Oh happy day! The whole Fox & Friends gang was back together again this morning. The wind-blown pumpkin patch was discussing the Gates/Race Police White House beer sit-down, and Brian Kilmeade said more weird isolationist stuff.

Beautiful Snork-female Gretchen Carlson is still on vacation, so Replacement Lady is filling in. Badly. While talking about a Bernie Madoff story she managed to reveal that she's just functionally-not-capably reading the TelePrompTer, without comprehending any of it.

Oooo, Fox & Friends has a lil' crush! On Lt./Capt. Mitch Buchannon himself, David Hasselhoff. See the Hoff was on The View recently and said Barack Obama was boring! A doozy! Now Doocy, Bri-Bri, and Random Girl just love him.

It's a sticky summer Friday, so two thirds of the Fox & Friends triumverate has left the city to go loiter outside the Bush compound in Kennebunkport. Meaning Steve Doocy is all alone! And his sub cohosts are... disasters.

Oh Fox & Friends. The whimpering ferrets had Show-and-Tell today, and somebody (Gretchywetchy, was it you?) brought in their crazy uncle Glenn Beck. He wanted to warn the kids of one thing: Communism is coming. And it will destroy us.

Oh, Gretchywetchy. The Fox & Friends hostess earned some points yesterday, but now she's lost them all again. The bewigged legumes were discussing the $18 million Recovery.gov website today and Gretchen just didn't understand it. It's a double entendre, right??

To stave off dementia! Yes, today the befuddled screech owls on Fox & Friends were discussing a study that states that those that stay married fend off Alzheimer's and dementia better than lonely divorcees. Brian Kilmeade took issue with this.

Fox & Friends-apalooza continues. Today the billy goats were chewing their grass and talking about that Bruno movie and the high school controversy. Gretchen was actually cool about it, Doocy was a jerk, and Bri-Bri just thinks he smells bad.

Oh what did the cutest lil' morning newscasters get up to today? Well, we have everyone being awkward with celebrated skincare spokeslady, Vanessa L. Williams. She Botoxes!

So it's been a weird day. Things changing everywhere! But at least some things are constant: the gurgling sea cucumbers at Fox & Friends will never get it. Today's confusion? The case of the cardboard bear. Everyone was perplexed.

Finally, a nice story. Little outre news outlet Fox News—which dares to be balanced and fair amid a sea of bias—is set to have its best ratings year yet. Boy, Obama sure has energized the frothing, angry Right!

The brain trust at Fox & Friends is often swatting at confusing things, trying in vain to figure them out, and today was no exception. The topic was that thing that's going on in Iran with the votes or whatever.

Remember when "Bruno" fell bare-assed into Eminem's lap at the MTV Movie Awards? Well, the fine folks over at Fox & Friends were so offended by that tasteless skit that they went outside to play football with women in lingerie!

Ever since Bruno rubbed his balls in Eminem's face at the MTV Movie Awards, Fox & Friends has felt scared and alone. Steve Doocy wants to pretend it never happened, Gretchen Carlson can't get over the pantlessness, and Brian Kilmeade just refuses to believe that it was a hoax.

Forget simple rational reasoning. The Fox & Friends crew can't even say a damn catchphrase right. When talking about The Simpsons this morning, Gretchen Carlson and friends did a long string of terrible "D'oh"s.

Fox News morning anchoress Gretchen Carlson is so thrilled about the arrival of Spring that she can't stop smiling, even when delivering the news of 13 deaths from severe weather. "Guess what—it's the first day of Spring! Whoo-hoo!" she exclaims over an aerial shot of a flooded house. She almost regains her composure: "But it's not so great for some people in the country." Amazing clip, after the jump.