Jon Caramanica's reading of the Grammys' antiquated value system is a ferocious explanation of last night's mess.

J.Lo joked about CBS's now-infamous wardrobe memo, but Katy Perry openly defied it — and some took notice.

If we learned anything from the Grammys last night it was that Taylor Swift had the best time and Jay-Z didn't really give a shit. But not everyone could identify with one of those two extremes. In fact, one might say emotional investment at the Grammys existed on more of a spectrum. So in between your Taylors Swifts and your Jay-Zs you had your gum-chewing Adeles and your eye-rolling Lena Dunhams. But in the words of LL Cool J, "hashtag the Grammys hashtag equals hashtag music" and music brings people together. So despite the very different levels of enjoyment, at least everyone kind-of-sort-of danced to Bruno Mars last night.

There are only two true approaches to being in the audience at a major televised awards show, forever in conflict: full, 100-percent commitment to having the time of your life, and full, 100-percent commitment to not giving a shit. On Sunday night at the Grammys, Taylor Swift took the first path, and Jay-Z took the second, and those of us watching at home were far better for it.

What is there to say about a night dedicated to music that is kind of, almost catchy enough to be OK? Not much. Just smile and bob, smile and bob.

The lyrics of Jack White's "Love Interruption" go: "I want love to walk right up and bite me / Grab a hold of me and fight me." During his Grammy Awards performance with Ruby Amanfu, it sounds like one or both of them may have said "fuck" instead of "fight." But maybe they didn't.

The 55th annual Grammy Awards, the music industry's best-catered sham, will air tonight at 8 p.m. on CBS. Let's watch them and talk about them and love them and hate them here.

The Grammy Awards air tonight at 8, which means for about three hours on Twitter, the Grammy Awards will be relevant.

In a Fuse interview with pop cultural cockroach Alexa Chung (she will not go away), Justin Bieber's mom Pattie Mallette revealed her displeasure over his lack of nominations for the upcoming Grammy Awards. Just like everyone in his circle, including his own self-entitled ass, she has an issue with him being denied the possibility of a trophy to recognize his popularity.

Justin Bieber has a giant chip on his perpetually shirtless shoulder. He isn't doing much press for his new Believe Acoustic album, but he did sit down with Billboard's Bill Werde for a Q&A. Werde describes him as "unfailingly polite, though occasionally he flattens himself down into a black leather couch, hands jammed into his pockets, and seems bored," and "every bit a normal 18-year-old kid." Which is to say, he's a little bit of a dickhead.

Tonight's Grammy Awards got much more interesting when Cee-Lo Green—decked out in some sort of rainbow-colored Liberace/Muppet/Peacock ensemble—took to the stage to perform "F*ck You." But wait! Then, Gwyneth Paltrow showed up. And sang. In Ebonics.

Tonight, the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards opened with an Aretha Franklin tribute—featuring Yolanda Adams, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, Martina McBride, and Florence Welch—that seemed more like Divas Live than an awards show performance. Then, Aguilera took a tumble!

Tonight, after what seemed like an eternal musical tribute to Aretha Franklin, the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards really got started when pop diva Lady Gaga hatched from the egg she arrived in to perform her new single, "Born This Way."

Tonight, the nominations for next year's Grammy Awards were announced live during an hourlong concert on CBS. Unsurprisingly, Justin Bieber was nominated for Best New Artist. Somewhat surprisingly, Bieber reacted by giving a weird, seemingly pre-written acceptance speech. Watch inside.

Without admitting anything specific, Chris Brown apologized for "what transpired" with Rihanna, the girlfriend he allegedly attacked right before the Grammys. Savvy timing, jerk.

We know you, like we, have Grammy fever, with hotly contested office pools and of course a yearly themed party, replete with Victrola shaped cookies and a home-karaoke stage for guests to put their spin on all the best song nominees. It is, after all, music's biggest night, celebrating and rewarding the very best the arguably superflous major record labels have to offer, as opposed to, say, someone throwing a dart at the Billboard Hot 100 adult contemporary charts. The nominees, many of whom point to Jesus "Babyface" Christ for inspiration, were announced today: