or they're busy making sandwiches. Everyone has a different skillset.

One Direction's peppy new video for their single, "Kiss You," features a lot of costume changes, a lot of roughhousing, and a lot of nipple play.

Mrs. de Prisco's 8th grade World Civ class was rocked Monday by the news that the celebrated relationship between entertainment behemoths Taylor Swift, 23, and Harry Styles, 18, had at last run its course, crashing violently onto jagged rocks off the coast of the British Virgin Islands and sending splinters of its hull into the surf.

Why didn't you call me when you got my texts? I texted you like four times because I had something important to tell you. Ohmygod, don't be a bitch to me right now, something can be important even if it's a group text. Whatever, shut up, I have big news:

A couple of adults made excellent decisions they are legally old enough to make yesterday, when Taylor Swift and her boyfriend Harry Styles went to a tattoo parlor and he got a giant cartoon ship imprinted on his body forever with a needle.

Today's Taylor Swift Perfect Dream World Action Shot™ comes to us from an after-party held following One Direction's December 3rd concert at Madison Square Garden. In it, Taylor Swift recreates the iconic "lift" scene from Dirty Dancing, a movie about a girl who deceives her father to get money for her friend's abortion.

The White House is buzzing this week over the news that super countrystar Taylor Swift has recently begun hooking up with Harry Styles, a member of One Direction and her 39th boyfriend this year. We're having a hard time keeping track of every man in the universe, so we've assembled here the definitive Rolodex of Taylor Swift's past loves.

Taylor Swift and Harry Styles are apparently an insufferable item now, and one One Direction fan who isn't taking the news very well is Hailie Scott Mathers, BKA Eminem's teenage daughter.

Conor, text me wen u get this:

Like other mega boy bands that came before them, gang of twinks One Direction have a crazily devoted — and sometimes outright crazy — fanbase primarily made up of teenage girls. What makes 1D fandom fascinating is the underground community of slash fiction writers that has driven a wedge in what should be a monolithic force — a phenomenon detailed by Amanda Hess in Tomorrow magazine.