Oh, holy god. Remember when Michael Jackson's hair caught on fire while filming a Pepsi commercial in 1984? Well Us Weekly got the harrowing footage and claims the injury spurred his terrible painkiller addiction. His head just... catches on fire.
Barack Obama's barber "Zariff" has no last name and is suddenly in all the papers explaining that the president has GENUINE gray hair after just 44 days in office. Why?
Click to viewBoomp3.com Leaving his Manhattan apartment, Tom Cruise claimed that his edgy and stylized haircut was not the result of months of focus group testing, but rather the result of sleeping on the wrong side of the bed last night. Cruise said, “The MGM research department did not meet with my hair squad to create a haircut to maintain popular internet buzz amongst gamers and bloggers. It’s windy and a bit cold this afternoon.” Cruise also mentioned that he might have used a bit too much hair gel before leaving his apartment. Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.
And you thought your stylist was talented? A mere dilettante when compared to the 'do-master (or mistress) behind these fabulous works of hair artistry.
I don't claim to be an expert on hair, or sexiness, but I'd be willing to wager that far fewer people have heard of "Sexy Hair Concepts LLC" than have heard of Victoria's Secret. Nevertheless, Sexy Hair Concepts somehow managed to persuade a Trademark Board that "consumers were likely to confuse the lingerie giant's 'So Sexy' trademark for haircare items with Sexy Hair Concepts' various trademarks using the word 'sexy' for its coiffure line." Consumers will be wandering around in a sheer sexiness daze! Victoria's Secret's response to the ruling: you trademark people must be crazy:
You may remember Chris, the Williamsburg gentleman with the controversial haircut pictured at left, who was just this past February spotted in the wild by our own intrepid Hamilton Nolan. And you may also be a woman aged 21-35, within 10 miles of Brooklyn, and optionally an assertive, sarcastic "braniac" with piercings. If so, perhaps Chris, aka LowRezChris on Match.com, could show you why they say he puts the "party" in the phrase "party in the back?!"
After much delay, the future has arrived. Everybody's buying lasers! And, everybody's hairless! If you guessed that these two things are related, you are probably an astute female consumer of laser hair removal services. But now that the world of science fiction is here, you don't have to sit around cold, impersonal cut-rate salons to have some young whippet blast the hair off your body with concentrated pulses of scalding light; you can do it in the comfort of your own home, with no training or safety at all! We can already anticipate the hilarious domestic violence battles that will end with a laser being drawn. Two consumer-targeted lasers, the Tria ($995) and the Silk'n ($800), are about to be launched [WSJ ($)]. Just one slight drawback: these lasers are sexist and racist!
Regular paparazzi are pissed about the lowering of standards in their fine profession these days. The culprits are the unwashed "citizen paparazzi"—the regular people wandering around their hotel in Acapulco or whatever who suddenly bump into Nicole Richie engaging in sex acts with a dolphin, snap a picture, and sell it to some photo agency, or straight to the tabloids. But not for enough money, which is driving down the price for the pros [WSJ]. Plus, the career paparazzi object to all these rank amateurs staking out celebrities alongside them, without observing the honorable, secret codes of conduct that make the pros so popular around town. The amateurs are disdainfully referred to as "TMZ-type" photogs who are bad because "In the past, photographers would've given (Angelina Jolie) some breathing room." We here at Gawker know how it is. We had to fight off all those citizens with cell phone cameras to snag our own celebrity photo holy grail:
The unknown haircut man of Brooklyn, previously known only by this crude drawing, has been located. He's currently sitting right next to me at Cafe Grumpy in Greenpoint [UPDATE: He's gone!]. His name is Chris, and he has never heard of Gawker. Good for him! After the jump, an actual photo reveals the man behind the mystery.
Everywhere we turn we see another network news anchorwoman sporting the exact same long-layered take on the post-Rachel Green do. Does Fox News have only the one style consultant? If you looked at the cable network's anchors (from l-r) Lis Wiehl, Dagen McDowell and Cheryl Casone, you might think so. Alycia Lane may not have abided by the CBS code of conduct, but she certainly toed the coiffure line. CNN Headline News anchor Linda Stouffer and colleague Carol Costello flaunt the style, along with CBS News' Hannah Storm and MSNBC's Contessa Brewer. Longer hair can make you look younger (what woman in TV news couldn't get behind that concept) and both focus groups and the men in them tend to appreciate lengthy locks (Case-in-point: Felicity's post-shearage ratings nosedive. What? You know you watched it once.) Still, when we flip on the tube, it's getting harder and harder to shake the feeling that we're catching the tail end of a Central Perk coffee klatch.
We conclude our coverage of the VMAs with a look at the coifs and tonsures that make us realize this is truly the best of all possible worlds. Warning: Do not look directly at images.
