Gwyneth Paltrow diagnoses her haters. Tareq Salahi strips down. Black Swan gets a little bit real-life crazy. Amanda Seyfried buys a dead horse. Saturday gossip is—as always—projecting.

While celebrated moonbeam Gwyneth Paltrow spends most of her time slaving over a hot custom-made pizza oven, preparing nice meals for her family, sometimes she needs to eat too (about once a month) and it'd be nice, maybe, if just once her ungrateful brood of wretches returned the favor. But apparently they don't.

This is an important question we are asking ourselves today: can Gwyneth Paltrow be stopped? The human-shaped collection of sunlight and feathers has already conquered the acting world, has become the nation's preeminent country-western-singer, and is now poised to take over the food industry. Her new cookbook, My Father's Daughter, is selling like gluten-free hotcakes and now the New York Post wonders if she could become the next Martha Stewart.

Like Gwyneth Paltrow before him, rapper and mogul Jay-Z thinks that he knows exactly how you should live your life. He quietly launched his new website Life and Times today, and it proposes how you should dress, what music you should listen to, and which crazy cloud pictures you should look at.

Today we heard that the world's most perfect human, Gwyneth Paltrow, might be starting a cooking magazine. Calloo, callay, oh happy day! What sorts of down-home recipes will this humble working mother put together for us? One commenter had an early peek.

American princess turned white English tea rose Gwyneth Paltrow loves to cook food. We know this. She's always nattering on about her love of cooking, and is even releasing a cookbook. So what's the next logical step the divine Ms. P? A food magazine, naturally!

Courtney Love offers to "take a metal straw" to Kurt Cobain's remains. Charlie Sheen enters the t-shirt business. Gilbert Gottfried regrets his tsunami jokes. Joe Jonas swears he's not gay. Wednesday gossip communes with the beyond.

The GOOP mistress herself, Gwyneth Paltrow, returned to reprise her role as substitute teacher Holly Holiday and she taught everyone about how to get dirty. Gwynnie isn't my idea of a sexy, but this was another successful appearance.

Glee's Kevin McHale tweeted this picture of a "PRE-PIMPHANDED GWYNETH PALTROW" from the set of his TV show. The tweet prompted worldwide outrage from pimps who say they actually are actually big fans of Shakespeare in Love. [@druidDUDE via SeriouslyOMGWTF]

Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend got sloshed, then arrested, last night. An actress names her children "Ptolemy" and "Winter." Leonardo DiCaprio trades "tender" kisses with a man. Tuesday gossip spent the night in a drunk tank.

Gwyneth Paltrow just sang at the Oscars. How'd it go? Methinks our own Richard Lawson put it best when he tweeted, "At this point it must be concluded that Gwyneth Paltrow has no grasp of the concept of embarrassment."

Natalie Portman's bones look amazing in Black Swan, right? So maybe being a vegan and going to ballet class will make you look like her, right? Wrong!

Everyone's favorite working mother, nü-British will-o'-the-wisp Gwyneth Paltrow, has released upon the world a new issue of her GOOP newsletter, with a big section about kids clothing. What kind of garments should you buy for your growing child? $82 pajamas of course!

Tonight's Grammy Awards got much more interesting when Cee-Lo Green—decked out in some sort of rainbow-colored Liberace/Muppet/Peacock ensemble—took to the stage to perform "F*ck You." But wait! Then, Gwyneth Paltrow showed up. And sang. In Ebonics.

Fox has scheduled its love-it-or-hate-it hit Glee in the time slot immediately following the Super Bowl. This means millions of drunk straight guys will watch the beginning and think, "What the hell?" We're here to fill you in.

Yes indeedy, the blonde wisp-angel is performing at this year's Oscars. Also today: turns out The Walking Dead actually does need writers, Ben Affleck might be headed to Tehran, and MTV finally says no to Lauren Conrad.

Ashton and Demi ignore a chorus of boos in Brazil. Charlie Sheen's rehab center is actually just his house. Glee apologizes to Lindsay Lohan. Helen Bonham Carter praises her own "huge breasts." Tuesday gossip is enhanced with video.

In a new interview with Harper's Bazaar UK, the expat actress says that people mock her and her lifestyle website/newsletter Goop because "[a]ny time you do anything with any degree of sincerity, people make fun of you."

It's true! Though this holiday weekend isn't technically over, we do have a good idea of how the box office cookie crumbled, and it seems as though Seth Rogen has emerged victorious. Poor Vince Vaughn.

Unsurprisingly, as she is the world's most perfect person, Gwyneth Paltrow really gets how hard it is to be a working parent. Luckily she's decided to document a typical mothering day in her newsletter Goop, for our benefit.